Quickies part 2

[red750]

I always thought 'woke' was the past tense of 'wake', as in 'from sleep'.

[pmccarthy]

That’s a new word, I had to look it up. Ebonics.

Edited August 18, 2022 by pmccarthy

[facthunter]

I m wondering if I could get BY without worrying what it means?   Nev

[old man emu]

7 hours ago, facthunter said:

I m wondering if I could get BY without worrying what it means?   Nev

Probably. But you won't get by without your Mum.

[facthunter]

A "Wake"is a party celebrating someone's death..   Nev

[Old Koreelah]

1 hour ago, facthunter said:

A "Wake"is a party celebrating someone's death..   Nev

Nev I thought that a traditional wake involved family and friends gathering for a few ales, swapping stories about the departed, all within sight of the corpse, in case it wasn’t dead after all.

[pmccarthy]

Woke is when it woke. You don't want to be there. 

[spacesailor]

The '  Wake ' is ' spending ' the deceased money ! .

A Jolly good send off.

spacesailor

[facthunter]

Wake is water disturbed by ships motion.. Tricky language Eh! ( I speak QLD too).  Nev

[Cosmick]

A wake is a party for the deceased. Maybe a woke is a party attended by the deceased.

[rgmwa]

In that case the rush of disturbed air left by the fleeing mourners at the appearance of the deceased would also be a wake.

[facthunter]

Any party for the deceased, they would all be LATE at. .  Nev

[red750]

I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the colour of the baby!

[red750]

Top two jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival:

 

 “I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.” - 52% of vote by 2000 people.

 

“Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it’s next day delivery?”   -  37%

 

Last years winning joke:

 

“My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.”

[red750]

I was watching the news on Sunrise (Ch 7) this morning, and just for something different, I had closed captions turned on.

 

Kochie was interviewing the head of Sydney trains regarding the ongoing industrial action over unsafe trains. He ended up saying, "It's a real schemozzle." The closed captions had it as, "..a real sure muscle."

[red750]

[red750]

You've gotta love the MSN pop-up headlines. I use it to check how far the shares my wife held have fallen. 

 

Weather headline across the top "Sheep graziers alert for Vermont." I don't think there is a lone sheep in Vermont.

[red750]

NEVER  HEARD  CREATION  EXPLAINED THIS  WAY  BEFORE !!!

 

In the  beginning, God  created  the Heavens  and  the  Earth  and  populated the  Earth  with  broccoli, cauliflower  and spinach,  green  and  yellow,  and red  vegetables  of  all  kinds,  so  Man  and Woman  would  live  long  and  healthy lives.

 

Then  using  God's  great  gifts,  Satan  created  Ben  and  Jerry's  Ice  Cream  and  Krispy  Creme  Donuts.   And  Satan said, "You  want  chocolate  with  that ?" And  Man  said, "Yes !"  and  Woman  said, "and as  long  as  you're  at  it,  add  some sprinkles." And  they  gained  10 pounds. And  Satan  smiled.

 

And  God  created  the  healthful  yogurt  that  Woman  might  keep  the  figure  that Man  found  so  fair. 

And  Satan  brought forth  white  flour  from  the wheat,  and  sugar  from  the  cane  and combined  them.  And  Woman  went  from size  6  to  size  14.

 

So  God  said, "Try  my  fresh  green salad."  

 

And   Satan  presented Thousand-Island  Dressing,  buttery croutons  and  garlic  toast  on  the side. And  Man  and  Woman  unfastened their  belts  following  the  feast.

 

God  then  said, "I  have  sent  you  heart healthy  vegetables  and  olive oil  in  which to  cook  them."  

 

And  Satan  brought  forth deep  fried  fish  and  chicken-fried  steak  so  big  it  needed  its  own  platter.   And Man  gained  more  weight  and  his cholesterol  went  through  the  roof.  

 

God then  created  a  light,  fluffy  white  cake, named  it "Angel  Food  Cake," and  said, "It  is  good."  

 

Satan  then  created chocolate  cake  and  named  it "Devil's  Food."

 

God  then  brought  forth  running shoes  so  that  His  children  might  lose  those  extra  pounds. 

 

And  Satan  gave  cable  TV  with  a  remote  control  so  Man  would not  have  to  toil  changing  the  channels.   And  Man  and Woman  laughed  and  cried  before  the  flickering  blue  light  and  gained  pounds.

 

Then  God  brought  forth  the  potato, naturally  low  in  fat  and  brimming  with  nutrition.  

 

And  Satan  peeled  off the  healthful  skin  and  sliced  the starchy  center  into  chips  and  deep-fried  them.  And  Man  gained  pounds.

 

God  then  gave  lean  beef  so  that  Man might  consume  fewer  calories  and  still satisfy  his  appetite.  

 

And  Satan  created McDonald's  and  its  99-cent  double cheeseburger.   Then  said, "You  want  fries with  that ?"   And  Man  replied, "Yes !  And super  size  them !"   And Satan  said, "It  is good."   And  Man  went  into  cardiac  arrest.

 

God  sighed  and  created  quadruple  bypass  surgery.

 

Then  Satan  created  private medical  insurance.

[red750]

I am an old man. I was sick and in hospital.

 

There was one nurse who just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me as if I was a child. She would say in a patronising tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry?”

 

I had had enough of this particular nurse.

 

One day, at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside table. Later, I was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went.

 

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.

“My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”

 

 

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.”

 

The nurse fainted.

[red750]

An elderly gentleman had had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor who was able to have him fitted for a hearing aid that allowed him to hear perfectly.

 

The elderly gentleman went back to the doctor a month later. The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

 

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

[red750]

To relieve your stress...

 In case you are having a rough day, here’s a stress management technique
that has been recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is
that it really does work and will make you smile:

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over
a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the World.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
serenity.

7. The water is so clear you can make out the face of the Greens voter you
are holding underwater.

 

See, it worked.
You feel better already.

[red750]

Three pilots are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks. 
The first pilot says, "Those are deer tracks." 
The second pilot says, "No, those are elk tracks." 
The third pilot says, "You're both wrong! Those are moose tracks." 
The pilots were still arguing when the train hit them. 

[facthunter]

I thought that applied to IT people, where you  have 3 different people with 5 different opinions.  Nev

[red750]

[old man emu]

Rain, rain, go away
Come again some other day

 

A few weeks ago I was doing some renovation work and left some nails outside in the weather. I remembered to go out an pick them up today. They weren't rusty.

 

 

 

They were mouldy!