Quickies part 2

[nomadpete]

It's all in the mind, you know......

 

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall. But in the end we concluded the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
--------------------------------

She stood before me, trembling.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to Bunning's.
--------------------------------

She knelt before me at my feet, and tugged gently at first, then harder and harder, until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

[red750]

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it.
He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said, “Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests.”
Two days before Christmas, Johnny’s father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
“I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage.”
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop.
Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree.
Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked,
“What did Santa bring you this year?”
Johnny replied,
“I think I got a dog, but I can’t find the son-of-a-b!tch!”
 

[red750]

A father asked his 10 year old son little Johnny if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” the little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
“Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong
“Oh dad,” the boy sobbed,
“when I was 6 I got the “there’s no Santa” speech.
At 7, I got the “there’s no Easter Bunny” speech.
When I was 8, you hit me with the
“there’s no tooth fairy” speech.
If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really f.ck, I’ll have nothing left to live for.
 

[old man emu]

A reporter for an Australian motor sport magazine was visiting the Southern states of the USA getting some information and background material for an article on grassroots NASCAR racing. He was walking around the pit area of a track when he introduced himself to one of the drivers.

 

The reporter asked the driver's name and he replied "Bubba-Zee."

The reporter said," Now I've heard of blokes called Billy-Bob and Bubba-Jay, and even plain old Bubba, but I've never heard of a Bubba-Zee. How did you get that name?"

"Well," drawled the driver, " I's the twelfth baby my Momma had, and we she had me, she told Poppa, 'That's the end.' Well Popa, he went all the way through the Sixth Grade and he were well educated. So he called me Bubba-Zee, 'cause that's the end of the alphabet."

[red750]

Coming home from the Men's Shed today we passed a truck which empties Port-a-loos. The sign on the tank read "STOOL BUS".

[facthunter]

Saw one in Wauchope years ago with "Milk Tastes Better"  Nev

[nomadpete]

It might be shyt to you but it's my bread and butter..

 

On back of plumber's truck

 

[onetrack]

This joke is actually true - My mother was conversing with the "nightcart" man, when I was still in a cot, and she asked him how things were going.

 

The old nightcart man replied, without any attempt at humour ... "Ahhh, this a bum job, Ma'am! .. a bum job!"

[red750]

Old joke.

 

Nightcart man was seen rummaging around in one of the buckets.

 

What are you doing?

 

My coat fell in.

 

You wouldn't wear that again, would you?

 

No, but my lunch is in the pocket.

 

 

[Jerry_Atrick]

Laugh emoji as there is no Eeeewwweee or spew emoji

 

L

 

[red750]

Not PC!

 

The other day a local mosque opened its doors and invited non-Muslims
to visit in the spirit of their faith's willingness to be open and
welcoming.

 

So I too decided to go to the local mosque at Lakemba in western
Sydney for the first time to see what it was all about. Lakemba has a
large Muslim population, and the Lakemba Mosque is Australia's largest
mosque.

 

At the time I was limping a little.  I sat down and the Imam came up
to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah and
the prophet Muhammad - you will walk today."

 

I told him I wasn't paralysed,  I only had a small bunion on my left foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly
repeated his mantra: "By the will of Allah and the prophet Muhammad -
you WILL walk today."

 

Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

 

After prayers I stepped outside…and bugger me, he was right.

My car was gone!

 

[red750]

Wife"  "Why did you wake up grumpy this morning?"

 

Husband: "Sorry, I'll let you sleep in tomorrow."

 

 

[red750]

One day, a man was dragged to the cinema by his wife who wanted to watch a romantic comedy.
Half an hour into the film,
the man felt a nudge in his elbow.
“What an outrage,” his wife murmured to him.
“The person sitting in front of us is sleeping!” the woman said, clearly offended.
Her husband was fairly annoyed.
He replied:
“You woke me up to tell me that?”

[red750]

re
Tweet
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said,
“My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said,
“That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said,
“Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said,
“My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t!ts are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.

[red750]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION  ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME  WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,  AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:  1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:  Marrying you has screwed up my life.  2. I see your face when I am dreaming.  That's why I always wake up screaming.  3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;  This describes everything you are not.  4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,  But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.  5. I thought that I could love no other  -- that is until I met your brother.  6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's  empty and so is your head.  7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;  But don't take that paper bag off your face.  8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes  Damn, I'm good at telling lies!  9. My love, you take my breath away.  What have you stepped in to smell this way?  WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING??

[red750]

The Best Story of the Year: 

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.  Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. 

 

She said, "I have a praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

 

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. 

 

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

 

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. 

 

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

 

All the men sighed with unified relief.  The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. 

 

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. 

 

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum." 

[Old Koreelah]

[red750]

Math Trick.

This is a great math trick.  

How to change a number 1 to a  number 2

 

 

[red750]

I went to the barber’s earlier and said I wanted a haircut like Tom Cruise.
He nodded and put a cushion on the chair.

[red750]

A guy walks to a barber shop, opens the door and asks the barber: “How long is the wait?”
The barber looks at the line of people waiting and says: “Oh, about 90 minutes.”
The man leaves and doesn’t come back.
The next day, the man goes to the same barber and asks: “How long is the wait today?”
The barber looks at those waiting and says: “Today is quite busy, seems like a two-and-a-half-hour wait.”
The guy leaves and doesn’t return that day.
The third day the man goes to the same barber and asks him the same question.
The barber looks and says: “Not that long, about an hour or so.”
The man turns around and starts running.
The barber tells his assistant to follow the man to see if he is going to a competing barber.
After a while the assistant returns.
The barber asks him: “Is he going to another competitor?”
The help answers: “No.”
The barber asks: “So, where the hell does he keep going to everyday?”
The help answers: “To your wife.”

[red750]

I went to the barber’s and asked for a number two all over.
I’ve washed my hair six times since and still can’t get the smell out.

[red750]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill and the barber replied: “I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.”
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied: “I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.” The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen doughnuts at his door.
Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again said: “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.”
The politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[red750]

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

[Jerry_Atrick]

8 minutes ago, red750 said:

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

F! Do I know that!

[red750]