Quickies part 2

[Jerry_Atrick]

A Federal Agentand his dog are boarding the plane. A flight attendant says (in a rather sultry southern drawl), "Sir, you cannot board the plane with a dog!".

 

"Oh, miss", he replies.. "It's OK. I am a federal agent".. as he shows her his badge. "He is a K9 officer.. ". She pauses and motions her head to their seats.

 

Once the plane in airborne and enroute, the dog unbuckles himslef and walks up the aisle. After a few steats, he retreats to his seat, buckles himself up and taps the agent on the arm..

 

The flight attendant was watching this and, curiosity getting the better of her, walks up to the agent and ask what is going on.,

 

"Oh, miss.." he replies,... "The gentleman in seat 4C is carrying marrijuana."

 

"Oh my!.. What should we do" the flight attendant retorts.

 

"Don't worry.. I will sort it out when we land" responds the agent.

 

After a short while, the dog unbuckles his seatbelt and walks up the aisle.. He returns. buckles himself up and taps the agent on the shoulder...

 

The flight attend asks what has happened. The agent replies that the man in seat 25A is carrying cocaine, but not to worry as the fed will sort it out when the plane lands.

 

The flight attendant nods...

 

After a while, the dog unbuckles himslef and walks up the aisle (no.. not in a wedding dress)... He stops and sniffs a passenger ansscampers back; sits on the lap of the agent and does a huge, smelly dump..

 

The floght attendant races over and grumpi;y asks "What is going on.. why do you allow the dog to do a dump in the plane".

 

The agent replies: "the man sitting in 34d HAS A BOMB!"

 

(I thought it was funny.. you had to be there, I guess)..

 

[Jerry_Atrick]

The new recruits from the 3rd paratroop regiment were back at the bar regailing their stories of their first jump... One of them described how, despite the static line training, he was pretty scared when the plane took off and as it climbed, he became more and more frightened. With his chute on, he couldn't bring himself to get out of the plane and talked himself into nbeing the last to jump. He recalled how he paused after the penultimate in line jumped and the regument seargent screamed into his ears, "If you don't jump now, I will F! you up the kaiber pass!!"

 

His mate said, "So.. did you jump"..

 

He responded... "Er.. a little at first..."

[Jerry_Atrick]

OK fellas... Another... (Ian - fell free to bar me from the site)...

 

A couple of old ladies in a care centre are talking... The first one turns to the second one and asks, "Do you still get horny?".

 

The second one replies, "Why, yes.. I do.. sometimes instatiably so..."

 

The first one was a little surprised, composed herself and asked "So, when you do.. what do you do?"

 

The second responded, "I suck on a lifesaver..."

 

After about 30 seconds, the first one looked into the second one's eyes and asked.. "Who drives you to the beach?"

[red750]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

 

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

 
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people  she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

 

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

 

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

 

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

 

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him  that day.

 
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the  woman said. "How have you been?"

 
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young  nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world.

 
We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.  What a bummer! How do I get in?"

 
"You only have to spell a word," the woman told him.

 
"Which word?" her husband asked.

-

- 
 -
- wait for it -

 -
 -
-

 

"Czechoslovakia."

[old man emu]

Next year, will we look back on the COVID-16 pandemic with 20/21 hindsight?

[old man emu]

There is no form of Intelligent Life beyond Earth.

 

If there was, why would aliens keep landing in the USA?

[red750]

Beechcraft have come up with a cure for coronavirus. They have given it a part number. Now no-one can get it.

[red750]

5 Questions.

 

1. At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours?
2. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
3. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
4.  Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made ?
5. Why is what doctors do called "practicing"? Aren't they supposed to already know what they are doing?

[red750]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.  I know you're about my age.  How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!?  Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

A senior citizen

said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'

'Do I know her?

'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!' 

Three old guys

are out walking. 
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' 
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' 
Third one says, 'So am I.  Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. 
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art..  It's perfect.' 
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?' 
' Twelve thirty..' 

[red750]

-Two Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.

 

Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair".

 

Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune".

 

"Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Jist lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie ixcint."'

 

‘No worries’, smiled Jeanette, ‘I'll keep my mouth shut.'

 

They go in and Trevor says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'

 

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'

 

'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Trevor. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

 

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners!'

 

 

[old man emu]

How can you tell when a container of sour cream is "off"?

[red750]

A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ...
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
a man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy , we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
Kathy replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story...
Have a great day and remember...
...THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

 

[red750]

RUBBER GLOVES:

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an older woman, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in CHICAGO with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,   Then  peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well... I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those older women! Their minds are always working!)

