The Wide Brown Land . . .

[Phil Perry]

 

 

AUSTRALIA - AND AUSTRALIANS

 

 

 

The following is by The late Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.

 

 

 

"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount ofthe bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit becauseof many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this issimply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "GreatAustralian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.

 

 

 

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of theplace. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.

 

 

 

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can bedivided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is truethat of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.

 

 

 

But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should becareful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toiletseats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

 

 

 

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

 

 

 

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrivedin boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot ofthem died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance ofnature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

 

 

 

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few derangedpeople incharge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failingto take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

 

 

 

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. Itis interesting to note here that the Europeans always considerthemselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, sincethey can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilised culturethey say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

 

 

 

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extendedholiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep,caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet,where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselvesto the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and thenecessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in

 

The world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

 

 

 

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simplythe nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturinginto the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish,stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to bea rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will killjust from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunsetis worth the risk.

 

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you wouldexpect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger.

 

Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smiledisarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.

 

 

 

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grassis greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.

 

They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). THE IRRITATING THING ABOUT THIS IS THEY MAY BE RIGHT.

 

 

 

TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA

 

 

 

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.

 

 

 

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong youthink it is.

 

 

 

Always carry a stick.

 

 

 

Air-conditioning is imperative.

 

 

 

Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trainedlinguist and extremely good in a fist fight.

 

 

 

Wear thick socks.

 

 

 

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there arepeople nearby

 

 

 

If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with youat all times, or you will die. And don't forget a stick.

 

 

 

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there isalways a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

 

 

 

HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS

 

 

 

They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discountvouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse.

 

 

 

They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

 

 

 

They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with largefiberglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

 

 

 

They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place,that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".

 

 

 

Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.

 

 

 

They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot tohandle.

 

 

 

They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

 

 

 

And they all carry a stick!

 

 

 

[bexrbetter]

They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

 

"Mel-bun" actually.

 

However, there are few snakes,

 

Geez, not sure where he went, that's why we carry sticks!

 

 

[Jabiru Phil]

Now, that IS amusing!

 

I can't seem to wipe the smile from my face.

 

Apparently he never ventured too far north, as no mention of the large lizards called crocabloodydiles.

 

PHIL.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

I found that article printed onto a bit of folded paper used as a bookmark in a tattered copy of the Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy, which I bought from a charity shop. ( where I do ALL my shopping, as it's right next door to the local food bank. . . )

 

I ran it through the Philter first, to make sure it possibly wouldn't offend anybody ! ! Funny how Dougie never mentioned Crocs or the Dugong,. . . .I reckon if it didn't already exist, that animal would have been invented for one of his books ! On a similar track,. . .I had a short discussion with a very intelligent nine year old lad this morning, grandson of an old fart friend of mine. . . he'd HONESTLY never heard of a Platypus. . . . . .dunno what else they're not teaching the kids in the leftie lovey politically correct school curriculum lately, . . .bit frightening really.

 

Phil

 

 

[pmccarthy]

It's a fashion thing. The Platypus gave way to the Full Brazilian.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

"Mel-bun" actually.

 

 

 

Geez, not sure where he went, that's why we carry sticks!

No Mate,. . . .MELB'N if he was an Aussie,. . . .and MELBIN if he was a KIWI,. . . . . y'know,. . . .a Pecket of cigirittes,. . . . .? Had a bar manager (KIWI) on the convict ship when me and the cheese an kisses we were emigrating into the colonies,. . . . . not unlike the Sud Effriken accent rreally,. . . . Go git the kour buoy,. . . . . en wotch aought for dem bleddy kefferz. . . . .ef dey give you any shid, just shewdem. . . . it's nut a prroblum . . . . du copz wont give yu no problemz . . . .dey jus kafferz . . .ear,. . .yew cin borrew dis gun. . . . .and some spire bulletz tew. . . . .

 

Probably a bit different now,. . .since the bleddy kafferz . . . now run the country ! ! ! an the kefferz are the copz az well. . . . . ! ! !

 

My mate Corky, was part of the problem, . . . .he had a mansion in Pretoria, with a 5,500 metre runway on it,. . .for his Piper taildragger, amognst other thingies,. . .. . .and another mansion just outside of Capetown,. . .with ANOTHER runway on it,. . . . . . although he's British, he's been a tax exile there for twenty years, ( owns seven care homes and fifty antique motorcycles, and eight vintage aircraft. . . .0 he was part of the problem,. . . . .still employs 35 blackfellas on his two ranches, but NOW . . .he has to pay them decent wages. . . . .

 

 

[facthunter]

Dunno why NO snakes? There's plenty where I live. and some poor bloke travelling to Darwin recently got bitten and died in his ute. There's monitor lizards and a zillion crocodiles and scorpions and more camels than the middle east. Wild goats and wild pigs that are mean and part their hair down the middle of their backs. If you get into a pool in the NT there may be crocs but there may be germans too. The crocs only get some of them. Nev

 

 

[bexrbetter]

and MELBIN if he was a KIWI . . . .

