Quickies part 2

[old man emu]

1 hour ago, facthunter said:

The mark-ups based on full landed cost   are something like 500% or more....

Well, that's OK then. Cause we'll get heaps of that mark-up when the company pays its tax.

[facthunter]

Might be to cover the "replace under warrantee"  aspect and stuff that has bits pinched from it when on display. . Nev

[Jerry_Atrick]

10 hours ago, Jerry_Atrick said:

"In that decade, funding for private schools – including Catholic and independent institutions – increased by $3,338 per student, adjusted for inflation, compared with $703 per student for public schools."

 

5 hours ago, old man emu said:

Careful! Simply comparing the number of dollars is misleading becasue there was more purchasing value in a dollar in 2012 than there is now - inflation.

I thought the "adjusted for inlfation" meant for both numbers, so it was comparing apples with apples..

[old man emu]

Some times I jist don't read s'good.

[red750]

*COINCIDENCES*

A farmer went to a local pub and ordered a glass of champagne.

 

The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'

 

'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

 

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.

 

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'

 

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

 

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'

 

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

 

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

 

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said *'what a coincidence'!*

[facthunter]

 A Farmer went to the local Pub and bought a glass of CHAMPAGNE? Wot in Australia, in the bush?. He'd be regarded as going "to the other side' and heckled out of town. As IF the Pub would have Champagne by the Glass as well is beyond credible.   Nev

[red750]

These jokes usually eminate from America. Never said it was in Australia.

[red750]

Two old blokes, one 80 and one 87 were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well I eat rye bread every day.
“It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies”.
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around the sales lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some”?
He said, “I want five loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”
He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this stuff but me”.

[red750]

What do you get when you ask a politician for ‘the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth’?
Three different answers.

•••

A murderer, politician and religious man walks into a bar.
And that’s just the first guy.

•••

A thief pressed a knife to a man’s ribcage and said, “Give me your money!”
Shocked, the man replied, “You can’t do this to me! I’m a politician!”
The thief replied, “In that case, give me my money!”

•••

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to assure the public that they’re doing everything they can to fix the issue while the other screws the bulb into a tap.

•••

A rabbi, a Hindu priest and a politician went on a hike.
Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.
They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”

The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.

“So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”

The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.”

The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.

“So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.”

The politician said, “Okay, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”

The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.

[red750]

[red750]

Paul goes into a bar to have himself a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked,”
Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?”
Paul said it was his.
“Your dog seems to be in heat,” the officer said.
Paul replied,
“No way… She’s cool ’cause she’s tied up under that shade tree.”
The policeman said,
“No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.”
“No way,” said Paul.
“That dog doesn’t need bread. She isn’t hungry ’cause I fed her this morning’.”
The exasperated policeman said,
“NO! You don’t understand; your dog wants to have s*x!”
Then Paul looked at the cop and said,
“Well, go ahead.
I always wanted a police dog.

[red750]

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it.
He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said, “Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests.”

Two days before Christmas, Johnny’s father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
“I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage.”

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop.
Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree.

Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked,
“What did Santa bring you this year?”

Johnny replied,
“I think I got a dog, but I can’t find the son-of-a-b!tch!”

[facthunter]

Have to be a big Poo-dle.. Nev

[Marty_d]

4 hours ago, red750 said:

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it.
He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said, “Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests.”

Two days before Christmas, Johnny’s father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
“I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage.”

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop.
Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree.

Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked,
“What did Santa bring you this year?”

Johnny replied,
“I think I got a dog, but I can’t find the son-of-a-b!tch!”

 

If "damn" and "bitch" are the best he can do, he should talk to my kids.  They'll teach him the real words.

[facthunter]

Effectively ban swearing and many would be almost speechless.. Saves you from thinking about the next  "REAL"word for a bit longer.. Nev

[spacesailor]

Or 

On the C B  ahhhhhhhhhh, next word ?.

spacesailor

[red750]

On some TV shows, the four letter F word is said more often than you'd hear on a building site. Almost every sentence includes one F.

[onetrack]

As SWMBO says, if I start getting too crude, "Use proper words! Your lack of language skills is showing!" 

[facthunter]

IF you're too profane to be checked out as a Civil Engineer can you still qualify as an UNCivil one?    Nev

[red750]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said,  “they’re for the funeral.”

[onetrack]

As I slipped my finger inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

 

I pulled my finger out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

 

I thought to myself, " I really need to get this boat fixed properly..."

[red750]

Love Rowan Atkinson's euphemistic character name.

 

The Very Best Of British Film And Television  · 
Sean Connery (James Bond) and Rowan Atkinson (Nigel Small-Fawcett of the British Embassy) in Never Say Never Again

[Marty_d]

7 hours ago, red750 said:

Love Rowan Atkinson's euphemistic character name.

 

The Very Best Of British Film And Television  · 
Sean Connery (James Bond) and Rowan Atkinson (Nigel Small-Fawcett of the British Embassy) in Never Say Never Again

Well it'd be a real mismatch if he were paired up with Pussy Galore (or in the Austin Powers movies, "Alotta Fagina")...

[Old Koreelah]

Just had a yarn with my big brother, who recently travelled to his old mate’s funeral. He reckoned the bloke lived by the motto:

”I’m gonna spend 80% of my money on wine, women and song…

and waste the rest!”

[Marty_d]

Did you know -

 

In Jamaica, a pie costs $2.00.

In Antigua, a pie costs $3.20.

In The Bahamas, a pie costs $4.50.

 

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.