Quickies part 2

[Phil Perry]

My mate tries hard to get to work early to beat the crowds, he's loving his new job . . . .. with the riot police.

 

Loves to go Clubbing on Weekends too. . ..

 

 

[nomadpete]

*Especially for English Language Lovers.

 

Can any one tell the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'? No dictionary has ever been able to define the subtle difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.'

 

However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Sun Sherman an Indian American, was the clever winner.

 

His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished.' And , when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished.'

 

 

[red750]

Guy goes into an office with a sheet of paper in his hand. He walks up to a man sitting next to a shredder. He asks, "How do you use this thing? I want it done correctly." The man at the desk say, "Place it in the slot at the top and push the button." The guy does as instructed, then asks, "Where do the copies come out?"

 

 

[PA.]

Why use a printer and a Shredder, use a Shrinter.

 

 

[red750]

The Ex-Wife

 

One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his motorcycle in the garage.

 

His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

 

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so

 

much of your time out here in your garage.

 

You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun collection, your fishing gear, the boat and all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car and your home brewing equipment."

 

Tom got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

 

He replied, "For a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife!"

 

" ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

 

Tom replied, "I wasn't."

 

 

[red750]

Irish Mirror

(I hope this brightens up your day)

 

 

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.

'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder....'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'

 

[red750]

Two thousand years ago, in the Middle East, how did Jesus manage to find twelve guys with names like Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Thomas, Peter, Andrew, etc.?

 

 

[old man emu]

They Latinised them when they moved to Italy.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.

 

"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."

 

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

 

"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

 

 

[Phil Perry]

... My wife who was wearing a leopard-skin skirt and a sparkly top, said 'do I look like a cheap hooker in this outfit ?',

 

Ever the gentleman, . . . I leapt to her defence and said

 

"of course not, you look like a very reasonably priced hooker .."

 

 

[old man emu]

And then the fight started.

 

 

[red750]

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

 

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

 

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

 

'You ok?' she says.

 

'Yes.' he says.

 

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

 

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

 

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

 

The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the Goalie !"

 

 

[facthunter]

The blonds and the Irish sure cop it..It's just not fair. Nev

 

 

[old man emu]

Don't you mean "It's just not the fair"?

 

 

[red750]

Tough luck if you are an Irish blonde.

 

 

[facthunter]

They are usually black or red.. Nev

 

 

[old man emu]

If a woman's work is never done, how come coffee shops are always full of women?

 

 

[spacesailor]

Smoko !.

 

spacesailor

 

 

[Marty_d]

Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were meeting up for a beer in a pub.

 

"This pub isn't a patch on my local back home," said the Scotsman.

 

"When I go in there the barman is ready with my usual drink and every third one is free!"

 

"Hah!" says the Englishman.

 

"My regular is better than that. Every SECOND drink is free and regular punters like me are allowed to stay well beyond closing time!"

 

The Irishman thinks a bit.

 

"Now, lads, I think my local pub might have yours beat. You go in with no money whatsoever, you get free drinks, and at the end of the evening there's guaranteed sex!"

 

The other two blokes stare at him.

 

The Englishman says "Now, Danny, do you mean to tell me this happens to you every time you go to this local?"

 

The Irishman looks up, surprised.

 

"Me? No, it's never happened to me when I go there.

 

But it happens to my sister all the time!"

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Filth !

 

 

[Phil Perry]

There might be some disruption if you are thinking about crossing the English Channel today . . ..

 

A container ship full of blue paint has collided with a container ship full of red paint, the crews have been marooned . . .

 

 

[old man emu]

I was home-schooled as a teenager. I hated it.

 

Any chance I got, I'd nick off and hang around at the local high school.

 

 

[Marty_d]

There might be some disruption if you are thinking about crossing the English Channel today . . ..

A container ship full of blue paint has collided with a container ship full of red paint, the crews have been marooned . . .

Wouldn't they have been purpled?

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Wouldn't they have been purpled?

Depends upon the proportions I guess,. . .could even be CERISEd or MAGENTAd ?

 

 

[Phil Perry]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife and asked, "Is this your wife, sir?”

 

Shocked, I answered, "Yes it is."

 

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus.”

 

I said, "I know,. . . . . .

 

but she has a lovely personality ."