Phil Perry

It would appear that certain foreign product names do not travel very well. . .shame, as this was a really Nice drop. . . though I have to admit that I've tasted far better Reds from Michelton and the Barossa Valley. . . [ATTACH]49805._xfImport[/ATTACH]

Baked Beans advert. . .

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Internet post from a Scottish friend. . . ( Any Expat Scots on here ? ) Although I am a Scot and will be celebrating Burns Night, I won't be celebrating all things Scottish I'm afraid. Things on my list not to celebrate: The Scottish National Party Deep fried pizza Deep fried Mars Bars 'Genuine' Scottish shortbread biscuits Munchie boxes "You'll have had your tea" The Nanny State messages on Scottish motorway gantry signs "Plaque Kills! Brush Your Teeth" Road signs in Gaelic Catholic - Protestant bigotry The obsession with football Small minded parochialism Square sausage Midges Horizontal rain Hating the English Salt and sauce on chips Stuck up Edinburgh people In yer face Glasgow people The Scottish National Party Nil nil draws between Stenhousemuir and Brechin City I'm sure I'll think of some more later.

By the way, to all those who received a book from me for Christmas. They're due back at the library tomorrow.

A NEAT INSULATION IDEA FOR YOUR OUTSIDE FLOODLIGHT. ( British D.I.Y'ers are the best ! ) [ATTACH]49785._xfImport[/ATTACH]

The Missus has given me a list of all the DIY jobs she wants completed over the weekend. . . Just need to find that Posidriv screwdriver, with the blue handle . . . [ATTACH]49783._xfImport[/ATTACH]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the Male side. These are our rules:- Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. 1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. if we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing’, we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it's like camping.

OWKAY. . . I asked the sender to explain the 'Humour' and he said. . ."His Missus used to jump into the Landy and drive to the next station to pick him up from Flight training in a (Piper Warrior) He tried to use aviation parlance in his text messages as it was all part of the magic of being a trainee Aviator (?) amd Wifey played along. (He had completed 18 hours of training without crashing and dying and was lovin' it. . .) I pasted the text of what I had posted here and he told me that I was a C### and had got it all wrong. It was his younger Brother who was having the lessons but he didn't say where, and although I know where Bish Stort is, I award you A+ for research in noticing that it is close to Stansted Airport. RYANAIR call it london ( Stansted ). . .although it would cost you a bloody fortune in a taxi to get to the central smoke. . But Michael O'Leary of Ryanair is a well known A$$hole. . . .He flies to some joint 67 Kilometres from Paris by road. . ., but still calls it 'PARIS' . . . I asked him what the original text actually said then,. . but he line went dead, so we'll never know if He's suspended on base for some runway or other . . .Stansted is Immigrant Import Central BTW,. . Duno why, but there it is. . . Nobody ever asks the meaning of the jokes that I invent myself. . .. . . ( sobs )

Not guilty yer worship. . .that 'short position report' was sent to me by my friend David the pilot . . He obviously thought it amusing . .

The following is a short text exchange between an Airline Captain and his Wife,. . .as he was travelling home by train, from a gruelling four day job. Pilot . . . 11.53. . . ETA Base @ - 12 49. Wife . . . ."Roger - report Bishops Stortford". . Pilot:. . . ."Wilco"

I nicked that one from Cousin Greg in Michigan. . . .. Who said Yanks don't have a SOH ? ( I claim influence from the 'Perry' Maternal Gene. . . .) Having run for councilman ( Dem ) but beaten by a Laydee ( Rep). . . he also sent the original Header for the 'I LIKE DONALD TRUMP' thread. ( I don't think he likes the Donald very much,. . .can't imagine why. . .)

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now ... I have a £500,000 home, a £35,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

[ATTACH]49780._xfImport[/ATTACH] News just in. . .Apparently Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades Lipstick, as she claims that it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a recent statement, she said, "The Super Colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis"

[ATTACH]49776._xfImport[/ATTACH] BBC's 'Blexit Lobbin' . . . Relentless.

Terrifying Indeed ,. . .but Looking at the Current Democrat contenders,. . .are you really surprised ? ? ?

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I LIKE HIM BECAUSE HE IS A VERY FUNNY PERSON. . I Post this as evidence. . . . [ATTACH]49773._xfImport[/ATTACH]

Most people of my vintage mate,. . Don't own a 'Smartypants Phone,. . .very few use a computer and a lot of Them have no idea of how to do anything with it,. . unless they did Metalwork at school. . .(!) I do not need this facility, as I Already speak some German. Spanish, French, Clogger, Russian and Turkish. . .along with some insults in Farsi, Arabic, Hindi, Gujurati and Japanese. . . .Though I guess that a Translator 'APP' might save some trouble if I was in Brazil, and tried to order a breakfast and got Oysters Copacobana with Braised Squid and Lemon Ice Cream. .

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A friend, on trying to read the menu in a cafe,. . . once asked a French waitress, “qu’est-ce qui c’est Le Special du Jour?” To which she replied, ( in perfect English, ). . . . “it means. . ' today’s special Sir. . .'. Ya gotta LOVE English folk when they travel outside of Engerland. . . The very LAST item in their baggage,. . is a Phrase book, ALWAYS expecting those in Non English speaking Countries to understand them if they speak English S L O W L Y . . ..

Did you watch that TV documentary about Crew obesity in the Navy? It's got the biggest ratings.

So I said "Alexa, what do women want." That was 3 days ago. It's still talking. . . .

was always a dreamer when I was a kid. I told my mum I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, She told me not to be stupid. . . you should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.

Do Lumberjacks have to keep a logbook ?