Quickies part 2

[facthunter]

You could be doing similarly with a word like "Wrong". You'd be possibly committing a "wrong" (noun) there as well. Nev

[pmccarthy]

Scotsman to his doctor "I'm here for a wee cough".

Doctor reaches for his pad "OK I'll give you a week off."

Scotsman "No, it's just a wee cold."

Doctor "Well if it's a week old, you should be over it."

[red750]

I saw light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Then realised I was coming out of the Catscan machine.

[facthunter]

Or it's an express train coming the other way.  Nev

[Litespeed]

I had a CAT scan on my brain 🧠 for a strange sound I kept hearing ...

 

 

 

They found two kittens scratching to get out.

[facthunter]

That story has whiskers on it.  Paws it if you can. Nev

[Marty_d]

It wasn't a bad tail!

[facthunter]

The RSPCA are now onto it. Nev

[Litespeed]

Its ok , the RSPCA have done an inspection and approved the removal method for my kittens.

 

They provided a small Chihuahua to chase them out via my Mediterranean nose .

 

I have asked the pup to go via both sinuses to clean out the kitty litter.  

 

Then it's a visit from Bugs Bunny to clean the carrots from my ears.

[old man emu]

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly,
I don't know why she swallowed a fly – perhaps she'll die!
 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/There_Was_an_Old_Lady_Who_Swallowed_a_Fly

[pmccarthy]

1 hour ago, Litespeed said:

Its ok , the RSPCA have done an inspection and approved the removal method for my kittens.

 

They provided a small Chihuahua to chase them out via my Mediterranean nose .

 

I have asked the pup to go via both sinuses to clean out the kitty litter.  

 

Then it's a visit from Bugs Bunny to clean the carrots from my ears.

You need a Lab test. They are a great dog

[Litespeed]

Last time I had a lab test was a disaster.

 

The chocolate bugger refused to follow protocols and was often found in the act of breaking and digesting anything in the fridge or cupboards. 

 

Any attempts at chasing kittens resulted in a cyclonic destructive path indoors. The Lab when asked to do precision health care is similar to a unguided chainsaw. I was warned by the doctor but believed the blind dogs were cool.  I just failed to realise the irony.

 

Not only did the bloody Lab ignore the kittens on the second test, but immediately burst through the screen door. Later found in the kitchen of the neighbours, devouring a frozen chicken.

 

Having had all these problems previously, I have chosen a specialist assassin for the job. The idea of a rampaging meat obsessed Labrador doing brain surgery  on me was too much.

 

Both kittens have been removed,  and cuddled up to Chihuahua. They see the little killer as boss, not to be fucked with,  but friends with respect. My sinuses are better than ever and no scratching inside the skull.

 

The final report after extensive painful testing is Labradors are high cost, low precision devices for anything other than demolition and excavation. Collateral damage has proven to be as high as 10:1 kitten.

 

As a military device the Labradors only use can be as a strategic weapon to go behind enemy lines. Once deployed in force the labrador brigade can destroy all food and wiring of the  enemy. As a agent of chaos it may find a role.

 

The Labradors ability to make war grade gas combined with copious large land mines would prove additionally beneficial.

 

It was agreed by the medical and military council that the use of a Labrador would be a case of biological warfare.  The chairman Chihuahua saw a excellent idea and agreed with their advice and has deployed them on the enemy. 

[red750]

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband,
“What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said,
“In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.

[ClintonB]

the other day my daughter and i were discussing the taste of certain animals. She said do you know that some cultures eat Guinea pig and wondered what it tastes like. I said "I don't know, probably like hamster". Then she asked what do  they taste like, my answer "wheely good"

[red750]

Like the guy who went to court charged with killing a bald eagle. He claimed the eagle was killed accidently when his gun ent off. "I thought, rather than waste it I would eat it." The judge asked "What did it taste like?" The guy said "California Condor."

[red750]

Waiter: "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?"

 

My date: "No, but I'll wrestle you for them."

[red750]

"It's never too late to get in shape."

 

"That's why I'm waiting till later."

[red750]

 

The other answer is "I am in shape. Round is a shape."

[facthunter]

I've been a round a while but in better shape. .  Nev

[red750]

I looked up my family tree - and found I was the sap.   -    Red Skelton.

[onetrack]

My late stepfather used to wisecrack about his family tree - "I paid $2000 to uncover my family tree! Then I had to pay $10,000 to cover it up!!"

 

Edited June 30 by onetrack

[spacesailor]

I liked the Australian,  who said he had a king , as his ancestor . Turns out it was ten  royal ancestors. 

The first president of Australia would be good to have tacked onto his family tree . LoL

spacesailor

[old man emu]

Researching your family tree can turn up some hidden secrets. The man I thought was my grandfather, isn't. Fortunately for accuracy's sake, I have found out who my biological grandfather was.

[red750]

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? (Remember which thread this is in).

[pmccarthy]

A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynecologist looks up the family bush.