Quickies part 2

[facthunter]

Life is like a $#!t sandwich. The more BREAD you have, the less $#!t you have to eat. Nev

 

 

[Phil Perry]

I was playing darts with my pet hedgehog last night. I scored 795 with my first throw.

 

 

[facthunter]

I can't see the point in that. Nev

 

 

[red750]

Every day Francesca would visit the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on her husband's grave. Each day when she finished, she would back away from the grave.

 

A friend said to her "Francesca, why do you always walk backwards away from your husband's grave?"

 

She replied, "When he was alive he used to say 'You have a great ass - it would bring a dead man back to life.' I'm not taking any chances."

 

 

[red750]

Engineers:

 

An optimist sees a glass half full

 

A pessimist sees a glass half empty

 

An engineer sees a glass twice as big as it needs to be..

 

Mechanical engineers create weapons,

 

Civil engineers create targets.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

The girlfriend dumped me over my obsession with Hollywood boxing films. Not for long, though;

 

We were just going through a Rocky patch.

 

 

[spacesailor]

"An optimist sees a glass half full

 

A pessimist sees a glass half empty

 

An engineer sees a glass twice as big as it needs to be."

 

I see, I've been short changed again !.

 

spacesailor

 

.

 

 

[red750]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota. He shot a bird, but it fell into the field on the other side of the fence.

 

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

 

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

 

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

 

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."

 

The lawyer asked, "What’s the Three Kick Rule?"

 

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

 

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

 

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

 

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

Don’t you just love old people

 

 

[red750]

A kiss while you are sleeping is the purest form of love........unless you are in prison.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

The wife "Your snoring was so loud last night"

 

Me "I imagined so the number of times you woke me up to tell me I was snoring"

 

Me "I'll go out and get some earplugs"

 

The wife "I don't think they'll do any good to be honest"

 

Me "Oh I don't know, I won't be able to hear you telling me I'm snoring"

 

 

[red750]

Now I've heard everything. This really takes the cake.

 

On the Morning Show (Ch 7). they had a caption on a news item:

 

"Celebrities jet in on private yachts and cause rage". How many celebrities have jet yachts???

 

 

[Litespeed]

That might be the huge ones that use a jet turbine for power. Can power a small city alone.

 

Naturally the news have no idea and the computer doing the headlines and sometimes stories has no clue about the actual world.

 

So clueless robot or journalist.

 

 

[red750]

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, the politician was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

 

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

 

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

 

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

 

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late for anything

 

 

[Phil Perry]

I have a confession to make.

 

I never learned the whole alphabet.

 

I don't know why.

 

 

[old man emu]

O!

 

 

[Cosmick]

G

 

 

[pmccarthy]

I C

 

 

[planedriver]

I recently saw a black Jeep with the registration "Ba Ba"

 

Then the penny dropped.

 

Nothing like a bit of lateral thinking.

 

 

[old man emu]

Probably driven by some Pure Merino from Vaucluse

 

 

[Geoff13]

I recently saw a black Jeep with the registration "Ba Ba"Then the penny dropped.

 

Nothing like a bit of lateral thinking.

I have seen the same Jeep, I took a picture and posted it on facebook some time back LOL. Shows a sense of humour.

 

 

[Litespeed]

Sorry fellas,

 

The all time classic is a bloke here in Sydney on a motorbike.

 

On the back of his rack is a sticker which is attached to a wooden board sticking up vertically......

 

" Baby on board"

 

Directly above is a baby doll occy strapped to the board.

 

Oh how I laughed, needed new undies.

 

And the looks of evil from all the mums in the toorak tractors. ...priceless.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

My mate with a stutter was telling us about his Nan. . . . .

 

By the end of it we were all singing 'Hey Jude'.

 

 

[planedriver]

Wot complete with all 231 "na's".

 

Trust me there's that many,I sing it at karaoke, It's a bit like a morse key with a case of the shivers.

 

 

[Cosmick]

When you start the Na's Planey I would go to the bar and hopefully you'd nearly be finished by the time I got back.

 

 

[planedriver]

Good idea, the longer you're there, the better I sound.

 

Some must like what I do, because I even get a few requests to sing "Over the Hills and Far Away"