Jerry_Atrick Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 7 hours ago, Marty_d said: Don't know what country he was in, but pretty sure that the missus having a lover is not illegal! Still a good joke!
red750 Posted October 12, 2020 Author Posted October 12, 2020 Why are women such good archaeologists? They are always digging up ancient history. 2
Popular Post red750 Posted October 13, 2020 Author Popular Post Posted October 13, 2020 Sanjay Thakrar, CEO at Euro Exim Bank Ltd., got economists thinking when he said: A cyclist is a disaster for a country's economy. They do not buy a car and do not take a car loan. Do not buy car-insurance. Do not buy fuel. Do not send a car for servicing and repairs. Do not use paid parking. Do not become obese. Healthy people are not needed for an economy. They do not buy drugs. They do not go to hospitals and doctors. They add nothing to a country's GDP. On the contrary, every new McDonalds outlet creates at least 30 jobs: 10 cardiologists, 10 dentists, 10 weight-loss experts - apart from people working in McDonalds outlets. Choose wisely: A bicycle or a McDonalds? Worth thinking." Walking is even worse. Those people do not even buy a bicycle. 3 1 1
red750 Posted October 13, 2020 Author Posted October 13, 2020 A Poem for some old Gits and others: I remember the blocks of cheese of my childhood and the bread that we cut with a sharp bread knife. When all the children helped with the housework, and the men went to work, not the wife. The cheese never needed a fridge and the bread was so crusty and hot. The children were seldom unhappy and the wife was content with her lot. I remember the milk from the bottle, with the yummy cream on the top. Our dinner came hot from the oven, and not from the fridge in the shop. The kids were a lot more contented, they didn't need money for kicks. Just a game with their mates outside on the road and sometimes the Saturday flicks. I remember the shop on the corner, where a pen'orth of sweets was sold. Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic? Or is it . . . I'm just getting old? I remember the 'loo' in the back yard was the ‘dunny’ and the dunny man came in the night. It wasn't the least bit funny having to go "out the back" with no light. Hung on a peg in that loo, were interesting items to view, from newspapers and the yellow pages cut into squares. It took little to keep us amused. Dirty clothes were boiled in the copper, with plenty of rich foamy suds. But the ironing seemed never ending as Mum pressed everyone's 'duds'. I remember the slap on my backside and the taste of soap if I swore. Anorexia and diets weren't heard of and we hadn't much choice what we wore. Do you think that bruised our ego? or our initiative was destroyed? We ate all that was put on the table and I think our life was better enjoyed. But a huge fact not hereto mentioned in this mushy tale of nostalgic rejoice, is the reason we all "enjoyed" our lot Was that we had NO BLOODY CHOICE!! 2 1 1
spacesailor Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 I remember our first fridge, second wedding pressie, wifey had niebours around to check it out, more open door than closed for well over a week, spacesailor 3
Marty_d Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 5 hours ago, spacesailor said: I remember our first fridge, second wedding pressie, Second present or second wedding??
onetrack Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 Up until the age of 12, I lived with no electricity (Aladdin kerosene lamps for lighting), was fed from a Metters No 2 wood stove, had an outdoor "long drop" toilet - and we were that short of money at various times, we used hessian bags as additional blankets in Winter! I don't think any of that impacted greatly on my upbringing, or overall general health. I did have asthma frequently as a child, but it cleared up at around age 19, and I have enjoyed pretty robust health, ever since. I never picked up any of the "childhood diseases", such as measles, mumps, chicken pox, etc - even though I've been surrounded by kids with those diseases. I've been in hospital just twice in my life, once in Vietnam when I picked up Gastro-enteritus from black rats in our field kitchen. The cook got reamed out big-time, over that exercise. I spent 4 days in hospital, and I can assure you, I was bloody crook. The second time I got a hospital visit was purely accident-related. I was hitting one hammer with another, to drive out a pin, and one hammer chipped, and the piece of flying steel went into my chest, bounced off a rib and stopped against the wall of my lung. The piece of steel severed an artery on the way in, but fortunately, it sealed up rapidly. The swelling was pretty painful for a while, and after the doc did the X-rays, he said it was the equivalent of major open-heart surgery to get it out, so he decided to leave it there. He reckoned the body copes O.K. with foreign bodies, it just builds up something like scar tissue around it, and it rarely moves. It look like he was right, it's been there 47 yrs, and it's never bothered me. I guess when I get my quadruple-bypass done at 98, they can take it out, then! 2
nomadpete Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 I'm really impressed! I hope you don't get too close to welders or other transformers where the magnetic field will get your metal implant buzzing! I just wish I was fit enough to hit anything as hard as you did!
