Quickies part 2

[old man emu]

Is a stud finder a suitable gift for a girl on her 18th birthday?

[Marty_d]

2 hours ago, old man emu said:

Is a stud finder a suitable gift for a girl on her 18th birthday?

Now that's using your noggin.

[old man emu]

Studs are straight. Noggins go the other way.

 

(Double entendre)

[spacesailor]

I believe both, noggins & studs are straight. 

Not bent pieces ( warped ) of wood .

spacesailor

[Marty_d]

2 hours ago, spacesailor said:

I believe both, noggins & studs are straight. 

Not bent pieces ( warped ) of wood .

spacesailor

You've never been in a house built by my Dad then...

[old man emu]

31 minutes ago, Marty_d said:

You've never been in a house built by my Dad then...

So he's the bastard the built my place!

[red750]

I orderd a book online called "How to run a scam." Paid for on my credit card. It's been 3 months now, and Austalia Post still haven't delivered it.

[old man emu]

It's getting a bit warmer during the day around my way and the reptiles are coming out to bask in the sun. To day I saw a really big snake. I reckon it was 3.14 metres long.

 

 

I'm sure it was a pi-thon.

[old man emu]

A waiter asks a bloke how he would like his steak cooked. He replied, '"Like winning an argument with my wife."

 

The waiter replies, "Very rare it is then."

[red750]

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1116871806082798

[red750]

Keith Richards was given a turtle for his birthday.

"How long do they live?" he asked.

"About 300 years."

"That's why I don't like pets. You get attached to them, then they die."

[facthunter]

Turtles PONG when they dry out. Nev

[red750]

Bob, a 65-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, strolls into the Country Club with a stunning 25-year-old blonde by his side. Her beauty and charm leave everyone in the room speechless. She clings to Bob’s arm, hanging on his every word as if he’s the most fascinating man in the world.

His buddies at the club are in shock. They pull him aside and ask, "Bob, how'd you land a girlfriend like that?"

Bob grins and says, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

His friends are floored but can’t resist asking, "How on earth did you convince her to marry you?"

Bob leans in with a sly smile and says, "I lied about my age."

They nod knowingly. "Ah, you told her you were 50?"

Bob chuckles and replies, "Nope, I told her I was 90."

[facthunter]

Poison works OK on Young people too..  Nev

[red750]

A guy rings his boss. "I'm sorry, I have to take some time off."

The boss says "Why, what's the problem?"

The guy says "My wife died suddenly last night."

The boss says "Oh! I'm so sorry to hear that. Take as long as you need. How long do you think that might be?"

The guy says "About eight and a half years with good behaviour."

[ClintonB]

My wife sent me this earlier in the week.

[red750]

[red750]

There's a guy on Facebook whose hobby is going to get him in trouble. He likes to take photos of signs which say "Photography Forbidden" or similar, around Defence establishments and the like.

[red750]

SERVICE  DOG.

 

 

So I was at the store earlier with my service dog. 

 

The lady in front of me at the checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping cart. 

 

With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had., so I told her it was my service dog. 

 

Then she got real snarky and said,  "I knew that. What type of service?"

 

 I said he was a BLD. But by now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. 

 

She said, "A  BLD.  What is a BLD? "

 

I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog. 

 

She said "Butt Licking Dog?"

 

 I said  "Yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders." 

 

The cashier completely lost it!

.

[spacesailor]

Great . Loved it .

spacesailor

[red750]

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife, “Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

[red750]

[red750]

I had a date last night. It was perfect.

 

Next week I'll have a grape.

[red750]

A woman comes home with a very expensive looking ring on her finger. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the ring?" she said, "I shared a lottery ticket with the boss and we won a good prize so I bought the ring with my share."

 

A few weeks later she comes home with a mink coat. "Where did you get that coat?' asked the husband. "The boss and I shared another win in the lottery.", she replied. 

 

Not that long after, she turns up in a Ferrari. "Don't tell me," said the husband, "another win in the lottery." "Yes," she said.

 

She asked her husband to run her a bath. When she went to get into it, she saw that it only had one inch of water in it. "What's going on here?" she asked. Her husband said, "I didn't want to get your lottery ticket wet." 

[pmccarthy]