Quickies part 2

[red750]

From a Facebook friend:

 

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[pmccarthy]

The proctologist went on holiday to look up a few of his friends.

 

 

[Marty_d]

I tried donating blood today. Never again. Too many darned stupid questions.

 

"Who's blood is it?"

 

"Where did you get it?"

 

"Why is it in a bucket?"

 

 

 

Wonder if the nice ladies down at the Red Cross have heard this one - I'm going to try it out on them next donation!

 

 

[Phil Perry]

 

Wonder if the nice ladies down at the Red Cross have heard this one - I'm going to try it out on them next donation!

 

My humour is mostly plagiarised Marty. . so help yourself

 

 

[Phil Perry]

The girlfriend dumped me over my obsession with Hollywood boxing films.

 

Not for long, though;

 

we were just going through a Rocky patch.

 

 

[Old Koreelah]

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[red750]

The Jewish Quarterback.

 

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

 

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

 

KABOOM!

 

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

 

KA-BLOOEY!

 

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

 

BULLS-EYE!

 

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

 

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.

 

And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

 

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

 

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

 

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are no longer my son!"

 

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

 

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get bashed!"

 

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Took my young Nephew to see Santa last night. . .the smell of B.O., beer, fags and stale Urine was almost overpowering.

 

Lord only knows what Santa thought. . .

 

 

[red750]

A turtle was walking down the street in New York when he was attacked by a gang of snails.

 

The investigating cop said, "What happened?"

 

The turtle replied, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

 

 

[Phil Perry]

London Transport.

 

Did you know that :

 

From Baker St, . . you take a Barking train to get to the Isle of Dogs ?

 

Tru Dat.

 

 

[old man emu]

Yeah, that avoids the bottleneck at Hounslow

 

 

[onetrack]

I'm guessing the Isle of Dogs, is a destination the cats catching the train, don't stop at?

 

 

[David2ayo]

Not so sure, the first railway station is Canary Wharf, and we all know how cats like canaries.

 

 

[old man emu]

Bloody corruption! These days even the rulers aren't straight.

 

 

[old man emu]

In answer to the question in an Australian Literature exam, one student answered, "What are the original six jokes?" with, "Our State Parliaments."

 

 

[Phil Perry]

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[Phil Perry]

A man learns carpentry in prison and starts doing odd jobs for the prison staff. All goes well until the Governor asks the prisoner to fit a new kitchen counter – the prisoner refuses.

 

‘Why won’t you fit a new counter?’ asks the Governor.

 

The prisoner replies, ‘It was counter fitting that got me in here in the first place.’

 

 

[red750]

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

 

 

[red750]

The wife's been hinting she wants something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots.

 

 

[red750]

Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup.

 

 

[red750]

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked  the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

 

 

[red750]

My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me.

 

 

[Marty_d]

My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me.

 

She will be, if she finds out about the 32yo you've been sending your ironing to.

 

 

[facthunter]

Well you've gotta let off steam somehow. Nev

 

 

[nomadpete]

It's a steamy affair