Quickies part 2

[Marty_d]

RABBI TEARS may be caused by the high prices.

[red750]

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

[spacesailor]

I had " Rabbit tears " as a child .

We were served " Topsy & Snowy " our two pet rabbits , for Christmas dinner .

spacesailor

[facthunter]

BAD Doctors have NO Patients.   Nev

[red750]

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. “
“Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
“Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
“Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”
“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther.
“I didn’t send that one, either.”
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him,
“What was that for?”
Abe answers,
“They’ll find us!”

[red750]

Female customer in pharmacy: Does Viagra work?

 

Pharmacist:  Yes, it does.

 

Customer:  Can you get it over the counter?

 

Pharmacist:  Yes, if I take two.

[Marty_d]

Bloke goes to an Asian massage parlour for a massage.

 

Very attractive young lady is massaging him.  When he rolls over for her to do his front, she notices the large tent in his towel.

Giggling, she says "You want happy ending?"

 

Bloke thinks... why not!   "Yes please", he says.

 

She smiles and leaves the room.  He's a bit confused, but waits for her to come back.

 

5 minutes later she reappears and says... "You finish yet?"

 

[red750]

I want to date a female weather forecaster. I'd like a woman who's not right all the time.

[facthunter]

Weather forecasting is a non prophet operation..  Nev

[red750]

Don't matter....
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you.....be some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."

[red750]

A husband and wife go shopping together. They have important decisions to make on some pruchases. However, they get separated.

 

The wife phones the husband and says, "Where are you, I need your opinion on some goods?"

 

The husband replies, "You remember that jewellers shop where we looked at expensive rings we could't afford, before we were engaged?"

 

The wife gets all excited. "Yes, I remember."

 

The husband says, "Well I'm in the gun shop next door to it." 

[red750]

From a Facebook item on Cary Grant:

 

One of his favourite poems was a bit of doggerel:

 

They bought me a box of tin soldiers,

I threw all the Generals away,

I smashed up the Sergents and Majors,

Now I play with my Privates all day.

[Marty_d]

2 hours ago, red750 said:

From a Facebook item on Cary Grant:

 

One of his favourite poems was a bit of doggerel:

 

They bought me a box of tin soldiers,

I threw all the Generals away,

I smashed up the Sergents and Majors,

Now I play with my Privates all day.

Didn't they made a movie about that, with Matt Damon... what was the title again?  "Shaving Ryan's Privates"  I think.

[red750]

I’ve just been thinking that humans eat more bananas than monkeys . 

Think about it.

How many monkeys have you eaten.

[old man emu]

A major Chinese telephone company uses a panda as its mascot. The panda's name?

 

 

Ling Ling

[red750]

Ling Ling, oo dare?

[facthunter]

Allo oui,  Nev

[Litespeed]

3 hours ago, red750 said:

I’ve just been thinking that humans eat more bananas than monkeys . 

Think about it.

How many monkeys have you eaten.

Makes complete sense.

 

But does make me wonder about 

Heinze baby food.

 

How many jars can you make from a baby?

What about babies not called Heinze? Are the rejected and thrown back like John West?

[old man emu]

Then there was the Quick-change artist who went into a Fish 'n' Chip shop and came out a man eating shark

[facthunter]

FLAKE doesn't sound the same. You are not supposed to eat larger sharks. Too much Mercury.  Nev

[Litespeed]

1 minute ago, facthunter said:

FLAKE doesn't sound the same. You are not supposed to eat larger sharks. Too much Mercury.  Nev

And they,  whilst tasty are getting low in numbers for many species which screws up the food chain.

 

Worse is the bastards that just take the fins.

 

But I admit we have lots of small bull sharks, as it's a breeding ground.  They really do taste good when small.  But that's as recreational not commercial fishing and a rare take.

 

The days of sustainable shark fishing are long gone esp. with foreign ships netting anything they can get.

 

A battered Jew fish fillet is far more guilt free locally.

[facthunter]

I reckon the last bit of flake I ate was barramundi. I also call it Mekong Mudfish, Very over rated. IMHO.  Nev

[Litespeed]

57 minutes ago, facthunter said:

I reckon the last bit of flake I ate was barramundi. I also call it Mekong Mudfish, Very over rated. IMHO.  Nev

😆

 

It's revenge for all the big holes we made. Ready made dams to fish farm. 

 

There is a barramundi farm here in Port Stephens, but most you buy will be import crap. 

 

I'd rather not pollute my taste buds eating the muddy crap. If I want to taste the " terroir" of my fish, I'll catch some nice mullet.  

 

I never pay for fish but if I did barramundi ain't it.

 

 

[willedoo]

I was listening to the wireless one day recently and they had an ecologist type talking about the depletion of krill stocks due to the growing demand for krill harvesting. The shortage of krill in the southern ocean is starting to effect whale species and also penguins. I forget the species of whale, but over the last couple of years the percentage of whale pregnancies going full term has plummeted from average 80% to 20% due to malnutrition from depleted krill stocks. It's not only the booming industry of krill oil capsules as a complimentary medicine, but also the salmon fish farms feed it to the salmon to give them colour. No more farmed salmon or krill oil for me.

[Litespeed]

Yep, 

 

We are quickly and systematically destroying the trophic levels of the marine ecosystem. 

 

A very stupid state of affairs. 

 

Homo destructus strikes again.