Quickies part 2

[kgwilson]

Our stocks crashed, we get <1.0% on any fixed deposits, and our Superannuation is stuffed. Fires and floods. And now a virus pandemic.

The down turn is hitting everybody really hard!

Things couldn’t be much worse judging by this:

In NY I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

Exxon-Mobil lays off 25 US Congressmen.

If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her.

A truckload of Germans was caught sneaking into Syria.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.

I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[willedoo]

MORE BAD NEWS FROM CHINA

 

执 㝧 执 瑩 浻 牡 楧 㩮 㔱 硰执 㝧 执 獧 浻 牡 楧 敬瑦瀰絸 朣 杢 㑳 执 獧扻 捡杫潲湵潣 潬 㩲 昣 昸昸 㬸 慢正牧畯 摮椭慭 敧敷止瑩札慲楤 湥 楬 敮 牡氬晥 ⁴ 潴敬瑦戠瑯潴 牦 浯 㡦㡦㡦 潴捥捥捥戻 捡杫潲湵 浩条 㩥 眭 扥 楫楬 敮 牡札慲楤 湥 潴昣 昸昸 攣散散戻 捡杫潲湵 浩条 㩥 洭穯氭湩 慥牧摡 敩瑮琨灯 㡦㡦㡦 捥捥捥 㬩 慢正牧畯 摮椭慭 敧 獭氭湩 慥牧摡 敩 瑮琨灯 㡦㡦㡦 捥捥捥 㬩 慢正牧畯 摮椭慭 敧楬 敮 牡札慲楤 湥 潴昣 昸昸 攣散散戻 捡杫潲湵 浩 u 条 㩥 楬 敮 牡札慲楤 湥 潴昣 昸昸 攣散散 汩 整 㩲 牰 杯摩 䐺䥘 慭 敧 牔 湡 晳牯 楍 牣獯景牧摡 敩 瑮猨慴瑲 潃 潬卲牴昣 昸昸 䔬 摮潃 潬卲牴攣散散 㬩 潢 摲牥硰猠 汯摩 ⌠ 㙣㙣㙣 搻 獩汰 祡戺 潬正潭潢 摲牥 爭摡畩㩳瀲 㭸 漭 戭 牯 敤 慲楤獵㈺ 硰 敷止瑩 戭 牯 敤 慲楤獵㈺ 硰 戻牯 敤 慲楤獵㈺ 硰执 獧搴摻獩汰 祡戺 潬正 瀻 獯瑩 潩 㩮敲慬楴 敶执 獧搴筮楤 灳 慬 㩹 湩 楬 敮戭 潬正漻 敶晲 潬 朣 楢琴 执 㝧 执 瑩 浻 牡 楧 㩮 㔱 硰执 㝧执 獧 浻 牡 楧 敬瑦瀰絸 朣 杢 㑳 执 獧扻 捡杫潲湵潣 潬 㩲 昣 昸昸 㬸 慢正牧畯 摮椭慭 敧敷止瑩札慲楤 湥 楬 敮 牡氬晥 ⁴ 潴敬瑦戠瑯潴 牦 浯 㡦㡦㡦潴捥捥捥戻 捡杫潲湵 浩条 㩥 眭 扥 楫楬 敮 牡札慲楤 湥 潴昣 昸昸 攣散散戻 捡杫潲湵 浩条 㩥 洭穯氭湩 慥牧摡 敩 瑮琨灯 㡦㡦㡦 捥捥捥 㬩 慢正牧畯摮椭慭 敧 獭氭湩 慥牧摡 敩 瑮琨灯 㡦㡦㡦 捥捥捥 㬩 慢正牧畯 摮椭慭 敧楬 敮 牡札慲楤 湥 潴昣 昸昸 攣散散戻 捡杫潲湵 浩 u 条 㩥 楬 敮 牡札慲楤湥 潴昣 昸昸 攣散散 汩 整 㩲 牰 杯摩 䐺䥘 慭 敧 牔 湡 晳牯 楍 牣獯景牧摡 敩 瑮猨慴瑲 潃 潬卲牴昣 昸昸 䔬 摮潃 潬卲牴攣散散 㬩 潢 摲牥硰猠 汯摩 ⌠ 㙣㙣㙣 搻 獩汰 祡戺 潬正潭潢 摲牥 爭摡畩㩳瀲 㭸 漭 戭 牯 敤 慲楤獵㈺ 硰 敷止瑩 戭 牯 敤 慲楤獵㈺ 硰 戻牯 敤 慲楤獵㈺ 硰执 獧搴

 

 

If I hear anything else, I’ll let you know.

[old man emu]

杢

I think that refers to Balance of Trade payments.

楍

That's "We've kept our Tripple A rating."

汩

That's an empty fridge alarm

浩

That's "stay tuned to your TV."

[red750]

Mrs Ravioli went to stay with her son Tony. That evening, Tony introduced his housemate, Maria.

