old man emu Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Who's your writer, Phil? Milton Jones? Milton Jones - Wikipedia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzL5x3NoFwI:218 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomadpete Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Marty, you're gonna get banned if you keep on encouraging him. Most of us are too old to have any need for Dad jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 The mafia forced my brother to go on a creative writing course. They made him an author, he couldn't refuse. . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 Marty, you're gonna get banned if you keep on encouraging him. Most of us are too old to have any need for Dad jokes. I know, I just can't help it... Sometimes he has a run of good ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
facthunter Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 Dad jokes are racist. There's an assumption you are post human and of no further use, bar being the object of a bad taste joke.Nev Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomadpete Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 So, there is a whole race of Dads? Are you saying dads are not even humans? I've got progeny that completely agree with that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pmccarthy Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 Is there a difference between a dad joke and a grandpa joke? I have been accused of both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomadpete Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 That's because you ARE both! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 This subject was touched upon at a recent family meal. . .I have been reliably informed by Both my Daughters that, I will not be a Grandfather within my limited lifetime. . . .Bloody career women. . .grrrr. . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PA. Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 This subject was touched upon at a recent family meal. . .I have been reliably informed by Both my Daughters that, I will not be a Grandfather within my limited lifetime. . . .Bloody career women. . .grrrr. . . Inform them that there are several half brothers and a couple of half sisters to ensure you will achieve Grandfather status. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomadpete Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 Phil, you have very sensible daughters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Koreelah Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 Inform them that there are several half brothers and a couple of half sisters to ensure you will achieve Grandfather status. ...and those half siblings are more likely to inherit your ill-gotten wealth! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spacesailor Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 Phil Can I send a few of my Grand-children, over to you. When your Daughter's see the fuss you will undoubtedly make of them, the could get a little jealous !. OR would you prefer Great-Grand Kids, One Grand-daughter has Four. That's why my family is so big, it's because they're Nor career orientated, Just JOB hunters. spacesailor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 Recently I've been shouting at things in my kitchen. You are a yoghurt I hate you milk You are literally double cream How soon before I'm in court accused of being lactose intolerant ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pmccarthy Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 I have never tried to climb Mount Everest because I am lack toes intolerant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 ME: What's the Wifi password? BARTENDER: You need to buy a drink first. ME: I'll have a coke. BARTENDER: Is Pepsi ok? ME: Sure...how much is that? BARTENDER: £3. ME: Give me one, now what's the Wifi password? BARTENDER: You need to buy a drink first........no spaces and all lowercase. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomadpete Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Aaah. Good one. That's better Phil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David2ayo Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Mary had a little lamb. The midwife was surprised. But when McDonald had a farm, she couldn't believe her eyes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted March 25, 2019 Author Share Posted March 25, 2019 NO SEX....SINCE 1955 A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action" "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex? "1955, ma'am" "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted March 25, 2019 Share Posted March 25, 2019 I heard that a shire council around the Northern Rivers of NSW has declined an application for a nudist colony adjoining a State Forest. Apparently it was feared that the bares would sh!t on the woods. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted March 27, 2019 Author Share Posted March 27, 2019 The Last Day of Life All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. The first room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life. The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress of the physical effort got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office. The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. Fortunately I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but then some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot causing me to fall again. Luckily I hit some awnings and bushes and survived but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room. He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you." "I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest... " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted March 28, 2019 Author Share Posted March 28, 2019 Passed a plumbers truck on Canterbury Rd. Rego - FOR-U2P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
storchy neil Posted March 29, 2019 Share Posted March 29, 2019 Sheeet how in the hell did get room to pass it some one see your indercator or were you driving a tank Neil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomadpete Posted March 29, 2019 Share Posted March 29, 2019 Plumbers seem to have a sense of humour. Guess they have to when they have to deal with so much of other people's Shyte. Saw a plumbers truck with a sign across the back..... "It looks like shit to you but it's bread and butter to me" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted March 29, 2019 Author Share Posted March 29, 2019 Sheeet how in the hell did get room to pass it some one see your indercator or were you driving a tank Neil I have no idea what you are on about, Neil - as usual. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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