Quickies part 2

[red750]

A wife was in bed with her friend when she heard her husband’s key in the door:
“Stay where you are.”
She said.
“He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife:
“Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“Nonsense.” Said the wife.
“You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”
The husband climbed out of bed and counted.
“One, two, three, four!. You’re right, you know.”

[red750]

A teacher decides to use a packet of Lifesavers to teach the kids the colours, based on the flavours.

 

Red is raspberry.

Yellow is lemon.

Green is lime.

Orange is orange.

 

Then she gives them a honey flavoured one, and the kids cannot identify it.

 

The teacher says, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mummy calls your daddy sometimes.

 

One little girl pulled a pained expression, spat hers out and said, "Oh God. They're arseholes."

 

The teacher had to leave the school.

[red750]

The Hilarious Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[red750]

The teacher says to the class "Let's talk about multi syllable words."

Little Johnny shoots up his hand.

Reluctantly, the teacher says, "Yes Johnny, what's your word?"

Johnny says, "Masterbate."

The teacher replies, "Oh, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, you're thinking of Blowjob."

[red750]

 

Spike Milligan's response to Prince Charles' compliment remains one of the funniest live TV moments of all time.
Jonathan Ross was reading out a message from Charles and he came out with a hilarious comeback...
Only Spike could rip the future King and get away with it!

[red750]

[ClintonB]

Only problem with last one, my old man eyes had trouble reading it, even expanded up on phone-it went fuzzy then

[red750]

I spotted an albino dalmation yesterday.

 

It's the least I could do for him.

[red750]

An elderly gent is walking down the street when he hears a voice say "STOP, a brick is about to fall on you." The gentn stops, and a brick falls right in front of him.

 

He proceeds down the street to a crossroad. Again he hears the voicxe. "STOP. A speeding car will hit you." He stops at the kerb and a car speeds through in front of him.

 

He turns around to see where the voice is coming from. "Who are you??" he asks.

 

The voice replies "I am your guardian angel, here to prevent you from getting into trouble."

 

The old gent says "Where were you just before I got married?"

[red750]

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old man ghost’s face there. 

The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?” The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?” The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror. 

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. “There he is again,” the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?” “Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”

They were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?” The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”

[Marty_d]

But... The speedo is from a worm drive on the front wheel, isn't it? And that joke's so old it'd have to be a rear wheel drive.

So the speedo couldn't show anything if they were spinning the wheels in mud.

[red750]

Jeez, you sure know how to kill a joke. No need to be literal. I just repost from Facebook.

[Marty_d]

I'm just being a bastard Peter! Pay no attention.

[pmccarthy]

A lot of old cars drove the speedo from the gearbox so I am with Red.

[facthunter]

Yes it's usually taken from the rear of the gearbox because it has a fixed ratio relationship with the rear tyres. Nev

[old man emu]

Yeah, Marty!

 

Red's right. Especially if the joke's as old a Methuselah.

[Marty_d]

Oh ok.  My attempt at a humorous debunking backfired.  

I can't remember which of the cars I had, but one of them I had to replace the speedo wire and I'm sure the worm gear was on one of the front hubs somewhere.

[pmccarthy]

Just got back from the doctors. He said I've got to have an earring made. What a strange thing to say.

[spacesailor]

Are you getting an " in ear " made.

Or an ' over ear ' made . LoL

spacesailor

 

[onetrack]

The only vehicles I know of, that run the speedo off the front wheel hub are some later model VW's - and of course, motorcycles.

[old man emu]

17 minutes ago, onetrack said:

The only vehicles I know of, that run the speedo off the front wheel hub are some later model VW's - and of course, motorcycles.

I know that the Beetle, at least up until the mid-60s, ran it's speed off the front wheel hub

[facthunter]

I think the model T Ford did also. It's much harder on the cable to have a wheel that moves compared with a fairly straight up cable run  from  the REAR of the gearbox. It is worthwhile to pull the inner cable out and put some suitable  grease on it and make sure it's not kinked. IF you change the diff ratio or tire rolling diameter,  the speedo will have an error..   Motorcycles have the drive from front wheel Back wheel and the gearbox  on various models. Trials bikes had the drive from the front wheel to register the distance more accurately. The rear wheel spinning in mud renders it unreliable for the DISTANCE indication.. Nev

[red750]

Billy:  I'm afraid I have bad news.

 

Bob:   Good thing I'm sitting down.

 

Billy:   I just painted that chair.

[red750]

The husband comes home, and his wife says to him, "You know those headaches I've had for the last few years?"

 

"Yes." says the husband.

 

"Well, they've gone. No more headaches."

 

"What happened?" asked the husband.

 

The wife replies, "Margie suggested I should go and see this hypnotist, so I saw him three weeks ago. He told me to stand in front of the mirror and say: No more headches, no more headaches, no more headaches. I haven't had a headache since."

 

"That's marvellous" says the husband.

 

The wife says, "You haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom for a while, may you should see the hypnotist."

 

"OK, I will." said the husband. Off he went, and when he came back, he grabbed his wife, took off here clothes, put her on the bed. He said "Wait one moment", and went into the bathroom. He came back and made passionate love to he like he hadn't done for years. She was delighted.

 

He got up and said, "Wait there a moment." and went into the bathroom again. He came back and once again, made passionate love to her, even more enthusiastically than before. She was almost passing out with delight.

 

For a third time, he got up and went to the bathroom. This time she followed him and peaked through the door. There he was in front of the mirror, repeating "She's not my wife, she's not my wife."

 

The funeral is next Tuesday.

[red750]

I saw a bumper sticker today that said

 

                I AM A VETERINARIAN
               I DRIVE LIKE AN ANIMAL.

 

Then it occurred to me that there are a lot of proctologists on the road.