Suicide Bombers threaten Strike Action. [ Warning - Extremely Dark Humour ]

[Phil Perry]

ABBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike

 

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

 

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54.

 

A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

 

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

 

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

 

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

 

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

 

 

 

[facthunter]

I feel for the Virgins. They are treated as a commodity, like cattle. Come to think of it it's just like back here in some countries. What do the female suicide bombers get for their reward, in paradise? All very confusing. I think men make this stuff up. Men seem to run most of the religions. Having a rib missing doesn't seem to matter. Nev

 

 

[Marty_d]

I think men make this stuff up.

No, really???

 

 

[Bryon]

I totally agree.

 

72 Virgins is what is dictated.

 

We want more virgins

 

Every woman should lay down their virginity for us!

 

Virgins R US Forever

 

Support your local virgins!

 

 

 

[Bryon]

PS.... this is all Phil Perry's fault......

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Ooooohh. . .Ya Traitor Ya !

 

 

[facthunter]

Some of those virgins are not authentic. They are restored models. Some of the genuine ones might be really Fugly. Nev

 

 

[facthunter]

Wish we were covered by better consumer protection in the marriage area. How often does the product turn out to be unsuited for the purpose intended? Misinformation abounds about the situation . "And THEY lived happily ever after." .. They, by a great amount of effort, and some luck, managed to be happy though married, for many long years. should be the line..Nev

 

 

[facthunter]

I've heard on good authority they ALL look good through the bottom of a beer glass, but that's not allowed either. Nev

 

 

[Marty_d]

I think that a burqua-clad figure would look exactly the same regardless of the number of beers!

 

 

[nomadpete]

Not sure about whether beer is forbidden in the mossie afterlife........ maybe they promise a more enjoyable time on that front once you're dead??? BTW, does their book allow the dead to pick and choose which virgins, maybe reject the ones that look too much like your least favourite goat??

 

 

[nomadpete]

And another thing...

 

Does the promise mention anything after the promised 72 have been consummated (out of wedlock - so adultery is ok for the purpose of the exercise?),

 

Do they let you revisit if you like, or only get one 'shot' at each (well obviously they are only a virgin the first time).

 

Maybe you're automatically married to all of them afterward. Aaaargh! Nightmares!

 

Alternatively, does one then face eternal bliss without sex? Who looks after the 72 kids - in a perfect afterlife, every mating would make a pregnancy.

 

No, they didn't think it through, did they?

 

 

[facthunter]

Thinking is not permitted. Unbelieving is death. Nev