Phil Perry Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 By the way, to all those who received a book from me for Christmas. They're due back at the library tomorrow.
Phil Perry Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 Internet post from a Scottish friend. . . ( Any Expat Scots on here ? ) Although I am a Scot and will be celebrating Burns Night, I won't be celebrating all things Scottish I'm afraid. Things on my list not to celebrate: The Scottish National Party Deep fried pizza Deep fried Mars Bars 'Genuine' Scottish shortbread biscuits Munchie boxes "You'll have had your tea" The Nanny State messages on Scottish motorway gantry signs "Plaque Kills! Brush Your Teeth" Road signs in Gaelic Catholic - Protestant bigotry The obsession with football Small minded parochialism Square sausage Midges Horizontal rain Hating the English Salt and sauce on chips Stuck up Edinburgh people In yer face Glasgow people The Scottish National Party Nil nil draws between Stenhousemuir and Brechin City I'm sure I'll think of some more later.
David2ayo Posted January 27, 2019 Posted January 27, 2019 Thanks for the 'heads up' Phil. I've now cancelled the trip to Bali, we're going to New Zealand. David
storchy neil Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 drought on up your way dav cant yah find ops I will leave it a lone neil
red750 Posted January 29, 2019 Author Posted January 29, 2019 1 Low Battery: A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal. ~~~~~ 2 Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto ! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls ! ~~~~~ 3 Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him England . ~~~~~ 4 If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam. ~~~~~ 5 They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly. ~~~~~ 6 Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Woolies. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take. ~~~~~ 7 63 Pakistanis died on Christmas Island this morning. It was not a terrorist attack. A bunk bed in the detention centre collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .
red750 Posted January 29, 2019 Author Posted January 29, 2019 An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads: COLD BEER: $5.00 HAMBURGER: $10.00 CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50 HAND JOB: $250.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?” The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.” The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands really, really good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
Phil Perry Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 My wife gives sound advice, although most of it tends to be sound rather than advice . . .
Phil Perry Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 Every time I leap into a public jacuzzi I think. . . . "We're all in this together."
facthunter Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Are you old barstewards enjoying yourselves? Indulging in aural sex? Nev
David2ayo Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 As you get older, Nev, its a bit like the three wise monkeys. Too blind to see evil, too deaf to hear evil, but fortunately we still have access to our keyboards. David
old man emu Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 I think I'm getting too much fibre in my diet. I went to the gallops on Saturday and spent the afternoon checking out the form of the fillies. Not their racing form.
Litespeed Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 OME, At least when you look at the fillies, what you see is what you get. About the only thing honest you will ever see in racing. I have said a million times the only way to make it fair is have the horse ride the Jockey.
storchy neil Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 Every time I leap into a public jacuzzi I think. . . . "We're all in this together." phil that would be a siiiiiiight for sore eyes neil
Marty_d Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 I think I'm getting too much fibre in my diet.I went to the gallops on Saturday and spent the afternoon checking out the form of the fillies. Not their racing form. These ones? [ATTACH]49836._xfImport[/ATTACH]
old man emu Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 Nah! the one on the left. [ATTACH]49837._xfImport[/ATTACH]
PA. Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 That moment when you realize that going commando was not your best idea. These ones? [ATTACH=full]3824[/ATTACH]
Marty_d Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 That moment when you realize that going commando was not your best idea. I don't know, I don't think those 2 blokes watching are complaining.
Phil Perry Posted February 7, 2019 Posted February 7, 2019 Not a big fan of hospitals, but occasionally you have to venture in. In one hospital ward, I heard the patients reciting Scottish poetry. Apparently it was the Serious Burns Unit.
red750 Posted February 9, 2019 Author Posted February 9, 2019 I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window.. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole. Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me. Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way,and security can't pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today. Hot Damn...Safe at last!
old man emu Posted February 10, 2019 Posted February 10, 2019 You can't get 'further behind than Walla Walla' (Honouring the immortal Walla Walla ) but you can get there by turning off the Olympic Way at Gerogery. Grong Grong is so bad that the trains don't stop there anymore, and the Newell Highway moved 2 kms away to disassociate itself from the town. You won't find a gnu at Goonoo Goonoo.
facthunter Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Do we have any International "friends" these days? I'm practicing a New Zealand accent for if I ever go overseas again. Nev
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