red750 Posted June 12, 2018 Author Posted June 12, 2018 I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
Phil Perry Posted June 15, 2018 Posted June 15, 2018 Daily Express today : A truck loaded with wigs has overturned on the M25 North of London. The police are combing the scene for evidence.
red750 Posted June 15, 2018 Author Posted June 15, 2018 Ponder these imponderables. 1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? > 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? > 3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? > 4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? > 5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? > 6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? > 7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? > 8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? > 9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? > 10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? > 11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? > 12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? > 13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? > 14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks? > 15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post? > 16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. > 17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning > 18. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: > 19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? > 20. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it? > 21. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
hihosland Posted June 20, 2018 Posted June 20, 2018 There was an Irish actor who did Shakespearean plays, but he had aged and could no longer remember his lines. After many years, he finds himself in the Globe Theatre in London, where they were prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says "This is a most important part, but luckily it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The Irish actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger, as directed, he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You fool!" he cried "You have ruined me!" The Irish actor was bewildered "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the bloody rose!" ►
red750 Posted June 21, 2018 Author Posted June 21, 2018 One for the golfers. Roger and Charlie emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first, but Roger looked distracted. "Anything the matter mate?" asked Charlie. "Oh, it's just that I can't stand the club pro," Roger replied. "He's just been trying to correct my stance." "He's only trying to improve your game," Charlie soothed. "Yeah, but I was standing at the urinal at the time."
kgwilson Posted June 23, 2018 Posted June 23, 2018 Vacancy at the FBI The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .... Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man or this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to kill him with the chair!'
Marty_d Posted June 23, 2018 Posted June 23, 2018 You're on fire today, Nev. Tickled my funnybone a couple of times.
David2ayo Posted June 25, 2018 Posted June 25, 2018 I can never understand why people get frightened trying to spell long words. All you have to do, is split the word up into short sections. For example, "physio - the - rapist". Easy!
Phil Perry Posted June 25, 2018 Posted June 25, 2018 How about breaking apart this word David ?. . .The longest word ever recorded in the UK Parliament, spoken By Jacob Rees-Mogg MP, was : floccinaucinihilipilification . ?
old man emu Posted June 25, 2018 Posted June 25, 2018 I'm estimating that syllabifying that word is a worthless task.
hihosland Posted June 26, 2018 Posted June 26, 2018 After he had examined the elderly gent, the Doctor said to him: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?" "In fact, I do," said the elderly chap, "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually very hot and sweaty." “I see,” responded the Doctor, “I’d like to examine your wife before I can make any comment on that peculiar condition.” Later, after examining his elderly wife, the Doctor said to her: "Everything appears to be fine and you seem in particularly good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you’d like to discuss with me?" She replied that she had no questions or concerns. The Doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old fart," she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in December."
Phil Perry Posted June 27, 2018 Posted June 27, 2018 I ordered some German food on the internet. The sauerkraut arrived yesterday . . . . . . . but the wurst is yet to come.
Phil Perry Posted June 28, 2018 Posted June 28, 2018 CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza? GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza. CALLER: I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? You know me? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: OK! That’s what I want … GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? CALLER: What? I detest vegetable!. GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir. CALLER: How the hell do you know?! GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago. CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement. CALLER: I paid in cash. GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. CALLER: I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law. CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?!!! GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you. CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facefook, Twatter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me. GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.. . . It expired 6 weeks ago…
Phil Perry Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 The Biggest problem with political jokes in the UK, . . . is that they often get elected prime minister. . . . . .
Phil Perry Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 Thank goodness its the weekend. I had to take my son to the doctors the other day. Every time he coughed, he put his right hand in the air and said “Seig Heil”! The doctor reckons it’s nothing to worry about,. . . . just a nazi cough.
Phil Perry Posted June 29, 2018 Posted June 29, 2018 A woman and her 9-year-old son were riding in a taxi near Soho . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geezus lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the boy asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
old man emu Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 It is not only Google who is collecting this information. I'm reading a book entitled "The Aisles have Ears"
facthunter Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 The Church has a lot to answer for. Aisle Altar Hymn. Every brides aim.
red750 Posted June 30, 2018 Author Posted June 30, 2018 After retiring, a former Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. With a strong breeze blowing it made his tie flap. He picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Dead Silence . The rest of the year went smoothly.
Phil Perry Posted June 30, 2018 Posted June 30, 2018 DIY is enjoying a boom,. . . . . . . The popularity of woodwork is sawing
Phil Perry Posted July 1, 2018 Posted July 1, 2018 TWO ELDERLY COUPLES WERE ENJOYING FRIENDLY CONVERSATION WHEN ONE OF THE MEN ASKED THE OTHER, "FRED, HOW WAS THE MEMORY CLINIC YOU WENT TO LAST MONTH?" "OUTSTANDING," FRED REPLIED. "THEY TAUGHT US ALL THE LATEST PSYCHOLOGICAL TECHNIQUES - VISUALIZATION, ASSOCIATION - IT'S MADE A HUGE DIFFERENCE FOR ME." "THAT'S GREAT! WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT CLINIC?" FRED WENT BLANK. HE THOUGHT AND THOUGHT BUT COULDN'T REMEMBER. THEN A SMILE BROKE ACROSS HIS FACE AND HE ASKED, "WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT FLOWER WITH THE LONG STEM AND THORNS?" "YOU MEAN A ROSE?" "YES, THAT'S IT!" HE TURNED TO HIS WIFE.................... "HEY, ROSE, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT CLINIC WE WENT TO ?"
old man emu Posted July 2, 2018 Posted July 2, 2018 A titter ran through the crowd. Nev What's an adolescent female's running got to do with Fred's short term memory loss?
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