Quickies part 2

[red750]

A new toy has hit the shelves - a talking female Muslem doll. No-one knows what she says - they're not game to pull the string.

 

 

[red750]

A bit longer than a quicky, but it's a goody.

 

Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)

 

Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!

 

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

 

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

 

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

 

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...

 

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

 

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

 

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

 

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."

 

P.S. I know some of you are not over 70. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are....... I figured your sense of humour could handle it...If not... find a sense of humour.... We all need to have one of these !!!.

 

We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle. EH!

 

 

[spacesailor]

? Garage door remote, TV remote,

 

I thought you were MARRIED.

 

Open the garage honey !

 

Turn on the footy honey !.

 

I must have a good one !.

 

Put my socks & shoes on me, honey, I can't get down that far to touch my shoes, never mind touching your toes. LoL

 

spacesailor

 

 

[Jerry_Atrick]

If this is posted in funny videos, sorry...

 

 

[storchy neil]

not good advice space as I recuperate in hospital neil

 

 

[PA.]

My kids threw up after I told them I'd put Ginger in the curry.

 

They loved that cat.

 

 

[David2ayo]

I really love cats too. We should exchange recipes.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

I went into the library last week and asked the librarian if there are any books on paranoia.

 

She looked at me, leant forward and whispered...

 

"They're right behind you."

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Breaking News flash from France.

 

A large cheese warehouse to the south of Paris has experienced a massive explosion.

 

Police say it is not terror related but that there is de Brie everywhere.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

The guy who invented the USB connector died...

 

They lowered the coffin into his grave.

 

Then they lifted it back out, turned it round, and lowered it back in again.

 

 

[Old Koreelah]

Stop!

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Since radio stations decided to pull “Baby it’s Cold Outside” from their playlists because someone was offended, I feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well. Do so immediately.

 

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to soft-core porn and cheating on daddy.

 

2. The Christmas Song: Open fire? Pollution. Folks dressed up like Eskimos? Cultural appropriation

 

3. Holly Jolly Christmas: Kiss her once for me? Unwanted advances

 

4. White Christmas? Racist

 

5. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you’re sleeping? Knows when you’re awake? Peeping Tom stalker

 

6. Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Everyone telling you be of good cheer? Forced to hide depression

 

7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Bullying

 

8. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: Forced gender-specific gifts: dolls for Janice and Jen and boots and pistols (GUNS!) for Barney and Ben

 

9. Santa Baby: Gold digger, blackmail, hooker

 

10. Frosty the Snowman: Sexist; not a snow woman

 

11. Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired

 

12. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: Make the yuletide GAY? Wow, just wow

 

13. Jingle Bell Rock: Giddy up jingle horse, pick up your feet: animal abuse

 

14. Mistletoe and Holly: Overeating, folks stealing a kiss or two? How did this song ever see the light of day?

 

15. Winter Wonderland: Parson Brown demanding they get married…forced partnership

 

16. The Hanukkah song- I'm not Jewish, don't force your religion on others.

 

17. Grandma got run over by a reindeer- promotes a hit and run..also I don't want my kid to think there's no such person. . .

 

 

[old man emu]

18. Six White Boomers: Animal abuse - Six white boomers, snow white boomers, Racing Santa Claus through the blazing sun.

 

19. Six White Boomers: Paedophilia - Come up on my lap here, son, and have a look around.'

 

20. Dashing through the Bush: Dangerous driving, unroadworthy vehicle, unrestrained animal in cabin

 

 

[facthunter]

I think it's understood that Hens lay them.. Are there free and captured Ranges?. Nev

 

 

[nomadpete]

I always appreciate a hearty egg and bacon breakfast, the morning after a good lay.

 

 

[old man emu]

It's the makin' bacon that I like most.

 

 

[nomadpete]

It's the makin' bacon that I like most.

Free range, or barn laid?

 

 

[old man emu]

Don't care. Anywhere I can get on the nest.

 

 

[Marty_d]

Don't care. Anywhere I can get on the nest.

Sounds like you'd get on well with our rooster. Actually, you may be in competition with him...

 

 

[Jerry_Atrick]

Breaking News flash from France.

A large cheese warehouse to the south of Paris has experienced a massive explosion.

 

Police say it is not terror related but that there is de Brie everywhere.

 

 

 

[old man emu]

Heck, Jerry. I thought it was a Gouda one

 

 

[Jerry_Atrick]

Heck, Jerry. I thought it was a Gouda one

 

 

[PA.]

Xmas shopping done. That's 15 minutes of my life I won't get back.

 

 

[red750]

They say sex with two women is a threesome,

 

sex with one woman is a twosome.

 

Now I know why they call you handsome.

 

Merry Christmas all.

 

 

[Marty_d]

Merry xmas Red! And to all.

 

May your flights, drives, and sex all be safe. (And carrying on with Red's theme, you know what the safest is!)