Quickies part 2

[Phil Perry]

Sie haben diese Bilder offenbar aus dem Forum für alberne Schilder gestohlen, in dem Sie Diebe verarschen

 

Schande über euch alle. . .

 

 

[old man emu]

You have apparently stolen these pictures from the forum for silly shields where you are kidding thieves Shame on you all. , ,

 

Phil's been into the Rhinegold again

 

[ATTACH]50117._xfImport[/ATTACH]

 

[pmccarthy]

A rich wine-sipping potentate

 

A poet at some earlier date

 

Was recently heard loud to cry

 

I'll eat my ruby hat if I

 

Taste equal to Yalumba dry.

 

 

[red750]

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?"

 

Paddy replies "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

 

 

[red750]

A couple laying in bed. She says to him, "I should tell you, I used to be Christian."

 

He replies, "That's OK babe, I don't mind."

 

She says, "That's good, I prefer being Christine."

 

 

[old man emu]

Keep up with the rest of us, Red. That was the caption of a cartoon pasted a few weeks ago.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

In the UK News : Politicians lining up to be the New Prime Minister are all confessing to having used drugs in the past. . .

 

One Candidate just met a Chinese drug addict.

 

The Chinese guy said "Have you seen my cocaine?".

 

The candidate replied "Not since he starred in Zulu".

 

 

[old man emu]

[Phil Perry]

I once applied for a job as a human cannonball. . .

 

The ringmaster said that it wasn't sensibly the sort of job for a man of my calibre. . .

 

 

[Cosmick]

You didn't get the Job cause they didn't think you'd fit in.

 

 

[red750]

So you got fired?

 

 

[old man emu]

What qualifications did you have? Been through a shotgun wedding?

 

 

[pmccarthy]

So what has your career trajectory been since then?

 

 

[facthunter]

I know the real reason. You aren't human. They just didn't tell you, out of pity.. or risk of having to unfairly fire you, later. Nev

 

 

[pmccarthy]

I would have gone ballistic.

 

 

[ClintonB]

A customer asked me “what is different between a battery and a woman” today. I told him I didn’t know.

 

Turns out batteries have a positive side.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

I’ve just heard that vandals have stolen the F from the Funfair sign in our town.

 

Now that is just unfair.

 

 

[red750]

An elderly Killara couple are devastated when their parrot dies. So distraught is Mrs Johnson that her husband decides to get her a new one, even more impressive than the last. After a fruitless search of big pet shops, Mr Johnson spots a sign in an old shop window down Haymarket way: “Talking bird, square eggs.” Rushing in, he goes up to the parrots’ cage and peers in. There, lying scattered around the cage are a number of square eggs, each of them perfect white cubes. Shocking! Surely Mrs Johnson will be impressed with this. “I must have that bird, I will pay any price!” he cries, pulling a fistful of cash from his pocket. “All right, but it won’t be cheap, birds like these are hard to come by,” the owner says. “No matter, I must have it!” says Mr Johnson, placing his money on the counter. Nodding, the shopkeeper hands over the cage and Mr Johnson walks towards the door before remembering. “Wait, the sign said it could talk. I haven’t heard it say anything yet?” “Well,” the shopkeeper says sheepishly, “it only says two words, and only when it lays an egg.” “And what are those two words?”

 

“JEEEEEEEEESUS CHRISSSSST!”

 

 

[Phil Perry]

I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’

 

He said: ‘How flexible are you?’

 

I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

A friend of mine came to me in tears, saying he’s sick and tired of his apple tree not bearing any fruit. I told him to Man up, . . and grow a pear.

 

 

[old man emu]

Q: On a long-haul commercial aircraft, what is a "spoiler alert"?

 

A: It's when the frequent flyer sitting beside you tells you how the in-flight movie ends.

 

 

[red750]

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. 'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear; 'The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing. technologies, ...and,' pausing to take another drink of beer.The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, ‘You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them.

 

Now, you arrogant little shit, what are YOU doing for the next generation?The applause was resounding… I love senior citizens.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

A genie once popped out of a lamp and slapped me in the face.

 

I said, ‘What did you do that for?’

 

He said, ‘You rubbed me up the wrong way.’

 

 

[Phil Perry]

I once refereed a game of darts between the world’s tallest blind men.

 

It was all above board.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Thought for the day. . . .

 

Bread is just raw toast.