Quickies part 2

[red750]

The longest railway bench in the world is in Scarborough! 😲
It was built in 1883 and is now Grade II listed.
It is 456 foot long (139 metres) and can seat 230 regular people or 87 Americans.

[facthunter]

Or 45 Bulgarian weightlifter's or30 Japanese Sumo wrestlers.  Nev

[red750]

A dog goes into a butcher's shop, grabs a piece of steak and hurries out the door.

 

The butcher recognises the dog as belonging to the solicitor a few doors down. He goes to the solicitor and says, "If a dog steals meat from my shop, can I claim compensation from the owner?"

 

"Yes you can." says the laywer.

 

"Then you owe me $50 for the steak your dog stole."

 

Without a second thought, the solicitor takes out his wallet and hands over $50.

 

The next day the butcher receives a bill for $500 from the solicitor, for legal advice.

[facthunter]

Wouldn't work. He didn't give any advice or devote any time and advice was not sought.. Nev

[red750]

The human body is 70% water.

 

So, I'm not fat, I'm flooded.

[willedoo]

Did you hear about the lady who received a bill in the mail and set fire to it. Her name was Bernadette.

[red750]

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.
-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.
Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g.
The boss agreed though he was surprized at the weird things the client asked to have.
The client went into his room, he didn't ask for food or anything else.
Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39.
After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor.
The boss didn't sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise.
In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first.
He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.
The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.
The boss was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.
After one year, the client showed up again. He asked to see the boss again. The boss was in a puzzle.
The client asked the same things: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and an orange 79g.
This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before.
Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face.
The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 39? why the white thread? why the black knife??? In fact, the boss didn't arrive to any convincing answer to all these questions.
The boss now was eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up.
To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.
The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before.
In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.
-''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''
-''I promise I will never let anyone know''.
-''Swear''
-''I swear I won't reveal your secret''
So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss.
Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person. Until now he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone.
When he does, I will let you know... thank you for reading.
Do you want to come and bëãt me?
Me too, I'm looking for the guy who sent me this! 

[facthunter]

Bernadette is a Saint in a part of France wille.  Lourdes I think.  As for U red ,You'll keep. Nev

[red750]

 

 

 

[red750]

Only just realised, SYDNEY is an acronym for Shit You Don't Need Every Year.

[red750]

A new retirement home opened up in the community with separate floors for men and for women.
After the first few weeks of being open all the residents were called into the recreation room so staff could explain the rules.
It was emphasized that after hours there would be no men on the women’s floor or women on the men’s floor and anyone caught violating the rule would be fined $25 for the first offense, $50 for the second offense, and $100 for the third offense.
A hand went up in the back of the room followed by the question:
“How much for a season pass?”

[red750]

Why do eggs come in fragile paper cartons, but batteries are locked up in tough plastic?

[spacesailor]

Crumple zone packaging .

spacesailor

[onetrack]

The batteries need to be secure in their packaging to prevent arcing. The eggs need soft material protection. Even then, you often find cracked eggs - generally, right after you've checked and bought the carton, of course!

[facthunter]

A dropped lead acid battery may have some of  the Plates broken at the top and will have  a short life.. If they sit for a time dead flat sulphating will occur that can render them unserviceable . It's also difficult to get some chargers to start charging them. It that happens try connecting another GOOD battery in parallel with it. Check for HOT cells. Many of those batteries are stored without acid until ready for use. A top up charge is advised before installing. Cold (freezing) conditions will part discharge a battery. Batteries kept at full charge Last longer. . Top up with PURE water. Nev

[old man emu]

6 hours ago, red750 said:

Why do eggs come in fragile paper cartons, but batteries are locked up in tough plastic?

C'mon you Serious Cyrils. 

 

It's a joke using irony.

[red750]

An elderly gentleman goes to see a urologist in a consulting suite shared by a number of doctors. He enters the reception room, which is filled with a large number of patients awaiting their consultation. 

 

He approaches the reception desk, The receptionist is a large woman who looks like she was a wrestler. The man gives her his name. In a booming loud voice, she says, "Oh yes, I see your name. You're here to see the doctor about impotence."

 

Every one in the room swung around to look at the man who was very embarrassed. He quickly recovered his composure, and in an equally loud voice, he replies, "No. I'm for for a sex change, and I'd liike the same doctor who did yours."

[red750]

A doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at the breakfast table.Finally. he gets up and says. "And another thing - you're no good in bed.", and then storms out the door.

 

A bit later  he thought he had overdone it a bit, so decided to call her to apologise. The phone rang several times before she finally answered it. He said, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" 

 

She replied, "I was in bed."

 

"In bed - at this time of day? What were you doing?"

 

"Getting a second opinion."

 

[red750]

I sleep better naked.

 

I don't know why the flight attendant couldn't understand that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[facthunter]

Travel Insurance will keep you covered. Nev

[Marty_d]

Probably wasn't an issue on Jeffrey Epstein's plane.

[red750]

I wonder if clothes in China say "Made around the corner".

[facthunter]

The cigarettes are "Double Happiness".  Maybe the underwear is "Double Feathers"? Nev

[nomadpete]

Can't buy Double Happys these days.

[ClintonB]

All the way to Australia to buy a toy Koala made by your neighbour, doesn’t make sense.