[red750]

As Buddha was quoted: “There are three things that cannot be easily hidden, the sun, the moon, the truth."

 

Two Truths and Five Rules of Life

SIMPLE TRUTH

1. Lovers help each other undress before sex. However, after sex, they always dress on their own. 

Moral of the story - In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

2. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "congratulations." But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job."

Moral of the story - Hard work is rarely appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULES:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors!

[red750]

When Insults Had Class…  

                                     

These glorious insults are from an era " before" the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words .

  

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:   "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir, "   said Disraeli,   "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."   

  

"He had delusions of adequacy   ."

Walter Kerr  

  

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

Winston Churchill   

  

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

Clarence Darrow  

  

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)   

  

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

Moses Hadas   

  

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Mark Twain   

  

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

Oscar Wilde  

  

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. "

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

Winston Churchill, in response   

  

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

Stephen Bishop   

  

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

John Bright   

  

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

Irvin S. Cobb   

  

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

Samuel Johnson  

  

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

Paul Keating   

  

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

Charles, Count Talleyrand   

  

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

Forrest Tucker   

  

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

Mark Twain  

  

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

Mae West   

  

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

Oscar Wilde  

  

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination. "

Andrew Lang (1844-1912)   

  

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

Billy Wilder   

  

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."

Groucho Marx

 

 

[willedoo]

THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN THESAURUS OF COMPUTER TERMS

 Log On - Make the barbie hotter
 Log Off - Don't add any more wood
 Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbie
 Download - Get the firewood off the ute
 Hard drive - trip back home without any cold tinnies
 Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
 Keyboard - where you hang the ute and bike keys
 Window - What you shut when it's cold
 Screen - What you shut in the mozzie season
 Byte - What mozzies do
 Bit - What mozzies did
 Mega Byte - What Townsville mozzies do
 Chip - A bar snack
 Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
 Modem - What you did to the lawns
 Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
 Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
 Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
 Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart
 Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
 Mainframe - What holds the shed up
 Web - What spiders make
 Web Site - The shed or under the verandah
 Cursor - The old bloke down the pub who swears a lot
 Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go
 Yahoo - what you say when the ute does go
 Upgrade - A steep hill
 Server - The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
 Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
 Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
 Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
 Online - When you get the laundry hung out
 Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up

Edited July 25, 2020 by willedoo

[Old Koreelah]

 “This is the first year I haven’t taken my vacation in the Maldives because of Covid.

All the other years it was because I was too poor.”

 

- Jill, my wife’s cousin.

[red750]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention, and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her.

She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

[red750]

The Afterlife.

 

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. 

 

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

 

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

 

WANDA: How horrible!

 

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.What about you?

 

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

 

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

 

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

 

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

[onetrack]

There was a young man who volunteered for military service during World War II.

 

He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola, skipping boot camp.

 

The very first day at Pensecola he solos, and is the best and most competent flier on the base.

 

He breezes through the course in record time, and leaves all the other student pilots far behind.

 

All they could do was give him his gold wings in a couple of weeks, and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

 

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes.

 

Then climbing up to 20,000 ft, he found 9 more Japanese planes, and shot all them down, too.

 

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier, and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.

 

He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain, who had his back turned right at that moment.

 

Saluting smartly, the young pilot said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

 

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "Glate landing! But you make just one rittle mistake!

[Marty_d]

I wondered why the ball seemed to be increasing in size.

Then it hit me.

[onetrack]

The biggest lie I tell myself is..…”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

 

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; then come out wrinkle free, and three sizes smaller!

 

Last year, I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet!

 

I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

 

I don’t need anger management; I need people to stop pissing me off!

 

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

 

Lord grant me strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

 

I don’t have white hair. I have ‘wisdom highlights’. I’m just very wise.

 

My people skills are just fine; it’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

 

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

 

The kids text me ‘plz’ which is shorter than please. I text back ‘no’ which is shorter than ‘yes’.

 

I’m going to retire and live off my savings. Not sure what I’ll do in the second week.

 

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid….but it can muffle the sound!

 

Of course I talk to myself - sometimes I need expert advice! 

 

At my age ‘Getting lucky’ means walking in to a room, and remembering what I went in there for.

 

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree.…that makes it a plant, which means.…chocolate is a guilt-free salad!

[red750]

Amen

[Old Koreelah]

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/aug/07/beer-brand-and-leather-store-unwittingly-named-after-maori-word-for-pubic-hair

[nomadpete]

Smart advertising....

Some folks already have a taste for it!