Quickies part 2

[Jerry_Atrick]

What's brown and sticky?

.

.

.

..

.

A stick!

[nomadpete]

OK.

 

Congratulations we have hit the bottom of the barrel.

 

Please can we now start in the other direction?

[red750]

That was a schoolboy joke when I was in primary school, also told by Alice on Vicar of Dibley.

[red750]

An elderly lady arrived home from church to find a thief in her house.

 

She shouted at the top of her voice "ACTS 2:38", the verse that says "Repent and be baptised."

 

The thief froze, and remained till the police arrived to arrest him. As the officer was walking him to the patrol car, he asked "Why did you freeze when she called out the scripture"?

 

The thief said, "Scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two .38's"

[red750]

My father once told me to put a potato in my swimmers to attract more women. He forgot to say put it in the front.

[facthunter]

Remove it and you are starch naked..Nev

[red750]

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down..'
 

[red750]

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

[old man emu]

4 minutes ago, red750 said:

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down..'

 

Senility is when you buy two sausage rolls for lunch; decide to eat only one; read the posts here while eating, and then find that the other sausage roll is gone, but you can't remember eating the second one. 

[spacesailor]

Just the same with  ' chocolate ' & ' icecream ' .

spacesailor

[facthunter]

Bars of chocolate while you're watching some thing, or chocolate coated peanuts. WHO can leave some?  Nev

[Marty_d]

14 hours ago, facthunter said:

Remove it and you are starch naked..Nev

He's a chip off the old block.

[pmccarthy]

I had a real breakthrough last night. The toilet paper failed.

[red750]

I see Polly Waffles are back after 15 years. Well, not the same as they were. These ones are bite sized balls. Remember the old prank, Polly Waffle in the swimming pool? Looked like a floating turd.

[octave]

 

[facthunter]

At Bondi at one stage they were called Gob stoppers.. Nev. 

[nomadpete]

1 hour ago, facthunter said:

At Bondi at one stage they were called Gob stoppers.. Nev. 

The surfers called them Blind Mullet

[Litespeed]

Bondi poo bergs or Bondi floater

[spacesailor]

" poo bergs & Bondi floater ".

I've heard of frequently. 

Stinks doesn't it .

spacesailor

[facthunter]

Great when your most famous Beach has a $#!t pipe close enough to  be a consideration as to the desirability of going in...Nev

[spacesailor]

Many is ' much ' the same .

I no-longer swim at either beach.

CLOVELLy beach is far better .

spacesailor

[red750]

Three friends, George, Alan and Richard, die in a car crash and go to heaven.
When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual spiel that everyone gets when they’re about to enter, and as they are walking in he says
” By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don’t step on a duck.”
The three friends think this is an odd rule, but they agree to it and step in.
The second they enter they realise that the final rule might be harder to follow than they thought.
Heaven is TEEMING with ducks! Try as they might, they quickly realise that avoiding the birds is going to be a difficult task.
Then it happens, “QUACK!”
George and Alan look over in shock as Richard steps on a duck.
Quickly, an angel rushes over with one of the most unattractive people the three of them have ever seen.
“Because you stepped on a duck, you are condemned to spend the rest of your time in the Kingdom shackled to this person. Have a good eternity.”
The angel shackles the two together and flies off.
After seeing what happened to Richard, the other two are warier of the consequences and begin treading extremely lightly.
The two of them make it another three days before, on the dawn of the fourth day, a loud “QUACK” is heard.
George looks at Alan, wide-eyed, fearing the worst.
The angel rushes over, ties Alan to a hideous being, and flies away.
George is now petrified that this will be his fate and becomes incredibly paranoid, barely walking anywhere.
He lasts one week or two weeks, but at the beginning of the third week, an angel brings one of the most stunningly beautiful people he has ever seen, shackles the two of them together, and flies off.
Bewildered and excited, George proclaims,
“Wow! What did I do to deserve this?”
And the person he is shackled to turns and replies
“I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck!”

[facthunter]

Is THAT IT?  Nev

[red750]

Sex between three people is a threesome. Sex between two people is a twosome. Sex with one person is handsome.

[old man emu]

It's a sin to modify another person's joke, but mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa here goes.

 

Sex with one person is alonesome.