Quickies part 2

[old man emu]

One looks at the family tree, the other at the bush.

[old man emu]

3 hours ago, pmccarthy said:

A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

Honestly didn't see that post. Just proves that great minds think alike.

 

If two of us came up with the same response, is what PMC posted a well-known response, because I've never heard it. My response just came to me, a product of my weird mind.

[Marty_d]

The "family" bush is a bit worrying.  Getting into 1-tooth, 3-string banjo territory there.

[pmccarthy]

The proctologist went on holiday to look up his relatives.

[red750]

One evening, a Highway Patrol officer pulled his cruiser into the carpark of a hotel, and parked inconspicuously at the back of the carpark. Shortly afterwards, a patron came out of the bar and staggered around the carpark. He tried his key in four or five cars before he found one that would open. He got in the car and sat there for a few minutes, before turning on the windscreen wipers, even though it was a fine, dry night. He turned the lights on and off a couple of times, and finally started the car. He backed out a short distance then drove forward again. A few more patrons came out of the bar and drove away. The first patron then pulled out and drove down the road. The officer followed him, turning on his flashing lights and sounding his siren, He pulled the driver over, went to his window and administered a breathaliser test. To his surprise, the machine showed no alcohol reading. The officer said to the man, "You will have to come with me to the station, I think the breathaliser is broken."  "I don't think so." said the man, " I'm tonight's designated decoy."

[Jerry_Atrick]

That was a ripper.. laughed out loud on a packed train

[old man emu]

A policeman's lot is not a happy one
When constabulary duties to be done, to be done,

When the drunkard shows no sign of where the drink went,

 

[red750]

Woman talking to her husband on the phone: "You  rat. I know you've been sleeping with another woman. I'm going to stay at my sisters ."

 

Husband: "Good. I'll see you when you get here."

[octave]

[red750]

Officer to driver he pulled over - "Good evening sir. You look like you've been drinking. Can you say the alphabet for me, starting with M?"

 

Driver - "Malphabet."

[red750]

Cooking when you're p!ssed. Shove it in the oven, set to 190 deg., and take a nap. When the smoke alarm wakes you, it's done.

[nomadpete]

2 hours ago, red750 said:

Cooking when you're p!ssed. Shove it in the oven, set to 190 deg., and take a nap. When the smoke alarm wakes you, it's done.

My mother-in-law cooks this way

[Marty_d]

It's the melting plastic wrapping which smells the worst.

[old man emu]

I tried to make pikelets the other day from the recipe is the old high school Home Economics Common Sense Cook Book. They turned out to be better beer coasters than jam and cream holders.

[Marty_d]

Here you go OME.

 

1 cup plain flour

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp sodium bicarb

3 tbsp sugar

pinch salt

 

Stir the dry ingredients together, then add

 

1 egg

1 cup milk

1 tsp vanilla essence.

 

Mix in a mixer or beat the hell out of it with a whisk if you want the exercise.

 

Into a hot pan with a wipe of butter first.

 

I made these every week for the kids for about 10 years, no complaints.  (Why I know the recipe off by heart!)

[old man emu]

1 hour ago, Marty_d said:

1 cup milk

There's the reason mine were so bad. The recipe I used said 1/2 cup of milk to 1 cup of SR flour. The extra milk makes for a wetter batter.

 

Tomorrow I might make some chocolate brownies. The ALDI packet mix is the best, but I also add some more chocolate. The chocolate in the ALDI mix is in large buttons, about the size of a 20 cent piece. I sift them out and put them in a plastic sandwich bag and beat them with a wooden mallet to make smaller pieces.

[red750]

Updated nursery rhyme:

 

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard,

To get her poor dog some liver,

But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,

So she ordered a pizza be delivered.

[facthunter]

Report her to the RSPCA for animal cruelty.  Nev

[old man emu]

The recent COVID lockdowns sure changed working habits. I recently received an email with the subject: "Knock, Knock".

 

It was a Jehovah Witness working from home.

[red750]

When you order a pillow from Temu...

 

[old man emu]

Last year I had the top of my right ear removed due to a cancer. Having seen photos of trump moments after he was hit, I estimate that the damage to his ear would have been no worse than mine. I reckon he's wearing that pad for two reasons. First, it solves the problem of photographs being analysed as I have done to determine the extent of the injury. Second, it's a great sympathy catcher.

[rgmwa]

Good marketing. He'll probably still be wearing it in November.

[red750]

Even though he was in earshot, it was a bit of a longshot.

[facthunter]

He was grinning from ear to there.. It was the work of Dog.   HE was going to zap the shooter with a lightning bolt but Trump Demanded it be  done differently   to help the election go his way .Nev

[red750]

Our relationship was psychological. One was psycho, the other was logical.