Quickies part 2

[red750]

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. 

I know most of us have experienced this, and this guy handled the breach of patient confidentiality in a unique way:

 

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. 

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. 
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ' 

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and  discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' 
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.’ The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then  re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. 
The waiting room erupted in laughter... 

[Jerry_Atrick]

What did Adam say the day before Christmas? “It’s Christmas, Eve!”

[onetrack]

You just may be a Redneck if you spot a sign that says, "Say No to Crack" - and it reminds you to pull up your jeans.

[red750]

Daniel Andrews walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Miss, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Andrews: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Daniel Andrews the Victorian Premier.
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc. I must insist on seeing ID."

Andrews: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Andrews, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Andrews, "Come on please, I am begging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do.  One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. 
To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. 
With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. 
He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. 
With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Andrews stands there thinking and thinking and finally says,
"Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. 
I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr. Andrews?

 

[red750]

Using a 22 calibre Beretta pistol against a 12' Alligator: BERETTA MAKES FINE GUNS. 

 

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit...(well, maybe in the US, not Australia).

 

A Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 cal Beretta Pistol:        

      

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol

against a fierce predator. 

What's the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself?  

      

Here's her story in  her own words: 

"While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property

 

settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft

 

alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. 

      

It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was

extremely aggressive. 

If I had not had my little Beretta .22 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today!        

      

Just one shot to my  estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to

escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.        

The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!``

[red750]

A schoolteacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a “slide-rule” and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

“Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values”.

“They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we’ve determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.'”

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.”

White House aides told reporters they "could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President!"

[red750]

THE ART OF POLITICS

 

A Russian Jew was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel.  At the Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked: Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero."
The Russian customs officer let him go without further inspection.

 

At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs officer also asked our friend, "What is this?"
He replied, "What is this? Wrong question, Sir. You should be asking, 'Who is this?' This is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day."
The Israeli customs officer said, "I apologize, Sir, you are cleared to go"

 

Settling into his new house, he put the statue on a table. To celebrate his immigration, he invited his friends and relatives to dinner.
One of his friends asked, "Who is this?"
He replied, "My dear friend, 'Who is this' is a wrong question. You should have asked, What is this?  This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without paying any customs duty and tax."

 

MORAL: Politics is when you can tell the same thing in different ways to fool a different audience, to allow you to look good in every way.

 

[red750]

      The Satnav    by Pam Ayers

I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car.

A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life.

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear.

And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device.

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught.

So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure that I am fed.

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.                                                    

[facthunter]

Well it's pretty certain that as you get old(er) you don't turn them ON.. Nev

[red750]

😍😆😅A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic

garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in

awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

 

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20

bills falling Out of that bag."

 

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and

see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."

 

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that

money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

 

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to

the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and

pee

through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used

to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

 

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I

stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge

clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I

surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off

it comes.'

 

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

 

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[red750]

A surfer known for the number of waves he caught was asked for his secret.
“It’s simple,” he replied. “When I get up in the morning, and my wife is lying on her right side, I only take waves with a right break. If she is lying on her left side, I only take waves with a left break.”
“And if she is lying on her back?”
“In that case, I sure as hell don’t go surfing!”

[red750]

Why is surfing like sex?
Because when it’s good, it’s really, really good. And when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.

[red750]

“Hey, what’s worse, ignorance or indifference?”

 

“I don’t know, and I don’t care.”

[red750]

Here we go with the blonde jokes again.

 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the 
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

[red750]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

 

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,

'PULL OVER!'

 

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

[red750]

The Moral of Auntie Sharon 
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
 The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
 
 Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
 
 'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
 
 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
 
 'Very good,' said the teacher.
 Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before  they're hatched'.'
 
 'That was a fine story Sarah.'
 Michael, do you have a story to share?'
 
 'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
 
 She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
 
 She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
 
 She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
 ran out of bullets.
 
 Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
 And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
 
 'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
 
 'Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's pissed.'

[old man emu]

Imagine if the game of golf hadn't been invented.

 

How would we be able to describe the size of hailstones?

[red750]

A postman is working his final day before retirement. He has been working in the neighbourhood for 25 years and the residents all know him well. On his final delivery round they give him cards and small gifts.

 

At one house, the door opens and the lady of the house invites him inside. She takes his hand and leads him upstairs to the bedroom. She makes love to him and then makes him breakfast. On him way out she kisses him on the cheek and slips him a $5 note.

 

The postman says: “Thanks for the breakfast and the amazing sex, but what is the $5 for?”

 

She smiles: “Well, when I found out you were retiring, I asked by husband what we should do for you. He said: ‘Screw that guy, give him a $5 note. The breakfast was my idea’.”

[red750]

Two Irishmen were working for Dundee City Council public works department.  One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down  the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

 

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.  So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it --
why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow  behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.  But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'

[old man emu]

This thread has produced some really good laughs and "Dad Joke" induced groans, but all the jokes and funny stories rely on prior knowledge to make the punchline work. However if a joke depends on people having very specialist knowledge, then it will often fly like a lead Zeppelin. Just recently, my wanderings into the world of physics (sailing ships and air density) have lead me into the world of quantum physics and photons. 

 

I  saw a sticker on a ute that read "Black lines matter". It obviously referred to this pastime:

 

However, given my recently gained knowledge of quantum physics, I realised that to a quantum physicist, black lines matter, too.

 

 

Now to explain what made me chuckle. Black lines  are called spectral lines. A spectral line is a dark in an otherwise uniform and continuous spectrum, resulting from  absorption of a photon of a specific frequency compared with the nearby frequencies.

 

The black lines indicate that a photon of energy has been absorbed by an electron to jump to a higher energy state. So, to a quantum physicist, black lines matter.

 

 

[old man emu]

Old K,

I wasn't meant to be informative. It was meant to be a joke, Joyce.

[pmccarthy]

Fooled me too.

[red750]

After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
 
He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
 
She asks: "What does that mean?"
 
He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot."
 
She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
 
He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"
 
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

[red750]

Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?

 

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

 

'Onions?'

 

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.  
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.  
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

 

'A Christmas tree?'

 

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.

[Old Koreelah]