Here's a clever post from FB supposedly written by a US soldier, going by the photo that was attached to it.
I’m the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you tried to mug the other night. You pulled a knife on me and my girlfriend, demanding I hand over my jacket, and also asked for her purse and earrings. I hope you come across this message because there are a few things I want to clear up.
First off, I’m really sorry for the embarrassment you must’ve felt. I didn’t expect you to literally crap your pants when I pulled out my pistol after you took my jacket. I mean, it wasn’t that cold, and I had the jacket on for a reason. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that same night. It’s a pretty intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it?
I can only imagine how unpleasant it was walking away from me especially barefoot after I made you leave your shoes, wallet, and cell phone behind. I figured without those, you wouldn’t be able to call for backup or run to get help to mug us again.
After that, I called your mom yeah, she’s listed as “Momma” in your phone and explained the situation. Then I went to fill up my gas tank, using your credit card. I wasn’t the only one filling up, though I also took care of four other people’s tanks at the gas station, including the guy with the motor home who was super grateful after I filled up 153 gallons for him.
I ended up giving your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash from your wallet. That definitely made his day.
Oh, and I tossed your wallet into the big “pimp mobile” parked at the curb, after smashing the windshield, side window, and keying the whole driver’s side of the car. Had to make it memorable, you know?
Earlier, I made a few phone calls two to the DA’s office and one to the FBI. I mentioned President Obama as a possible target, and the FBI agent I spoke to seemed pretty serious. We had a nice, long chat (guess he was tracing your number, etc.).
Look, I should apologize for not just killing you, but honestly, I think what I did is a far more fitting punishment for your crime. You can reflect on your choices while dealing with all the issues I’ve just handed you. And remember, next time you try something like this, you might not be so lucky.
Best of luck sorting things out.