Phhttt, a Kiwi uttering a multi-syllable word, try something believable next time.

 

If you get into a pool in the NT there may be crocs but there may be Germans too.

I'd prefer the crocs.

 

 

[farri]

Dunno why NO snakes? There's plenty where I live. and some poor bloke travelling to Darwin recently got bitten and died in his ute. Nev

That`s terrible! Poor guy. Snake bite is not a joke! Check this out. http://www.whatsnakeisthat.com.au/

 

Frank. Edit: Not saying you were joking,Nev.

 

 

[Birdseye]

A more appropriate version of a song from a failed politician talking about Oz sport aviation:

 

Traveling in a clapped-out Drifter

 

On a hippie trail head full of paras

 

I had a ramp check, it made me nervous

 

They conned me out and left me breathless

 

And he said, "Do you come from a land down under?

 

Where Morgans grow and small kids chunder?

 

Can't you hear them, can't you smell the chunder?

 

You batter them, but still they chunder"

 

Buying grass from a man in Gympie

 

He was six foot four and full of muscle

 

I said, "Do you speak my language?"

 

He just smiled and gave me a Jabiru engine

 

And he said, "Do you come from a land down under?

 

Where Morgans grow and small kids chunder?

 

Can't you hear, can't you smell the chunder?

 

You batter them, but still they chunder"

 

On cross country the thermals bump me

 

And the bloody federals make me nervous

 

When my Jabs donk quits

 

I feel the quoit quit, then reach for a Vegemite sandwich

 

And he said, "Oh, you come from a land down under?"

 

(Oh yeah, yeah)

 

Where Morgans grow and small kids chunder?

 

Can't you hear, can't you smell the chunder?"

 

(Oh)

 

"You batter them, but still they chunder"

 

 

[facthunter]

Keep your day job. Nev

 

 

[Birdseye]

c'off Nev.

 

 

[bexrbetter]

You batter them,

Subliminal messages really work, 'Birdseye' keeps saying "batter" and now I want some fish fingers .....

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Funny thing that, . . . . . . . until the advent of frozen foods,. . .I never knew fish even HAD fingers. . . . . .

 

 

[Phil Perry]

A more appropriate version of a song from a failed politician talking about Oz sport aviation:

I feel the quoit quit, then reach for a Vegemite sandwich

Funny that,. . . I normally have the quoit quit when I find out it's not MARMITE. . . .

Never mind the clapped out jabdrifter,. . . wanna write some lyrics for a clapped out pub blues band Birdy ? ? ? ?

 

You've obviously got an inherent talent for this stuff,. . .but I don't know whether the local beerheads will understand the deep nuances about an Austrlian Bird. . . . . .

 

 

[nomadpete]

Anyway, I am proud to be one of those strange people described in Phil's Quote out of the Hitchiker's Guide. Now I'll have to go back and re-read the whole series just to check up. Shirley, Doug Adams didn't really say all that?

 

 

[nomadpete]

I have heard that there have been quite a number of 'Jabdrifters' . So called because they are sometimes known to quietly drift down from the sky. This might be called an unexpected design feature.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Anyway, I am proud to be one of those strange people described in Phil's Quote out of the Hitchiker's Guide. Now I'll have to go back and re-read the whole series just to check up. Shirley, Doug Adams didn't really say all that?

No Pete,. . . .that essay was not in the HHGTTG,. . . . Douglas wrote that following a short stay in Austrlaia apparently,. . . obviously somewhere that the snake population was a bit sparse. . . .!

 

Phil

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Dunno why NO snakes? There's plenty where I live. and some poor bloke travelling to Darwin recently got bitten and died in his ute. There's monitor lizards and a zillion crocodiles and scorpions and more camels than the middle east. Wild goats and wild pigs that are mean and part their hair down the middle of their backs. If you get into a pool in the NT there may be crocs but there may be germans too. The crocs only get some of them. Nev

Sorry Nev,. . . .I must have missed the "Jermanz" bit in your post,. . . .got to be a story in there somewhere, but I'm sure you will recount in the fullness of time. . . . . . . . . Never met a single Jerman,. . .when I desecrated the continent with my presence during mein kamph beetween 1971 and 1982,. . . . . . . mind you,. . .the Fraulein never liked kamphing much. . . . . too may spiders and stuff hein ? ? ? . . . . .

 

Ich habe in dem ich jetzt für eine lange Zeit gelebt, seit fast 30 Jahren,. . . wir sind rund 100 Kilometer nördlich von London und ich hasse Krokodile. . . .or words to that effect. . . .?

