Phil Perry Posted January 12, 2019 Share Posted January 12, 2019 A friend, on trying to read the menu in a cafe,. . . once asked a French waitress, “qu’est-ce qui c’est Le Special du Jour?” To which she replied, ( in perfect English, ). . . . “it means. . ' today’s special Sir. . .'. Ya gotta LOVE English folk when they travel outside of Engerland. . . The very LAST item in their baggage,. . is a Phrase book, ALWAYS expecting those in Non English speaking Countries to understand them if they speak English S L O W L Y . . .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted January 12, 2019 Share Posted January 12, 2019 Phrase book? C'mon Phil ! Don't you know about Google Translate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted January 12, 2019 Share Posted January 12, 2019 Phrase book?C'mon Phil ! Don't you know about Google Translate? Most people of my vintage mate,. . Don't own a 'Smartypants Phone,. . .very few use a computer and a lot of Them have no idea of how to do anything with it,. . unless they did Metalwork at school. . .(!) I do not need this facility, as I Already speak some German. Spanish, French, Clogger, Russian and Turkish. . .along with some insults in Farsi, Arabic, Hindi, Gujurati and Japanese. . . .Though I guess that a Translator 'APP' might save some trouble if I was in Brazil, and tried to order a breakfast and got Oysters Copacobana with Braised Squid and Lemon Ice Cream. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
facthunter Posted January 12, 2019 Share Posted January 12, 2019 A Phrase book" with phononetic pronunciations is very effective at getting your message across but sometimes it's SO good "they" think you can actually speak "Language x", well . and you then have to explain that you don't speak it well. just a "little" here and there.. Word to word translation without contextual relevance can cause mirth (and derision) as well. Nev Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 I found that when trying to communicate with people who were unable to speak (mutes) that communicating by writing was successful, if the people were English speakers. If you wanted to converse with someone who did not speak English, you could revert to using pictographs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Share Posted January 14, 2019 Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 And heading towards 70 or beyond! 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?' 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now will never wear out. 8. You can eat supper at 4 PM. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse. 15 Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends , because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list. Forward this to everyone you can remember Right now! AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING: Never, NEVER, NEVER , Under any circumstances, Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on The same night! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spacesailor Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 LOVE that last remark. "AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING: Never, NEVER, NEVER , Under any circumstances, Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on The same night! " A bit worried about taking a "Laxettes" Any time after lunch !. LoL No need of the sleeping pills, I nod off any time after lunch. spacesailor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now ... I have a £500,000 home, a £35,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 The following is a short text exchange between an Airline Captain and his Wife,. . .as he was travelling home by train, from a gruelling four day job. Pilot . . . 11.53. . . ETA Base @ - 12 49. Wife . . . ."Roger - report Bishops Stortford". . Pilot:. . . ."Wilco" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 The following is a short text exchange between an Airline Captain and his Wife,. . .as he was travelling home by train, from a gruelling four day job.Pilot . . . 11.53. . . ETA Base @ - 12 49. Wife . . . ."Roger - report Bishops Stortford". . Pilot:. . . ."Wilco" You are getting really obscure with your jokes, Phil. Steort-ford, the ford at the tongue of land. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 The following is a short text exchange between an Airline Captain and his Wife,. . .as he was travelling home by train, from a gruelling four day job. Pilot . . . 11.53. . . ETA Base @ - 12 49. Wife . . . ."Roger - report Bishops Stortford". . Pilot:. . . ."Wilco" Huh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 Marty_d It's a reference to lunching at the "Y" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 It is? Bit subtle for me. Phil is obviously a cunning linguist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 Not guilty yer worship. . .that 'short position report' was sent to me by my friend David the pilot . . He obviously thought it amusing . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 In aviation terms, it could indicate that the pilot was turning Base for a landing on 04 at Stansted, but where's the humour in that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 In aviation terms, it could indicate that the pilot was turning Base for a landing on 04 at Stansted, but where's the humour in that? OWKAY. . . I asked the sender to explain the 'Humour' and he said. . ."His Missus used to jump into the Landy and drive to the next station to pick him up from Flight training in a (Piper Warrior) He tried to use aviation parlance in his text messages as it was all part of the magic of being a trainee Aviator (?) amd Wifey played along. (He had completed 18 hours of training without crashing and dying and was lovin' it. . .) I pasted the text of what I had posted here and he told me that I was a C### and had got it all wrong. It was his younger Brother who was having the lessons but he didn't say where, and although I know where Bish Stort is, I award you A+ for research in noticing that it is close to Stansted Airport. RYANAIR call it london ( Stansted ). . .although it would cost you a bloody fortune in a taxi to get to the central smoke. . But Michael O'Leary of Ryanair is a well known A$$hole. . . .He flies to some joint 67 Kilometres from Paris by road. . ., but still calls it 'PARIS' . . . I asked him what the original text actually said then,. . but he line went dead, so we'll never know if He's suspended on base for some runway or other . . .Stansted is Immigrant Import Central BTW,. . Duno why, but there it is. . . Nobody ever asks the meaning of the jokes that I invent myself. . .. . . ( sobs ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted January 18, 2019 Author Share Posted January 18, 2019 Classic logic from Cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willedoo Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 One for the computer nerds, apologies if it's been posted before: A systems programmer walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot starts squawking "Arrrgh, pieces of nine, pieces of nine!" The bartender turns to the programmer and says "Mate, what's wrong with that bird?". The programmer responds "He's ok, it's just a parroty error" The bartender replies, "Ah, I thought he was a bit off." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 Smart bartender - Got to the kernel of the problem pretty quickly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted January 18, 2019 Author Share Posted January 18, 2019 These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) Q. Name the four seasons ? A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. How is Dew formed ? A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids ? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope) Q. What happens to your body as you age ? A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty ? A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes ? A. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination ? A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted January 18, 2019 Author Share Posted January 18, 2019 And more- Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby Q. What is the most common form of birth control ? A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'? A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the Male side. These are our rules:- Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. 1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. if we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing’, we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it's like camping. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 There's no denying that Rule No 1 should be followed at all times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spacesailor Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 IF Rule No 1 annoys. Start wearing name tags & other Badges on your belt. THEN Complain, "get your eyes up" (from the male's crotch). spacesailor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerry_Atrick Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 And I do follow the subject of rude 1 - everywhere they may be (well some of them are best avoided thinking about it) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now