pmccarthy Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 One of the safety mantras at work 50 years ago was "steel against steel", which meant don't do it!
red750 Posted October 15, 2020 Author Posted October 15, 2020 Do you set the security scanners at airports buzzing?
spacesailor Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 YOU HAD Hessian bags, Lucky you, most poms made do with news paper, grabbed from anywere. Then it went into the dunny. AND I got everything, Excluding German measles. Starting with Osteomyelitis. That was the killer !. spacesailor
nomadpete Posted October 16, 2020 Posted October 16, 2020 Newspaper is getting hard to find these days. The Mordock empire doesn't do as much for the homeless than they used to. 1 1
Yenn Posted October 16, 2020 Posted October 16, 2020 Newspaper was the Pommies insulator of choice. many is the time I travelled in the luggage rack with a load of papers. Last time was Parkes to Sydney
nomadpete Posted October 16, 2020 Posted October 16, 2020 But they don't make luggage racks like they used to. I recall when rather young, I took the Brisbane Limited Express (now there's an oxymoron) from Sydney. The train was crowded with army. I guess they were migrating north for winter. Every square inch of floor was fully utilised by snoring blokes and every luggage rack was fully occupied. I seem to recall the express was 'limited' to about 20 hours for the journey. On second thoughts, it didn't do all that badly. I figure it averaged 50 Kilometers per hour. That was as close as we got to having high speed rail back in the sixties. 1
red750 Posted October 17, 2020 Author Posted October 17, 2020 A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52! 1 2
red750 Posted October 17, 2020 Author Posted October 17, 2020 Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor." 2 1
Jerry_Atrick Posted October 17, 2020 Posted October 17, 2020 Not sure if I have already posted this... An Aussie is travelling through a rural area of NZ and sees a farmer doing something that looks unusual. He stops his car and walks towards the farmer, when he notices amongst the long grass, the farmer having sex with a sheep. "Oi! Mate!" The Aussie yells.. "What are you doing?? Back in Oz, we don't do that, we shear our sheep!".. The NZ farmer gave the Aussie a suspicous look and replied, "Ey, fella - I aint shearing my sheep with anyone!!" 1 2
Marty_d Posted October 18, 2020 Posted October 18, 2020 Reminds me of the Aussie ventriloquist who was holidaying in NZ. One day he's walking down a country lane and sees a farmer, his dog and his flock approaching. Deciding to have a little fun, he stops and asks the farmer if he can talk to his animals. "What do you mean, 'talk to the animals'"? says the farmer. "Mate," says the Aussie, "I have a gift. I can talk to animals, they understand me, and they talk back!" "Bullshut" says the Kiwi, but lets the guy go ahead. The Aussie starts with the farmer's horse. "G'day mate", he says. "How's it going?" Throwing his voice, he makes it appear that the horse is answering. "Yeah, not too bad thanks!" says the horse in a Kiwi accent. The old farmer looks like he's seen a ghost. "That's amazing!" he said. "That horse has never talked to me before!" The Aussie turns to the dog. "G'day!" he says. "How's the farmer treating you?" "Pretty good," says the dog. "Nice kennel, good food, can't complain really!" The farmer looks stunned. The Aussie turns to a sheep. "G'da..." he starts, before the farmer interrupts. "Don't talk to her!!" he yells. "She tells bloody lies!!" 1 3
red750 Posted October 19, 2020 Author Posted October 19, 2020 (Maybe not so quick) Life in the Australian Army.. Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland) Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean- nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p...!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Susan 1 2
Old Koreelah Posted October 19, 2020 Posted October 19, 2020 On 16/10/2020 at 2:23 PM, Yenn said: Newspaper was the Pommies insulator of choice. I did one very long, cold bike trip with rolled-up broadsheets stuffed inside my jumper. Luxury!
red750 Posted October 21, 2020 Author Posted October 21, 2020 Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters.“ "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." “Okay, let’s give it a try. 2 1
red750 Posted October 24, 2020 Author Posted October 24, 2020 LIFE IS SHORT, SO DRINK THE GOOD WINE FIRST! I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.” “I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical benefits coverage.” I felt sorry for him, so I asked “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?” “Oh no, nothing like that” he said. “I was unexpectedly paroled.” 2 2
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