Quickies part 2

[red750]

I took lessons, unsuccessfully. Don't go within a couple of km of water (other than in the shower or the sink).

[nomadpete]

My swimming performance depends on how far I am from the shore when the boat sinks.

 

Not great at it unless there is a lot of incentive.

[rgmwa]

Lots of professional fishermen can’t swim. 

[Marty_d]

7 minutes ago, rgmwa said:

Lots of professional fishermen can’t swim. 

Which is something I've never understood.

Yes I get that if you're in the North Sea the cold will probably get you in a few minutes anyway, and if you have heavy woolen clothes on you'll tend to sink.

But if you fall off a boat, being able to swim at least 50m may be the difference between life and death.

[rgmwa]

My brother in law is a retired cray fisherman. He used to fish out of King Island and around Tas. His deckie went overboard once. Couldn’t swim and was going down but the brother in law just managed to grab him and haul him back on board. Lucky guy. 

[red750]

A man was up before the court for car stealing.

 

The judge read the charges and asked, "How do you plead?"

 

The man whispered to his lawyer, who said, "Are you sure?"

 

The man nodded.

 

The lawyer said, "Your honour, my client pleads guilty."

 

The judge says, "A very wise decision. It takes a strong person to admit their guilt. You will be treated less harshly. Why did you steal the vehicle?"

 

The man replied, "My car was out of action and I had to get to work."

 

The judge said, "Why didn't you take the bus?

 

The man replied, "Your honour, I don't have a licence to drive a bus."

[facthunter]

Please Call me a taxi. 

 OK .You're a taxi.

[Jerry_Atrick]

For Chump, literally a quicky, but here goes: "The only person Chump ever hired who was actually qualified to to their job was.... Stormy Daniels."

[Jerry_Atrick]

Police have confirmed the man who fatally fell from the roof of a nightclub was not a bouncer.

[facthunter]

Not on that occasion anyhow..  IF he'd been a Czech they sometimes bounce.  Nev

[Marty_d]

I think you're getting a bit rubbery with the truth there Nev. Czech your facts...

[red750]

A guy tried to sell me a coffin.

 

I said, "That's the last thing I need."

[nomadpete]

6 hours ago, red750 said:

A guy tried to sell me a coffin.

 

I said, "That's the last thing I need."

So, where's the joke?

[facthunter]

The LAST one sold had people who were dying to get it.. Nev

[Marty_d]

You should have said "I'm not coffin up that much!"

[facthunter]

It's NOT the Cough that carries you OFF. It's the Coffin they carry you off in. Nev

[spacesailor]

Coffin ! .A wheel bin will take the smaller cadaver  to the " Crematorium " .

Cardboard leaves less ' ash ' than a ' wooden '  box ( casket ) .

do the dead really care .

( been there done that ) .

xpacesailor

[old man emu]

Here's a project for this weekend:

 

[rgmwa]

I'm just off to Bunnings now for some cheap timber.

[Marty_d]

My Dad worked for a coffin manufacturer in Brisbane about 40 years ago.  Managed to nail himself to a piece of timber once.  Should have called him Jesus.

[old man emu]

Why not make your own coffin? We are all going to need one one day and who wants to burden family with making a decision about how your carcass is going to travel on its final journey. I'm about to sign up to spend $5000 for a headstone for my wife's and my grave. When she died, the family had to make some quick decisions about her funeral. We selected a very basic coffin, but that cost $1000 three year ago. For $1000 I reckon I can make one with bells, whistles and flashing neon lights. I'd rather leave a few hundred bucks in my estate to benefit the family that fork it out to a funeral director for something that will only be seen by others for a few hours. My Mum arranged her funeral ceremony years ago and has it all documented so that my sister and I just have to follow the bouncing ball.

 

Here's a video about a group in New Zealand who have the right idea about organising their departures.  I reckon that it's a good idea to try out at a Men's Shed. All the gear is there and all a bloke would have to do is buy the wood. When out ability to have a firm hand on the control of our lives, why not extend that to controlling how we go out? After all, who of us hasn't made their Will and kept it up to date?

 

 

[red750]

I've written about this two or three times before. When my wife passed away 3 years ago, it was in the middle of the Covid pandemic lockdown, and funerals were limted to about 7 attendees. We deided to take up a relatively new option of unattended funerals.

 

My wife passsed away at home. The ambulance came and confirmed that she had died, and told as to call a funeral home.  We called one cremation company, who came and placed her in a vinyl body bag, and wheeled her out to their vehicle. They took her to their mortuary. My daughter contacted them about providing an outfit for her to be cremated in. They advised us that they did not dress the body, so we contacted another company, Fixed Price Cremations, who advised they wash the body, and dress it in the clothes supplied. If clothes are not supplied, they wrap the body in a shroud. The company operates in Melbourne and Sydney. Transport from other locations is at additional cost.

 

We arranged for them to collect the body from the other company, (I won't name them, but they advertise on TV). They also came to collect my wifes clothing my daughter had picked out. The body was taken to a country crematorium, cremated, and the ashes returned in a casket we chose. A memorial at our church with about 40 mourners a couple of months later, when the lockdown had been lifted. The casket of ashes sits in our loungeroom.

 

The covid lockdown dictated these arrangments, but I have decided when it comes my time, I wish to be treated similarly. The cost savings are tremendous. Funeral directors, mourning cars, coffins, burial plots can run into many thousands. I just checked their website and their all inclusive price is $1,950 which includes a standard metal ashes container and documentation including death certificate.You can choose alternate containers ranging from scattering tubes about the size of a Pringles tube, at $77.00 to marble caskets at $671.00. The Rosewood casket we choose for my wife was $242.00. All prices include GST.

 

 

[old man emu]

Burial or cremation depends on a lot of beliefs. It is my belief that cremation obliterates you from history. Therefore I wish to be buried, to have a place that will exist until Earth's oblivion. On the other hand, my sister wants to be cremated. What we want done with our remains is a very personal thing. I can accept that this could lead us into a debate in this thread, but it would be a debate without resolution. 

[rgmwa]

My wife was cremated and that's my choice too. The thought of being buried gives me claustrophobia but as you say, it's a personal choice. 

[facthunter]

I'm going to be Late at my funeral and I don't want one anyhow. Cremation takes up less room and your atoms are dispersed then just leaving the ashes, which may not be yours either. Put them a hole and plant a tree there. At least that way something new grows. Your Genes carry on in your offspring. So that's IT. Nev