facthunter Posted June 16 Share Posted June 16 You could be doing similarly with a word like "Wrong". You'd be possibly committing a "wrong" (noun) there as well. Nev Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pmccarthy Posted June 18 Share Posted June 18 Scotsman to his doctor "I'm here for a wee cough". Doctor reaches for his pad "OK I'll give you a week off." Scotsman "No, it's just a wee cold." Doctor "Well if it's a week old, you should be over it." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted June 18 Author Share Posted June 18 I saw light at the end of the tunnel. Then realised I was coming out of the Catscan machine. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
facthunter Posted June 18 Share Posted June 18 Or it's an express train coming the other way. Nev Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Litespeed Posted June 19 Share Posted June 19 I had a CAT scan on my brain 🧠 for a strange sound I kept hearing ... They found two kittens scratching to get out. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
facthunter Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 That story has whiskers on it. Paws it if you can. Nev 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted June 20 Share Posted June 20 It wasn't a bad tail! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
facthunter Posted June 21 Share Posted June 21 The RSPCA are now onto it. Nev Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Litespeed Posted June 21 Share Posted June 21 Its ok , the RSPCA have done an inspection and approved the removal method for my kittens. They provided a small Chihuahua to chase them out via my Mediterranean nose . I have asked the pup to go via both sinuses to clean out the kitty litter. Then it's a visit from Bugs Bunny to clean the carrots from my ears. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted June 21 Share Posted June 21 There was an old lady who swallowed a fly, I don't know why she swallowed a fly – perhaps she'll die! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/There_Was_an_Old_Lady_Who_Swallowed_a_Fly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pmccarthy Posted June 21 Share Posted June 21 1 hour ago, Litespeed said: Its ok , the RSPCA have done an inspection and approved the removal method for my kittens. They provided a small Chihuahua to chase them out via my Mediterranean nose . I have asked the pup to go via both sinuses to clean out the kitty litter. Then it's a visit from Bugs Bunny to clean the carrots from my ears. You need a Lab test. They are a great dog Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Litespeed Posted June 21 Share Posted June 21 Last time I had a lab test was a disaster. The chocolate bugger refused to follow protocols and was often found in the act of breaking and digesting anything in the fridge or cupboards. Any attempts at chasing kittens resulted in a cyclonic destructive path indoors. The Lab when asked to do precision health care is similar to a unguided chainsaw. I was warned by the doctor but believed the blind dogs were cool. I just failed to realise the irony. Not only did the bloody Lab ignore the kittens on the second test, but immediately burst through the screen door. Later found in the kitchen of the neighbours, devouring a frozen chicken. Having had all these problems previously, I have chosen a specialist assassin for the job. The idea of a rampaging meat obsessed Labrador doing brain surgery on me was too much. Both kittens have been removed, and cuddled up to Chihuahua. They see the little killer as boss, not to be fucked with, but friends with respect. My sinuses are better than ever and no scratching inside the skull. The final report after extensive painful testing is Labradors are high cost, low precision devices for anything other than demolition and excavation. Collateral damage has proven to be as high as 10:1 kitten. As a military device the Labradors only use can be as a strategic weapon to go behind enemy lines. Once deployed in force the labrador brigade can destroy all food and wiring of the enemy. As a agent of chaos it may find a role. The Labradors ability to make war grade gas combined with copious large land mines would prove additionally beneficial. It was agreed by the medical and military council that the use of a Labrador would be a case of biological warfare. The chairman Chihuahua saw a excellent idea and agreed with their advice and has deployed them on the enemy. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted June 24 Author Share Posted June 24 A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?” The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.” The wife said, “Seven weeks. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClintonB Posted June 25 Share Posted June 25 the other day my daughter and i were discussing the taste of certain animals. She said do you know that some cultures eat Guinea pig and wondered what it tastes like. I said "I don't know, probably like hamster". Then she asked what do they taste like, my answer "wheely good" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted June 25 Author Share Posted June 25 Like the guy who went to court charged with killing a bald eagle. He claimed the eagle was killed accidently when his gun ent off. "I thought, rather than waste it I would eat it." The judge asked "What did it taste like?" The guy said "California Condor." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted June 29 Author Share Posted June 29 Waiter: "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?" My date: "No, but I'll wrestle you for them." 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted June 29 Author Share Posted June 29 "It's never too late to get in shape." "That's why I'm waiting till later." 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted June 29 Author Share Posted June 29 The other answer is "I am in shape. Round is a shape." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
facthunter Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 I've been a round a while but in better shape. . Nev 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted June 30 Author Share Posted June 30 I looked up my family tree - and found I was the sap. - Red Skelton. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onetrack Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 (edited) My late stepfather used to wisecrack about his family tree - "I paid $2000 to uncover my family tree! Then I had to pay $10,000 to cover it up!!" Edited June 30 by onetrack 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spacesailor Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 I liked the Australian, who said he had a king , as his ancestor . Turns out it was ten royal ancestors. The first president of Australia would be good to have tacked onto his family tree . LoL spacesailor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 Researching your family tree can turn up some hidden secrets. The man I thought was my grandfather, isn't. Fortunately for accuracy's sake, I have found out who my biological grandfather was. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted July 1 Author Share Posted July 1 What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? (Remember which thread this is in). 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pmccarthy Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynecologist looks up the family bush. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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