Quickies part 2

[old man emu]

Who's your writer, Phil? Milton Jones?

 

Milton Jones - Wikipedia

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzL5x3NoFwI:218

 

 

[nomadpete]

Marty, you're gonna get banned if you keep on encouraging him. Most of us are too old to have any need for Dad jokes.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

The mafia forced my brother to go on a creative writing course.

 

They made him an author, he couldn't refuse. . . .

 

 

[Marty_d]

Marty, you're gonna get banned if you keep on encouraging him. Most of us are too old to have any need for Dad jokes.

I know, I just can't help it... Sometimes he has a run of good ones.

 

 

[facthunter]

Dad jokes are racist. There's an assumption you are post human and of no further use, bar being the object of a bad taste joke.Nev

 

 

[nomadpete]

So, there is a whole race of Dads?

 

Are you saying dads are not even humans?

 

I've got progeny that completely agree with that!

 

 

[pmccarthy]

Is there a difference between a dad joke and a grandpa joke? I have been accused of both.

 

 

[nomadpete]

That's because you ARE both!

 

 

[Phil Perry]

This subject was touched upon at a recent family meal. . .I have been reliably informed by Both my Daughters that, I will not be a Grandfather within my limited lifetime. . . .Bloody career women. . .grrrr. . .

 

 

[PA.]

This subject was touched upon at a recent family meal. . .I have been reliably informed by Both my Daughters that, I will not be a Grandfather within my limited lifetime. . . .Bloody career women. . .grrrr. . .

Inform them that there are several half brothers and a couple of half sisters to ensure you will achieve Grandfather status.

 

 

[nomadpete]

Phil, you have very sensible daughters.

 

 

[Old Koreelah]

Inform them that there are several half brothers and a couple of half sisters to ensure you will achieve Grandfather status.

...and those half siblings are more likely to inherit your ill-gotten wealth!

 

 

[spacesailor]

Phil

 

Can I send a few of my Grand-children, over to you. When your Daughter's see the fuss you will undoubtedly make of them, the could get a little jealous !.

 

OR would you prefer Great-Grand Kids, One Grand-daughter has Four.

 

That's why my family is so big, it's because they're Nor career orientated, Just JOB hunters.

 

spacesailor

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Recently I've been shouting at things in my kitchen.

 

You are a yoghurt

 

I hate you milk

 

You are literally double cream

 

How soon before I'm in court accused of being lactose intolerant ?

 

 

[pmccarthy]

I have never tried to climb Mount Everest because I am lack toes intolerant.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

ME: What's the Wifi password?

 

BARTENDER: You need to buy a drink first.

 

ME: I'll have a coke.

 

BARTENDER: Is Pepsi ok?

 

ME: Sure...how much is that?

 

BARTENDER: £3.

 

ME: Give me one, now what's the Wifi password?

 

BARTENDER: You need to buy a drink first........no spaces and all lowercase.

 

 

[nomadpete]

Aaah.

 

Good one.

 

That's better Phil.

 

 

[David2ayo]

Mary had a little lamb. The midwife was surprised.

 

But when McDonald had a farm, she couldn't believe her eyes!

 

 

[red750]

NO SEX....SINCE 1955

 

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

 

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.

 

Is something bothering you?"

 

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,

 

"It looks like you have seen a lot of action"

 

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

 

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,

 

"You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

 

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

 

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the

 

wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

 

"1955, ma'am"

 

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need

 

to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led

 

him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

 

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and

 

said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

 

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not;

 

it's only 2130 now."

 

 

[old man emu]

I heard that a shire council around the Northern Rivers of NSW has declined an application for a nudist colony adjoining a State Forest.

 

Apparently it was feared that the bares would sh!t on the woods.

 

 

[red750]

The Last Day of Life

 

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.

 

The first room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

 

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress of the physical effort got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

 

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. Fortunately I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but then some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot causing me to fall again. Luckily I hit some awnings and bushes and survived but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

 

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

 

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest... "

 

 

[red750]

Passed a plumbers truck on Canterbury Rd. Rego - FOR-U2P

 

 

[storchy neil]

Sheeet how in the hell did get room to pass it some one see your indercator or were you driving a tank Neil

 

 

[nomadpete]

Plumbers seem to have a sense of humour. Guess they have to when they have to deal with so much of other people's Shyte.

 

Saw a plumbers truck with a sign across the back.....

 

"It looks like shit to you but it's bread and butter to me"

 

 

[red750]

Sheeet how in the hell did get room to pass it some one see your indercator or were you driving a tank Neil

I have no idea what you are on about, Neil - as usual.