 

Mrs Ravioli couldn't help notice how attractive Maria was, and as the evening progressed she could see the chemistry between Tony and Maria. Tony could see what she was thinking and said "No Ma, I know what you are thinking. Maria and I are just housemates."

 

A few days later, Mrs Ravioli went home. A week later, Maria said to Tony, "I don't want to alarm you, but ever since your mother went home, our silver sugar bowl has been missing."

 

Tony rang his mother and said, "I'm not saying you did and I'm not saying you didn't do it, but Maria says our sugar bowl has been missing since you left."

 

There was silence for a few minutes, then Mrs Ravioli said, "I'm not saying you are sleeping together, and I'm not saying you are not, but if Maria slept in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl a week ago."

[old man emu]

Mothers always know!

[nomadpete]

That's because, as everyone knows, mother's have eyes in the back of their heads.

 

Which probably explains why my mum always had a bad hair do.

[old man emu]

That's because, as everyone knows, mother's have eyes in the back of their heads. Which probably explains why my mum always had a bad hair do.

 

Or bushy eyebrows.

[old man emu]

Georgie Progie, puddin' and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

>

>

>

>

Now he's doing 14 day's solitary for breaking social distancing rules.

[pmccarthy]

And then he will be up for sexual harassment.

[red750]

I went to the pub last night and saw an obese chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs."

She giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

 

Honestly, when you are over sixty, who really gives a shit?

[Phil Perry]

Joe was walking home late at night, through the park, and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars," she whispers.

He's never been with a hooker before, so he figures, "What the hell, it's only twenty bucks..."

 

So they hide in the bushes and are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Joe answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry" says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Joe says, "I didn't know either until you flashed that damn light in her face."

[onetrack]

A mate said to me yesterday ....

 

"Before this virus crisis, I used to cough, to cover up my farts! Now I fart, to cover up my coughing!!"

[onetrack]

Latest News Flash from Afghanistan .....

 

Obeying his Leaders COVID-19 protection instructions, a Taliban suicide bomber worked only from home yesterday - and blew himself and 38 family members up.

[onetrack]

A man goes to the doctor, and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

 

The doctor examines him, leaves the room, and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

 

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water, when you get up."

 

"Take the blue pill with a big glass of water, right after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill, with another big glass of water."

 

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammers, "Jeez doc, what's my problem, exactly?"

 

The Doc says, "You're not drinking enough water."

[onetrack]

Coronavirus is the best thing that could happen to a bloke!

 

The wife doesn't want to travel.

She doesn’t want to buy anything, because everything comes from China.

She doesn't want to go to the shopping centre for fear of being infected.

She spends all day and night with her mouth covered.

 

This is not a calamity! - it's a blessing!

[red750]

There were five passengers on a plane that was about to crash, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Pope Francis, Angela Merkel and a 10 year old schoolboy. Unfortunately there were only four parachutes on board. Donald Trump said. "I am the worlds smartest man. I must be saved to make America great again." He grabs a chute and jumps. Boris Johnson said,"I am needed to sort out Britain." He grabs a chute and jumps. Pope Francis said, "I must be saved, the world needs the Catholic Church." He too grabs a chute and jumps. Angela Merkel says to the schoolboy, "I've lived my life, you are just starting yours. You take the last parachute." The schoolboy said, "Don't worry, There are two parachutes left. The worlds smartest man took my schoolbag."

[onetrack]

It's a little-known fact that my Grandfather was personally responsible for downing no less than 35 Luftwaffe aircraft during WW2. That's correct, he was the most incompetent LAME on the Luftwaffes payroll.

[onetrack]

In News just to hand ....

 

Xerox and Wurlitzer have announced plans to merge. The newly-merged company will produce reproductive organs.

[red750]

Proud of myself. I just finished a Thomas the Tank Engine jig saw. The box said 3 to 5 years and I did it in three weeks.

[old man emu]

I was doing a crossword and got stuck on this clue: Chinese frying object (3)

 

First letter "b"

[kgwilson]

I was doing a crossword and got stuck on this clue: Chinese frying object (3)

 

First letter "b"

And they taste like chicken.

[red750]

Someone asked a retiree if he had a job.

 

"I am my wife's sexual adviser"

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"She said, 'When I want your f...ing advice, I'll ask for it."

[red750]

A couple of women's jokes about men :

 

[onetrack]

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients, and make your own meal. I have no idea how this place is still in business.

 

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

 

Holiday Dilemma: Still haven't decided yet, where to go for Easter? - the Lounge Room, or the Bedroom?

 

Going Out: I'm getting excited about going out - it's time to take out the rubbish bins. What should I wear?

[Jerry_Atrick]

<snip>

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

 

 

That cracked me up...

 

<snip>

Going Out: I'm getting excited about going out - it's time to take out the rubbish bins. What should I wear?

 

 

It's funny because it's true: Australians Who Leave House Only To Take Out Trash Have Started Dressing In Costumes For The Occasion

 

(now you know where I get most of my silly picture material)