red750 Posted November 26, 2019 Author Share Posted November 26, 2019 From a Facebook friend: [ATTACH]50451._xfImport[/ATTACH] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pmccarthy Posted November 26, 2019 Share Posted November 26, 2019 The proctologist went on holiday to look up a few of his friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted November 27, 2019 Share Posted November 27, 2019 I tried donating blood today. Never again. Too many darned stupid questions. "Who's blood is it?" "Where did you get it?" "Why is it in a bucket?" Wonder if the nice ladies down at the Red Cross have heard this one - I'm going to try it out on them next donation! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 Wonder if the nice ladies down at the Red Cross have heard this one - I'm going to try it out on them next donation! My humour is mostly plagiarised Marty. . so help yourself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 The girlfriend dumped me over my obsession with Hollywood boxing films. Not for long, though; we were just going through a Rocky patch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Koreelah Posted December 1, 2019 Share Posted December 1, 2019 [ATTACH]50457._xfImport[/ATTACH] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted December 1, 2019 Author Share Posted December 1, 2019 The Jewish Quarterback. The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are no longer my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get bashed!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted December 4, 2019 Share Posted December 4, 2019 Took my young Nephew to see Santa last night. . .the smell of B.O., beer, fags and stale Urine was almost overpowering. Lord only knows what Santa thought. . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted December 5, 2019 Author Share Posted December 5, 2019 A turtle was walking down the street in New York when he was attacked by a gang of snails. The investigating cop said, "What happened?" The turtle replied, "I don't know, it all happened so fast." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted December 6, 2019 Share Posted December 6, 2019 London Transport. Did you know that : From Baker St, . . you take a Barking train to get to the Isle of Dogs ? Tru Dat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted December 6, 2019 Share Posted December 6, 2019 Yeah, that avoids the bottleneck at Hounslow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onetrack Posted December 7, 2019 Share Posted December 7, 2019 I'm guessing the Isle of Dogs, is a destination the cats catching the train, don't stop at? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David2ayo Posted December 7, 2019 Share Posted December 7, 2019 Not so sure, the first railway station is Canary Wharf, and we all know how cats like canaries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted December 8, 2019 Share Posted December 8, 2019 Bloody corruption! These days even the rulers aren't straight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted December 8, 2019 Share Posted December 8, 2019 In answer to the question in an Australian Literature exam, one student answered, "What are the original six jokes?" with, "Our State Parliaments." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 [ATTACH]50486._xfImport[/ATTACH] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 A man learns carpentry in prison and starts doing odd jobs for the prison staff. All goes well until the Governor asks the prisoner to fit a new kitchen counter – the prisoner refuses. ‘Why won’t you fit a new counter?’ asks the Governor. The prisoner replies, ‘It was counter fitting that got me in here in the first place.’ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted December 26, 2019 Author Share Posted December 26, 2019 Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted December 26, 2019 Author Share Posted December 26, 2019 The wife's been hinting she wants something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted December 26, 2019 Author Share Posted December 26, 2019 Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted December 26, 2019 Author Share Posted December 26, 2019 My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted December 26, 2019 Author Share Posted December 26, 2019 My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted December 26, 2019 Share Posted December 26, 2019 My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me. She will be, if she finds out about the 32yo you've been sending your ironing to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
facthunter Posted December 27, 2019 Share Posted December 27, 2019 Well you've gotta let off steam somehow. Nev Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomadpete Posted December 27, 2019 Share Posted December 27, 2019 It's a steamy affair Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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