red750 Posted November 7, 2018 Author Posted November 7, 2018 THE BIKER AND GOD: A Man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want. 'God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. Look at the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete, asphalt and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy. God replied, "You want two lanes, or four, on that bridge?"
red750 Posted November 7, 2018 Author Posted November 7, 2018 Some for Phil to pinch. Well FINALLY, it just had to come to this sooner or later! A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine." ------------------------------ ------ A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. ------------------------------ ------ A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!" ------------------------------ --- A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blonde replies. "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe." ------------------------------ ------ An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat." ------------------------------ -------- A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th." ------------------------------ ------ Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." ------------------------------ ------ A woman phoned her blonde neighbour man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at
Phil Perry Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 Very Bad Job interviews. . .#329 : Q: "What is your biggest weakness?" A: "Honesty" Q: "I don't think honesty is a weakness" A: "I don't give a $h1t what you think"
red750 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Posted November 12, 2018 Blondes are back..... Two blondes are filling up at a petrol station and the first blonde says -to the second, “I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher.” The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just £10 worth." ----------------------------- -------------------- One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers." "Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of trousers for that suit." "Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole. ------------------------------ ---------------------- Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?" ----------------------------- -------------------------- A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. "Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?" "Ten," said Buffy. So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!" "Yes," said Buffy. "So did I." ------------------------------ ---------------------- The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
Marty_d Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
red750 Posted November 14, 2018 Author Posted November 14, 2018 BAA BAA non-specified coloured grain fed halal-certified sheep Have you any cruelty-free wool? Yes gender-neutral person, yes gender-neutral person, three eco-friendly, recycled bags full.
old man emu Posted November 17, 2018 Posted November 17, 2018 Oh the excitement! Oh the joyous expectation. They are playing Christmas carols and Yuletide songs all through the shopping centre. That can only mean one thing. Only 6 weeks until Hot Cross Buns hit the shelves!
Yenn Posted November 17, 2018 Posted November 17, 2018 Oh Joy. In Qld they havn't started on the Carols yet. If there was one upside to having Muslim immigrants inn the country, that must be it.
Geoff13 Posted November 17, 2018 Posted November 17, 2018 I don't know where in Qld you live Yenn but you obviously haven't been to Carindale shops this week. Bah Bloody Humbug There are 12 Days iof Christmas and none of them are in November.
Marty_d Posted November 17, 2018 Posted November 17, 2018 I don't know where in Qld you live Yenn but you obviously haven't been to Carindale shops this week. Bah Bloody Humbug There are 12 Days iof Christmas and none of them are in November. And what the bloody hell do you do with a partridge in a pear tree anyway? Oh... hang on, just found out... [ATTACH]49684._xfImport[/ATTACH]
Phil Perry Posted November 17, 2018 Posted November 17, 2018 And what the bloody hell do you do with a partridge in a pear tree anyway? Oh... hang on, just found out... [ATTACH=full]3655[/ATTACH] Ezzackly Marty, . . .serve it with half the tree on the plate. . . Just one thing though, somebody has got to shoot the bugger out of the pear tree first. . . .
Phil Perry Posted November 17, 2018 Posted November 17, 2018 Oh the excitement! Oh the joyous expectation. They are playing Christmas carols and Yuletide songs all through the shopping centre. That can only mean one thing. Only 6 weeks until Hot Cross Buns hit the shelves! Went to a local Discount shop yesterday,. . .called B&M Bargains. . .nearly got run over by a pallet truck emerging from the store room. I peered in at the stock and saw pallets of chocolate Easter Eggs sitting ready for December 27th. . . .
red750 Posted November 19, 2018 Author Posted November 19, 2018 How others see us and use English. Wonderful English from Around the World .. In a Bangkok Temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Cocktail Lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. Doctor's Office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Dry Cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. A Nairobi Restaurant: CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP. In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. In a Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED. On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. A Laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. And finally, the all-time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window: IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER MY BACKSIDE
red750 Posted November 20, 2018 Author Posted November 20, 2018 Don't mess with oldies, part 2. A retired older couple returned to a Corvette dealership where the salesman had just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $85,000 asking price. Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $72,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model." The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman sheepishly. Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father’s Day."
Phil Perry Posted November 22, 2018 Posted November 22, 2018 How others see us and use English. Wonderful English from Around the World .. In a Bangkok Temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Cocktail Lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. Doctor's Office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Dry Cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. A Nairobi Restaurant: CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP. In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. In a Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED. On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. A Laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. And finally, the all-time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window: IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER MY BACKSIDE Thank you Peter,. . . duly Nicked. . . . . Regards,.. . . Phat Phil. . . .
red750 Posted November 24, 2018 Author Posted November 24, 2018 The value of a good vocabulary I called an old University friend and asked what he was doing. He replied that he was working on: "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a 'constrained' environment." I was impressed!!!.. However, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was; 'washing dishes,.. with hot water,.. under his wife's supervision'.
Phil Perry Posted December 3, 2018 Posted December 3, 2018 Right that's it, bedtime! Busy day tomorrow. My young son is being referred to a child psychologist. We’d rather he saw an adult, but they’re so expensive.
nomadpete Posted December 3, 2018 Posted December 3, 2018 Aaah. Child psychology. I've heard of that. My children started practicing it on me from an early age.
facthunter Posted December 4, 2018 Posted December 4, 2018 Like crying and stamping your feet near the lollies at the check out counter. OR that's not fair She got more than me. Nev
Phil Perry Posted December 4, 2018 Posted December 4, 2018 I've just accidentally swallowed a whole bottle of food colouring ... I feel like I dyed a little inside...
red750 Posted December 4, 2018 Author Posted December 4, 2018 Looks like I'm going to have to find you some new material, Phil.
facthunter Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 There may be a hint of a tint on your stools, but that will probably be the end of it.. It won't add lustre to your cluster. Nev
Cosmick Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 I thought a stool was something you sat on ............ oh ok lol, just worked it out. The meaning, not the stool.
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now