Quickies part 2

[facthunter]

I've heard it said "you don't have to dress up and you are dealing with a better class of person.". Nev

[red750]

"She found all my letters. Now she knows I'm cheating."

 

"You two really take Scrabble seriously."

[old man emu]

True story. Instead of reading a book before going to sleep, I play a couple of games of Scrabble  on my iPad. Once I managed to form the word "scrabble" from the top right corner down the side and in doing so I used all my letters.

So I scored a triple score from the top right hand red square, double points for the "a" on the  blue square, then another triple score for the centre red. Without doubles, the score for "scrabble" is 14. The double "a" would increase it to 15. So triple 15 is 45, for the top triple. Then triple the 45 for the centre red, which made it 135. Then add 50 for using all my tiles. So I scored 185.

[old man emu]

Ya know why an erection is called a "woody"?

Because it exists in the lumbar region.

[old man emu]

Bigger isn't necessarily better - Just look at the USA.

[Marty_d]

Q.  How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

 

A.  Cook it in an oven until its bill withers.

[red750]

An old guy, a young man, an old woman, and a young women are all riding in a train.
The two women were facing the two guys in the same compartment.
As the train was going crossing the countryside, it enters a tunnel, and everything becomes dark.
While in the tunnel, you hear a K!$$$$$ then a Smack.
When the train leaves the tunnel, the young guy is rubbing his face as if he was smacked.
The old lady thinks:
“He must’ve tried to k!SSSS the young lady and needed up getting smacked.”
The young lady thinks:
“He must’ve tried ki$$$$$$$$ing me and ended up ki$$$$$$!ng the old lady and she smacked him.”
The young guy thinks:
“The old guy must’ve tried to ki$$$$$$$$$$$ the old lady and she tried to hit him but hit me by accident.”
The old guy thinks:
“On the next tunnel I am going to ki$$$$$$$ my hand again and Smack the young guy again.”

[Marty_d]

Is "kiss" a swearword?

[red750]

Guys, forget dating sites.... 
Go onto Facebook marketplace and search for wedding dresses for sale......It will show you the profiles of recently divorced ladies in your area. 
From there you can even filter by size. 😁

[spacesailor]

Those dresses are,

" camouflage " , to help capture that elusive husband.LoL

spacesailor

[red750]

World Naked Gardening Day is an event celebrated on the first Saturday of May of every year, and this year, it takes place on May 4. Gardeners from all over the world get together to attend to their plants and flowers wearing no clothes or shoes. This guy is overdressed.

 

 

[Marty_d]

Out of all the pictures that would be available for World Naked Gardening day, you had to give us an obese bloke in a g-string?

[red750]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word or political. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless"with a big smile on his face.

[red750]

A girl about to turn 18 says to her father, "Dad, can I have a Ferrari for my birthday?" Her dad says, "Can you spell Ferrari?"

 

She says, "F-E-R-A-R-I." Her dad says, "Sorry, that's not correct."

 

She thinks about it, then says, "Well, can I have a Lamborghini?"

 

Again her father says "Can you spell Lamborghini?" She replies, "L-A-M-B-O-R-G-I-N-I."

 

Dad says, "No, that's not right either." This time she asks for a Porche, and agian her father asks her to spell it.

 

"P-R-S-H."  Dad says, "Sorry love, that's not right either."

 

Finally, she says, "What about a BMW?"

[red750]

[red750]

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked,
“Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied,
“Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says,
“I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says,
“Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers,
“Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied,
“My father doesn’t like her.”

[red750]

Texan flies into Sydney, gets in a taxi and asks to go to his hotel in Manly, so they have to go through the city and across the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
As they’re driving towards the city, the texan sees the Sydney tower, and asks the taxi driver “What’s that?’ Taxi driver says “Mate, That’s Sydney Tower!” Texan asks ‘How long did it take to build it?” Driver says “Dunno! I think about a year”! Texan says “Back home in Texas I own a construction company, and my boys could’ve done that job in 6 months, tops!” Driver nods, impressed!
A bit later the Texan sees the Sydney Harbour Bridge. “Hey Fella, What’s that?” Driver says “ Sydney Harbour Bridge, Mate!” ‘How long did they take to build that?” Yeah, Not sure! I think it took about 2 years!”. Texan says “My boys could’ve knocked that up in under a year, Maximum!”
As they’re driving onto the Sydney Harbour Bridge, The Texan looks out his window and sees the Sydney Opera House, he asks the Driver ‘Hey Fella, that white building down there, What’s that?”
Driver says ‘Fucked if I know mate! It wasn’t there this morning!’

[ClintonB]

[red750]

Two elderly Irish drinking buddies are sitting at the pub pondering on the future.
One says to the other,
“You know Mr. O’Shea, we’ve had great sport together for many years. It just came to mind that should it be I who should happen to go first, it would mean a great deal to me if you would say a few kind words at me grave.”
The other friend responds,
“That I’ll do, Mr.O’Donnel, that I’ll do. But should it be I who should happen to go first, for old times sake I’d be forever grateful if you would pour a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over me grave.”
The friend responds,
“That I’ll do. That I’ll do. But would you mind it so much if it should happen to pass through me kidneys first?”

[red750]

Stolen from Facebook……
‘The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!
The query:

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed: Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…

Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck
Tech Support 

[Marty_d]

That's been around since Adam 1.0.

[old man emu]

24 minutes ago, Marty_d said:

That's been around since Adam 1.0.

I think I have it as a FORTRAN-slation.

[facthunter]

Is that as good as an ELONgation.?   Nev

[red750]

Did a double-take at the supermarket today. Walking down an aisle, a ticket caught my eye which I thought said RABBI TEARS. I went back to check, and it said RABBIT EARS. It was the petfood aisle.

[pmccarthy]

Sure it wasn’t in TV accessories?