Quickies part 2

[Phil Perry]

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar, and says to the barman, ‘I want you to call me David Hoff.’

 

‘Sure,’ says the barman.

 

‘No hassle.’

[old man emu]

Compared to us, The Hoff is a close neighbour of Phil's. The Hoff bought a house in Broadway, near Evesham. That's only 75 km from Cannock as the raven flies.

[ClintonB]

All of the TP situation has brought back childhood memories for me. When we were kids a chap called Col Elliott was like the wiggles for us, we would listen to his cassettes on road trips in the old falcon 500.

one of my favorites and was (as close as I can remember)

An Aussie is on holidays in Indonesia and needs the toilet badly, he runs in and drops his strides and dumps a load, then starts looking for toilet paper.

He panics when he cant see any, but spots a small sign above a slot in the wall. It reads: We do not believe in cutting trees down and wasting paper, so wipe your rear with your hand, then kindly place your hands through this slot, where they will be licked clean by human lips.

He was hesitant but had to do something. so here goes nothing, he wiped, placed his hands in the slot.

Bamm!, somebody on the others side hit his fingers with a hammer`. His hands were promptly withdrawn and stuck straight in his mouth. Job Done.

 

Col did this one really well, 35 years later it still makes me chuckle. I am also go and dig through my Dad's stuff and find the tapes. hoping I still have a tape player that works.

[old man emu]

If a woman makes a statement, and a man agrees with what she has said, is he still wrong?

[Phil Perry]

Compared to us, The Hoff is a close neighbour of Phil's. The Hoff bought a house in Broadway, near Evesham. That's only 75 km from Cannock as the raven flies.

 

we don't think in Kilometre 'ere in the UK Blue. .. These french Froggie measurements, well, they don't make no sense to us like. .. Can't imagine why A huge COUNTRY LIKE AUSTRALIA WOULD WANT TO USE A TINY MEASUREMENT LIKE A METRE , and it's offshoots, to measure a country so big. . . 'Why not use Nautical Miles, since this measurement is the ONLY one which is logical, as it is based upon Earth Physics ? Rather than being based upon a piece of metal in France which is utterly erroneous in terms of natural physics? ? ?. . .

 

Someone really Fecked up there it is evident. ..

[pmccarthy]

C'mon, you know we measure things here in light years. Midnight Oil....mountains of Burma, light years away.

[old man emu]

The metre is the length of the path travelled by light in vacuum during a time interval of 1/299 792 458 of a second. An approximate realisation of the metre can be implemented in air, for example, using the formulation of the metre as 1579800.762042(33) wavelengths of helium–neon laser light in vacuum, and converting the wavelengths in a vacuum to wavelengths in air.

 

In 1889 the first General Conference on Weights and Measures (CGPM: Conférence Générale des Poids et Mesures), the International Bureau of Weights and Measures established the International Prototype Metre as the distance between two lines on a standard bar composed of an alloy of 90% platinum and 10% iridium, measured at the melting point of ice.

 

Given that there are always errors inherent in any method of measuring one thing against another, it stands that the metre is something than cannot be measured precisdely.

 

As the original Egg Head, Humpty Dumpty, said, ""When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less."

[red750]

I eat my peas with honey,

I've done it all my life,

It makes the peas taste funny,

but it keeps them on my knife.

[octave]

Rather than being based upon a piece of metal in France which is utterly erroneous in terms of natural physics? ? ?. . .

 

The metric system was designed to have properties that make it easy to use and widely applicable, including units based on the natural world, decimal ratios, prefixes for multiples and sub-multiples, and a structure of base and derived units. It is also a coherent system, which means that its units do not introduce conversion factors not already present in equations relating quantities. It has a property called rationalisation that eliminates certain constants of proportionality in equations of physics.

