Quickies part 2

[old man emu]

One of my Saturday morning tasks is to refill my pill box for the coming week. Today I put in the last of my krill oil capsules. I still want to take fish oil because it is supposed to be good for you, but back in my youth I carried a placard with the wording "Land Rights for Gay Whales". I was pretty eclectic in the causes I supported. 

 

Anyway, I'm not going to buy any more krill oil. The regular fish oil, squeezed from the bodies of the fish that John West rejects will do me.

[facthunter]

It might stop you rusting.  Nev

[nomadpete]

I might be wrong (feel free to  correct me), but I believe the only good fish oil for me is the oil from fresh fish. The health food capsules allegedly are made from oil byproducts of the fish industry, and some time ago it was found that much of this is bordering on rancid by the time it gets put in pills.

 

My take on this is that you probably get better quality omega 3 from the fish, rather than from the factory.

[red750]

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.
They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half.
He places one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them.
As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering
“That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table.
He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man replies that they’re just fine – they’re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks
“May I ask what is it you are waiting for?”
The old woman answers
“The teeth.”
 

[red750]

An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of
“when does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible it states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.
The doctor looked at the priest funny and said,
“You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breath your first breath of air.”
The priest and doctor continue to arguing their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.
“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.

[red750]

What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?

 

He had the stuffing knocked out of him.

[facthunter]

When he cooled off people kept kicking him..  Nev

[red750]

Why didn't Stevie Nicks want to marry William Shatner?

 

She didn't want to be known as Stevie Shatner Nicks.

[red750]

The only time I get asked for sex is on an application form.

[facthunter]

and you answer YES PLEASE? or PASS?    Nev

[spacesailor]

I have in the past , ! .

Written YES .

 spaceailor

[old man emu]

1 hour ago, spacesailor said:

I have in the past , ! .

Written YES .

 spaceailor

And that's why you don't get it. Didn't you mother teach you the word, "please"?

[spacesailor]

It's Bureaucracy. 

You can't print " please " . Now they ask M/F .

 

Mad Fxxx .

spacesailor

 

[red750]

I filled in an online form, Scamwatch I think, that asked "How do you identify?"

[nomadpete]

10 hours ago, red750 said:

I filled in an online form, Scamwatch I think, that asked "How do you identify?"

The correct answer in my household is "Yes Dear"

[red750]

This is copied from Facebook.

 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Also read 👇 👇 👇 
https://mortgagemajor.com/coles-dearest-service-dig-kaya.../
Credit - original owner ( respect 🫡)
Follow Us - Very Interesting

[red750]

After a few months of marriage, husband reported wife Missing.
Police found her, but she refused to come back.
“We met while playing mixed doubles tennis,” she said.
“When we married we planned to have 2 boys and 2 girls, to form our own mixed doubles.

Now my husband is bored with tennis and mad about football.
There are 11 boys in a soccer team and I’m worried.”

[red750]

I saw someone stealing all my socks.

 

Did you chase after them?

 

No. I got cold feet.

 

 

[ClintonB]

[red750]

A wife was frying some eggs one morning when suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

He shouted, “Careful, Careful! Put some more butter in! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Tum them now! We need more butter. They’re going to stick! Careful. I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking. Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget. Use the salt. THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him in amazement, “What is wrong with you? I know how to fry a couple of eggs.”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

[red750]

Incorrectly is spelt incorrectly in every dictionary.

[facthunter]

Not true.  Nev

[red750]

If it's not spelt "I-n-c-o-r-r-e-c-t-l-y" how is it spelt.

[facthunter]

To make sense you have to remove the ambiguity. As the writer, It's YOUR job.. You should aim to express yourself clearly unless you DESIRE to confuse. Nev

[old man emu]

Inverted commas (quotation marks) are helpful in removing ambiguity.

 

It could be worse. He could have written "Incorrectly is spelt in every dictionary", but is there a grain of truth in that?  (Triticum spelta)