 

Phil

 

 

[facthunter]

There are lots of young and old Germans in the North, and I would think it has long been like that. In 69 I used to fly a F27 to Baucau, Timor l'este, and the backpackers trecked to there, but couldn't get to Australia by hitching a ride, (too much water) so tried to come with us, for a packet of fags or whatever.. Nev

 

 

[Phil Perry]

There are lots of young and old Germans in the North, and I would think it has long been like that. In 69 I used to fly a F27 to Baucau, Timor l'este, and the backpackers trecked to there, but couldn't get to Australia by hitching a ride, (too much water) so tried to come with us, for a packet of fags or whatever.. Nev

Well,. . . I must admit to the. . ."carrying unauthorised passengers on a cargo run if the price was right" syndrome in a past life Nev,. . .Although I admit that most of the time,. . .these were genuine people who needed to get somewhere but just didn't have the wherewithall to do it. . . . . But I didn't know about the Germans in the North. . . never came acraoss that,. . . .did a few cargo jobs to Gove, and Marble Bar,. . .but I never knew anyone who really wanted to go there ! ! ! Most of my cargo stuff was out of Batavia ( Djakarta ) serving the islands, and some stuff working from Manilla . . . all P2 stuff, but very useful and very interesting work. . . you fly whatever the boss says,. . .but sometimes the cargo loads were,. . .er,. . .interesting,. . .and probably extremely illegal. . . . . the "Don't Ask" situation often occurred in the bad old days, as I'm sure you will be aware, . . . in fact,. . .I'm sure if a lot of us old buggers put our heads together,. . .we could write quite an interesting tome about flying unusual things. . . . "South of the Equator" . . . .might even be a best seller,. . . .I think we'll need Arnold Swartzenegger to play you,. . .and ME,. . .? ? ? well, . . .I think,. . .er,. . .maybe, . .er,. . . Rowan Atkinson for my Part ? ? ? or maybe, Tony Robinson ( Baldrick) would be more appropriate. . . . .

 

Phil

 

 

[facthunter]

Your imagination is priceless. Gove I know. (Regular service DC9 into there, all seasons) Imagine that. The thing hardly carries any fuel.

 

The Timor sea and land surrounds is fairly unpredictable weather wise. I'm still around because I'm not like Arnie when it comes to weather, I'm a chickenman. Go around it not through it. Nev

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Your imagination is priceless. Gove I know. (Regular service DC9 into there, all seasons) Imagine that. The thing hardly carries any fuel.The Timor sea and land surrounds is fairly unpredictable weather wise. I'm still around because I'm not like Arnie when it comes to weather, I'm a chickenman. Go around it not through it. Nev

Awwwkay then,. . .we'll have to get you played by,. . .er,. . . they guy who played the innocent looking helicopter pilot who got $hitcanned in the states for arguing with a truck driver at an accidnet site, whilst hovering,. . . and sent to cambodia to fly with Mel Gibson in that movie,. . .er,. . .what was it,. . .can't remember. . . .

 

Anyway,. . .surely,. . .unpredictable weather is more . . . .INTERESTING . . . .than the boring stuff you get from avmet which is always bang on. . . . . I don't EVER remember getting a WX forecast from Jakarta or Manilla that was even ten percent right. . . . . .

 

All part of growing up and being Australian. . . . . ( apologies to the Monty Python scriptwriters . . . )

 

On the DC9,. . .I was fortunate enough to blag a ride in one of those from Manila to Jakarta,. and was allowed to sit P2 for a while,. . .nice aeroplane, . .but preferred the 727. . . .

 

Come to think of it,. . .I don't remember many Metars which were properly descriptive, nor Any Forecasts which were much outside of being blindingly optimistic either . . . . getting out of the tent / nissen hut / mud and straw shack, sleeping bag in the rear of the Dak, and looking at the sky, checking the general wind direction, cloud speed, temp and dew point yourself, then asking the locals, particularly the fishermen, what the local weather was like at this time of the cycle. . . was a much better proposition in the tropics I found. . . . . and it was nearly ALWAYS wrong as well. . . . .

 

 

[Marty_d]

Awwwkay then,. . .we'll have to get you played by,. . .er,. . . they guy who played the innocent looking helicopter pilot who got $hitcanned in the states for arguing with a truck driver at an accidnet site, whilst hovering,. . . and sent to cambodia to fly with Mel Gibson in that movie,. . .er,. . .what was it,. . .can't remember. . . .

Robert Downey Jr. His latest role though is Tony Stark, otherwise known as Iron Man, who without a doubt would wipe the floor with Arnie. Even if he's the Terminator. (Not really sure how he manages to fly faster than a FA-18 by means of jets in his gloves and boots, but I guess if you're going to watch movies based on comic book characters, be prepared to wrestle your disbelief into suspension.)

 

 

[Marty_d]

Isn't it funny how people think of places in terms of danger. We have a German friend who came over to visit, was terrified of anything crawling (should have heard the shriek when a scorpion dropped into the bathroom sink in front of her) - whereas for your average suburban/semi-rural Aussie the stinging/biting thingies don't register on your daily radar.

 

Throughout the world, with the possible exception of the Arctic, the most dangerous animals you'll ever meet will be human. Being in the wrong part of Sydney or London or LA or Paris at the wrong time is far riskier to your health than a few funnelwebs or tiger snakes.