 

Metric system - Wikipedia

 

 

 

Metric is the language of science. Metric is more based on "natural physics" than imperial. One litre of water forms a cube that is 10cm x 10cm X 10cm or 1000 cubic centimetres, this is pretty easy to remember. it is a 1000th of a cubic metre. I also know that it weighs 1 kg. If I want to freeze my cubic decimetre of water I must reduce it's temperature to 0 degrees celsius or perhaps I would like to make a good hot cup of tea therefore I must get the water up to boiling point which I know to be 100 degrees celsius (at sea level)

 

We are in the process of renovating our house. The latest job is doing some intricate bathroom tiling which requires accurate cutting. I do the cutting my wife does the measuring and actual tiling. She will call thought the bathroom window 139mm, this is quite easy to measure and cut and should, as is sometimes the case, it is a little off there is no problem taking off another millimetre or 2. Have to divide wall into 4 equal parts just divide the mm by 4, a little easier than dividing 8 feet 4 5/16th of an inch.

 

Metric IS the language of science. NASA has used metric since 1990 but until recently converted measurements into imperial for the general public whom it thought would not cope.

 

Whilst in the United states the general public use imperial, the scientific community use metric.

 

I have no idea how many ounces are in a pound or pounds in a stone or pounds/stone in a ton.

[spacesailor]

" The metric system was designed to have properties that make it easy to use "

What B S

I and a few others I know,

 

 

 

can't even read a mtric tape measure.

One hundred in the red scale plus 80 in the black scale, then the bits of after the 80,

 

2.2 lb in a kilo,

 

but what is "point 2" of 16 oz. I have googled it with zero results.

Put a person on a desert isle and they Will revert back to the OLD measurements,

spacesailor

[nomadpete]

We all love our toys, Space.

[pmccarthy]

I used to know what a Poundal was.

[nomadpete]

Can't help you with that but I do remember what a quarter pounder looked like. I used to eat them. And my dad used to have a picture of a 25 pounder.

 

Somehow a quarter pounder sounds bigger than 113.3981grammer!!!!

 

And a 11339.81grammer gun couldn't have the same threatening impact as a 25 pounder!

 

Why is that?

[Jerry_Atrick]

I dunno.. 11,000+ of something hitting me sounds worse than 25..

 

How about 11.3KG, then... ?

[old man emu]

Here's what you need to know your bee's dick from your bee space.

 

http://alltootechnical.weebly.com/uploads/4/0/7/5/4075543/dict_units.pdf

[nomadpete]

Thanks for the link OME.

 

However, although that volume lists a 'bee space', it fails to report the international standard for a beesdik.

 

Besides, being a Merikan publication, I wouldn't trust it anyway. If they did measure one, they'd probably only use poofteenths, which never were metricated.

[Phil Perry]

I’ve got some racing geese for sale if anyone fancies a quick gander . . . .

[Phil Perry]

My landlord says he needs to come and talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

 

I told him, “My door is always open.”

[Phil Perry]

[red750]

A chap goes to the doctor and says, "I'm not getting any pleasure from sex any more."

The doctor asks, "How old are you?"

The chap says "Eighty one."

"Eighty one," says the doctor. "And how old is your wife?"

"Seventy nine."

"Eighty one and seventy nine," exclaims the doctor. "When did you first realise this?"

The old chap says, "Twice last night and again this morning."

 

 

Ronnie Barker - Porridge.

[red750]

Ran out of toilet rolls, so have been reduced to replacing them with lettuce leaves. I really feel that is just the tip of the iceberg.

[red750]

Up at Coles the other night, I asked the manager if he had any toilet paper. “NO!” he yelled at me, in front of the whole check-out queue. They all kept staring at me. I am telling you, that walk back down Aisle 5 to the loos, with my pants around my ankles, was the most humiliating walk of my life.

[old man emu]

First we lost the wheat and sheep through drought.

Then we lost homes and communities through bushfire.

After that, we got flooded out with stormwater.

Now they are going to take away our Daylight Savings on the 5th April.

[onetrack]

If you didn't put your Daylight Savings in a safe - of course, someone is just going to take them!!

[spacesailor]

The trick is to buy

TWO

clocks

cars

and every thing with a time piece, that way you don't end up needlessly altering clocks !.

spacesailor