red750 Posted May 15, 2018 Author Posted May 15, 2018 A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER.... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice... Sincerely, Dick van Dyke (I don't care who you are, that's funny.)
Phil Perry Posted May 15, 2018 Posted May 15, 2018 A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER.... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice... Sincerely, Dick van Dyke (I don't care who you are, that's funny.) Reminds me about that bloke Dickie Napoleon,. . . . Changed his name to Willie Nelson. . .
old man emu Posted May 16, 2018 Posted May 16, 2018 I went to see the fish at a Japanese Garden, but they wouldn't come out from under the lilypads. They were being Koi.
PA. Posted May 18, 2018 Posted May 18, 2018 You have to feel a bit sorry for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle that neither of their fathers will be at their wedding.
Marty_d Posted May 18, 2018 Posted May 18, 2018 Ah leave the poor ranga alone... just because he bears a passing resemblance to a certain polo-player...
red750 Posted May 24, 2018 Author Posted May 24, 2018 TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2018 I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there. My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another. I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!
spacesailor Posted May 24, 2018 Posted May 24, 2018 INSANELY MARVELOUS Thank you. RED (retired-extremely-dangerous) spacesailor
red750 Posted June 1, 2018 Author Posted June 1, 2018 Two Queenslanders, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their local bar having a few beers. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know what? I'm tired of drifting through life without a real education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go down to that TAFE College and sign up for some classes." Next day, Jim goes to the TAFE and a helpful lady in Admissions says she'll sign him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The young lady says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a whipper snipper?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the young lady says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "Yes, I have a family." "I'm not done yet." she says. "Because you have a family, then logically you would have a wife and because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual." says Jim. "That's amazing. You were able to find out all that because I have a whipper snipper!" Excited to take the class now, Jim thanks the young lady at Admissions and leaves to meet Bob at the pub. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic. "Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?" Jim says, "Well Bob, I'll give you an example. Do you have a whipper snipper?" "No." "Then you're a poofter."
red750 Posted June 1, 2018 Author Posted June 1, 2018 Jennifer, a manager at a local Aldi store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of? 'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of. ''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed. 'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of' Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said. Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA. ''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response. 'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I had a rotten pain in the guts, so I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I shit meself!! 'Wally is now working at an Aldi near you”
red750 Posted June 2, 2018 Author Posted June 2, 2018 SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
red750 Posted June 2, 2018 Author Posted June 2, 2018 DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
red750 Posted June 2, 2018 Author Posted June 2, 2018 DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
red750 Posted June 2, 2018 Author Posted June 2, 2018 BECOMING A SENIOR Barb was lying in bed one night. Larry was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me... " Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck..." Angrily, Larry threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" Barb asked. "To get my teeth!"
red750 Posted June 3, 2018 Author Posted June 3, 2018 Out of the mouths of 3rd graders Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
red750 Posted June 6, 2018 Author Posted June 6, 2018 Amazing fact The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And; 6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF. The amazing fact is the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a sh!t load of people in Canberra playing marbles.
Phil Perry Posted June 7, 2018 Posted June 7, 2018 Old Armenian proverb : Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
facthunter Posted June 8, 2018 Posted June 8, 2018 Left out Short. and man who goes to Hell is warm forever.
Phil Perry Posted June 8, 2018 Posted June 8, 2018 A captain was inspecting his ship when he found a woman hiding in a lifeboat. She pleaded with him not to arrest her because a sailor had sneaked her aboard. "I met him at Southampton docks," she says. "I was feeling depressed and about to throw myself into the sea, but he offered to take me to Australia. He said that it would be a long voyage and there would be lots of stops, but as long as I stayed out of sight he would bring me food. In return, I've been giving him sex. So he's just been screwing me." "He certainly has," said the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry."
Phil Perry Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 I cannot believe how things are breaking down in this damn country . . . I saw my neighbour slumped over the lawn mower crying his eyes out, He said he’d just been through a rough patch.. . .
red750 Posted June 12, 2018 Author Posted June 12, 2018 A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
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