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Quickies part 2


red750

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Internet post from a Scottish friend. . . ( Any Expat Scots on here ? )

 

Although I am a Scot and will be celebrating Burns Night, I won't be celebrating all things Scottish I'm afraid.

 

Things on my list not to celebrate:

 

The Scottish National Party

 

Deep fried pizza

 

Deep fried Mars Bars

 

'Genuine' Scottish shortbread biscuits

 

Munchie boxes

 

"You'll have had your tea"

 

The Nanny State messages on Scottish motorway gantry signs "Plaque Kills! Brush Your Teeth"

 

Road signs in Gaelic

 

Catholic - Protestant bigotry

 

The obsession with football

 

Small minded parochialism

 

Square sausage

 

Midges

 

Horizontal rain

 

Hating the English

 

Salt and sauce on chips

 

Stuck up Edinburgh people

 

In yer face Glasgow people

 

The Scottish National Party

 

Nil nil draws between Stenhousemuir and Brechin City

 

I'm sure I'll think of some more later.

 

 

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1 Low Battery: A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.

 

~~~~~

 

2 Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto ! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls !

 

~~~~~

 

3 Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him England .

 

~~~~~

 

4 If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

 

~~~~~

 

5 They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

 

~~~~~

 

6 Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Woolies. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

 

~~~~~

 

7 63 Pakistanis died on Christmas Island this morning. It was not a terrorist attack. A bunk bed in the detention centre collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .

 

 

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An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.



 

 

 



As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

 

 

 

COLD BEER: $5.00

 



HAMBURGER: $10.00

 



CHEESEBURGER: $15.50

 



CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50

 



HAND JOB: $250.00

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up

 



to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

 



“Yes?” she inquires with a wide,

 



knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

 

 

 



The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers,

 

 

 

“I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

 

 

 



She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs,

 

 

 

“Yes sir, I sure am.”

 

 

 



The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,

 

 

 

“Well then, be sure to wash your hands really, really good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

 

 

 

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I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window..

 

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

 

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.

 

Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.

 

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.

 

I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

 

Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way,and security can't pat me down.

 

If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.

 

Hot Damn...Safe at last!

 

 

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You can't get 'further behind than Walla Walla' (Honouring the immortal Walla Walla ) but you can get there by turning off the Olympic Way at Gerogery.

 

Grong Grong is so bad that the trains don't stop there anymore, and the Newell Highway moved 2 kms away to disassociate itself from the town.

 

You won't find a gnu at Goonoo Goonoo.

 

 

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