Quickies part 2

[pmccarthy]

3 hours ago, nomadpete said:

Smart advertising....

Some folks already have a taste for it!

Gets caught on your teeth.

[nomadpete]

How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

 

I use a toothpick.

[red750]

Coffee always tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream of the camp.

[Jerry_Atrick]

6 hours ago, nomadpete said:

How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

 

I use a toothpick.

An oldie but a goodie

[nomadpete]

Yeah, alright, I'm old. No need to rub it in.

[old man emu]

2 hours ago, nomadpete said:

No need to rub it in.

Oh, K-wy!

[nomadpete]

Sorry folks. I've been posting in the wrong thread.

 

This must be the GOLF  DADJOKES thread!!

 

(GOLF = Grumpy Old Farts)

[onetrack]

Reminds me of the naming of the Mitsubishi Pajero. Named after the pampas cat (leopardus pajeros), the Pajero was sold worldwide - except in Spanish-speaking countries - where it was greeted with disbelief and scorn.

"Pajero" in Spanish means "wanker or tosser" or a chronic masturbator. It was rapidly renamed the Mitsubishi Montero, for sale in those countries, where Spanish is the primary language.

[red750]

Men and Women recording things in their diaries.

 

Wife's Diary: 

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. 

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing. 
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. 
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

 

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.. 
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. 

 

I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

 

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent. 
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. 

 

 Husband's Diary:

A one-foot putt .. who the hell misses a one-foot putt?

 

 

 

 

[old man emu]

In this COVID mess, if you were beside yourself with excitement, could you get fined for breaking social distancing rules?

[red750]

I copied this from my brother's post on farcebook:

 

Believe it or don’t but this really happened. I was searching for something from Bunnings on their website when an online assistant popped up. It said “ My name is Hope. Can I help you with something today.“ I was half way through my enquiry when the online assistant went offline. I was literally without Hope.

[pmccarthy]

Did you retain Faith and Charity?

[willedoo]

Q: Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?

A: Because they would quack up!

 

[Marty_d]

27 minutes ago, willedoo said:

Q: Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?

A: Because they would quack up!

 

Which way do they normally quack?

[pmccarthy]

My ducks were escaping but I papered over the quacks.

[Jerry_Atrick]

You guys quack me up!

[old man emu]

Ducks can't use echo-location because duck quacks don't echo.

[pmccarthy]

I couldn't keep ducks because there were too many bills.

 

[old man emu]

I thought my ducks were "off the lay", until I discovered they were spending most of their time on the Web.

[red750]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

 

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

 

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

 

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

 

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

 

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

 

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife...

 

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

[red750]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

 

'Lo, 'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

 

'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

 

'That little skinny O'Connor?,' says Sean, 'How could he do that to you?  He must have had something in his hand.'

 

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible beatin' he gave me with it.'

 

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself ta same. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

 

'That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast. And a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

[red750]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

 

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

 

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

 

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

 

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

 

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

 

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that gun....'

 

[red750]

Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an old
lamp.

He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie .

This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver
one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into
Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea
turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher.

The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two
men considered their circumstances.

Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret and said, "Nice going Dickhead!

Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

 

[onetrack]

I just asked Siri, "Surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?"

Siri replied, "Yes it will be - and don't call me Shirley".

 

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

Edited August 28, 2020 by onetrack

[onetrack]

While walking down the street one day a Politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Politician around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from God. What we've decided to do is, have you spend one day in Hell, and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had, while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy, who's having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time, that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit Heaven.”

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open, and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash, and putting it in black bags, as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The Devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning...

Today, you voted..."

Edited August 28, 2020 by onetrack