spacesailor Posted February 23 Posted February 23 they , are to hold onto ! , When those ' auto doors ' hit you . LoL spacesailor 2
red750 Posted February 23 Author Posted February 23 A woman goes to a tattoo parlour and has "Merry Christmas" tattooed on one upper inside leg, and "Happy New Year" on the other upper inside leg. As she was about to leave, the tattooist asked why those greetings tattooed there? The woman said, "My husband always complains there's nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year." 2
facthunter Posted February 24 Posted February 24 And then the Māori eats the Aussie. HA Haka yeah I know it's in bad taste. Nev 1
red750 Posted February 25 Author Posted February 25 A young couple get married. After the reception, they go to their room for the night. The bride goes to the bathroom, showers, and comes out in a beautiful dressing gown. The groom says, "Darling, we are married now. You can open the gown." She opens the gown and he says, "You look amazing. Let me take a photo." "A photo," says the bride. "Why do you want to take a photo." "So I can carry it next to my heart for all time." "OK" she says. He takes the photo, then goes to the bathroom. After taking a shower, he comes out in a dressing gown. She says, "We're married now, you don't need a gown." So he drops the gown and she looks surprised. "Oh," she says. "let me take a photo." "Why do you want a photo?" he asks. "To get it enlarged." 2
red750 Posted February 28 Author Posted February 28 A guy goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The female nurse goes to give him a painkilling needle. The guy says, "No. no needle. I hate needles." So she goes to dive him gas. "No gas," he says."I get claustrophobic with the mask/" The dentist says, "How about tablets?" He replies, "Tablets are fine." She says, "Here, take trhis viagra." He says, "I didn't know viagra killed pain." She says, "It doesn't, but it will give you something to hold onto while I pull the tooth." 2 1
onetrack Posted March 3 Posted March 3 Paddy and Mick go to Rome on holiday. They go into a bar and Paddy asks the barman, "Two pints of Guinness please!". The barman says, "Sir, what is Guinness? We don't serve Guinness in Eetaly. Why don't you drink what the Pope drinks?". "What does the Pope drink, then?" asks Paddy. "Campari", says the barman. "Campari is a national drink!" "O.K.", says Paddy, "Give me two pints of Campari!". So the barman, with a quizzical look, serves up two pints of Campari. Paddy and Mick down the two pints rapidly, and they stagger back at the alcoholic hit, but ask for refills. The Barman obliges, and the next two pints are downed with rapidity by Paddy and Mick, and they start to reel around. Paddy asks the barman in a slurred voice, "Are you shure this is what the Pope drinks?" "I'm positive that's what he drinks", says the barman. Paddy then turns to Mick, and says, "Well, it all makes sense now! - It's no bloody wonder they're always carrying him about in a chair!!' 1
facthunter Posted March 3 Posted March 3 C'mon Car tolics wouldn't say anytink bad about Il Papa. Nev 1 1
red750 Posted March 4 Author Posted March 4 A woman gives birth to a healthy baby. She and her husband are delighted and thank the doctor, The husband takes the doctor aside, and says, "How soon can we have sex?" The doctor says, "I knock off in 10 minutes. Meet you in the carpark." 1 1
red750 Posted March 10 Author Posted March 10 A preacher went to the dentist for new dentures. The first Sunday after getting them he only preached for 8 minutes before stepping down from the pulpit. The following Sunday he preached for 10 minutes. On the third Sunday, he went on and on, preaching for more that 3 hours, till finally, some members of the congregation assisted him from the pulpit. After a brief rest, they asked him what happened. "The first week, my gums hurt so badly I could only speak for eight minutes. The next week they were a little better and I managed 10 minutes. This week I put my wife's dentures in and couldn't shut up." 1 3
red750 Posted March 11 Author Posted March 11 The little kids runs into the loungeroom. "Grandpa, Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?" "No. Why do you ask?" "Grandma says, when you croak, we can go to Disneyland." 1 1
red750 Posted March 13 Author Posted March 13 Four guys are out in a boat fishing. One says, " This is great, but what I had to promise to get here was a real pain. The missus wants the back verandah painted." The second guy says, "That's nothing, my missus wanted the kitchen remodelled." The third guy says, "You've both got it easy. My missus wants the whole house renovated." After a few minutes of silence, they turn to the fourth guy and said, "What about you? What did you have to do to come out here today?" He said, "I set the alarm for 5:30. When it went off, I turned it off, nudged the missus and said 'Fishing or sex?' She replied, "Don't forget to take the sunblock." 1
old man emu Posted March 15 Posted March 15 A man was sitting in his doctor's waiting room when a nun burst out of the doctor's consulting room; raced, screaming, across the waiting room to the exit, and charged out of the building, still screaming. The doctor looked at the man and called him into the consulting room. Puzzled, the man asked the doctor, "What was that all about?" The doctor replied, "I told her she was pregnant." Incredulous, the man asked, "Is she?" The doctor looked at the man and said with a hint of a smile, "No. And she doesn't have hiccoughs any more." 1
red750 Posted March 16 Author Posted March 16 My wife and I decided we don't want children. It was a difficult decision, but we're telling them tonight. 1 3
nomadpete Posted March 17 Posted March 17 Life is cruel. Way back when my children were just a gleam in daddy's eye, nobody warned me that there is no guarantee that I will actually like my children. Or that they will like me. A sign of being a successful parent, is when you find yourself disagreeing with your growing offspring.... without any upset to either party. 2
rgmwa Posted March 17 Posted March 17 14 minutes ago, nomadpete said: A sign of being a successful parent, is when you find yourself disagreeing with your growing offspring.... without any upset to either party. ... especially when you have to admit you were wrong. 1 2 1
facthunter Posted March 17 Posted March 17 Saved each of the Last 2 from drowning. 2 different occasions. nev 1 2
spacesailor Posted March 17 Posted March 17 I hope all in Australia, learn to swim. As on the news , a person slipped into Brisbane river . They're searching for any sign of the person . I'm trying to talk my neighbour into swim lessons , they take their kids to swim lessons , but don't want to learn themselves. spacesailor
Marty_d Posted March 17 Posted March 17 Just knowing how to swim won't always save you. I've almost drowned in a river and I can swim quite well. 2
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