Quickies part 2

[nomadpete]

My wife said "You weren't listening, were you!"

 

 

I thought to myself, 'Thats an odd way to start a conversation!'

[red750]

· I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Daylight Saving Time to the Twilight Zone

[red750]

Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under

[red750]

Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up

his barbeque on the shore of Arthurs Lake and

cook a venison steak.

 

All of Ole's neighbours were Catholic and

since it was Lent, they were forbidden from

eating meat on a Friday.

 

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison

steaks wafted over the neighbourhood and

was causing such a problem for the Catholic

faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

 

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested

that he become a Catholic.

 

After several classes and much study, Ole

attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled

holy water over him, he said, "You were born

a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran but now you

are a Catholic."

 

Ole's neighbours were relieved, until Friday

night arrived and the wonderful aroma of

grilled venison filled the neighbourhood.

 

The Priest was called immediately by the

neighbours and he rushed over to Ole's place

clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,

he stopped and watched in amazement.

 

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy

water which he carefully sprinkled over the

grilling meat and chanted:

 

"You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer,

but now you is a rainbow trout."

[old man emu]

That Holy Water is amazing stuff!

 

I wonder if it is better than Mouse Milk for getting broken, rusty studs out of cylinder blocks?

http://www.asapspares.com.au/pdf/185-mousemilk.pdf

[Phil Perry]

Just seen Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. . . .

 

I said to him ‘you must love this time of year Arnie?’

 

He said. . . . ‘Have to love Easter, baby’. . . .

[Jerry_Atrick]

That Holy Water is amazing stuff!

 

I wonder if it is better than Mouse Milk for getting broken, rusty studs out of cylinder blocks?

http://www.asapspares.com.au/pdf/185-mousemilk.pdf

 

Is this where they get it from?

[ClintonB]

one of my favourite simpson's episodes. I thought of it as soon as I read mouse milk last week.

[Phil Perry]

The dog ran off last night. So there I was walking around calling his name for 20 minutes but I couldn't find him.

 

My wife said I should look harder,

 

So I shaved my head and got a tattoo.

 

But I still can’t find the dog. . .

[old man emu]

If a bloke caught COVID-19 at a brothel, would it be a sexually transmitted disease?

[red750]

An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if

she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best.

 

The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

 

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the

freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there."

 

"They don't like that in Heaven", said the Angel.

 

The woman replied: "They're not crazy about it in Aldi either!"

[Phil Perry]

The missus goes out twice a week with the driving instructor. Which I could take,.. . . .

 

except she passed her test in 1995 . . .

[red750]

This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard. First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[red750]

Claude the Hypnotist

 

It was entertainment night at the retirement village.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

 

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

 

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch”

 

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

 

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotised.

 

And then, suddenly, the chain broke. The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst into a hundred pieces on impact.

 

"Sh1t," shouted Claude.

 

It took them three days to clean up the retirement village. Claude was not invited back again.

Edited April 25, 2020 by red750

[onetrack]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

 

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

 

The daughter did that, and her hands warmed up.

 

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

 

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

 

He did that and he warmed his hands.

 

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

 

He said, "My nose is cold."

 

The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."

 

He did that and warmed his nose.

 

The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

 

The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

 

Slightly concerned, the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

 

The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"

[Old Koreelah]

[onetrack]

Obi-Two must always hope and trust, that the Force is still with him, when on patrol?

[onetrack]

[red750]

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant;

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant;

Panic is when both are pregnant!

[red750]

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

a Brunette, by the way!!

[Phil Perry]

[Marty_d]

And when she gets the munchies, she's on half a ton of steak.

[Yenn]

You would be an optimist to think she was on half a tonne of steak. That is just a skinny Friesian and would probably kill out at about 100kg. And that would be pseudo steak.

[old man emu]

Located your baggage, Sir

We're just waiting 'til t'boot cums in.

[red750]

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. And shoots his friend dead.

Wife says "If you continue to behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"