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Quickies part 2


red750

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An Average looking man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him; the woman asks the man:

“How would you like to get out of here?” and the man is stunned.


He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees.


They both get into his car and drive really far.
He stops at a Cliff with the view of the whole City.


Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish.
They both put their Clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly.


The woman speaks up and says:
“I’m a prostitute and it's going to be 100 dollars for my service.”


The Man is stunned and saddened that she didn’t really like him.
He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly.


The Woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies:
“I’m a Uber driver and it's going to be 150 Dollars for the ride here and back.

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A drunken Irishman is stumbling through the woods, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing a group of people in the river.

The Irishman joins the queue, thinking there's some free Church handout.

The preacher turns around and says to the drunk, "My friend, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk mumbles, "Yes, oi guess oi am."

So the preacher grabs him, and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back up, and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again - but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end, and dunks the drunk again - but this time holds him down for much longer, before he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, coughs and splutters, wipes his eyes, catches his breath, and says to the preacher....

"Shure an' begorrah - are you sure this is where he fell in"?

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An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.


    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.


    When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.  But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.


    The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.."

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 03/03/2021 at 1:23 PM, old man emu said:

A quick Maths problem:

 

If 666 is the Number of the Beast, solve for X.

image.png.26cb2cf6d40ecd7db1880d38f231fb79.png

No takers?

 

The joke involves the reference to "the Beast" and an American way of expressing mathematical operations.

 

The Beast is usually taken to mean the Devil, although biblical scholars will tell you that people have misunderstood the reference. Nevertheless, let's accept that the Devil is all Evil.

 

Where we say that the tick-like symbol in mathematics as "square root of ...", the Americans say, "root of ..."

 

So, if 666 is the Devil's number, then in this case, X = The root of all Evil.

 

:victory:

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Jim was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives.

The best call was from a brave chap who called his wife,

 "Harvey Norman".

The host asked him why that name?

He replied,

 "Absolutely no interest for 36 months!!!."

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Joe was out walking through  the park one night when a mysterious woman approached out of the dark, and said, "Thirty quid."

 

Joe had never been with a prostitute before, but thought, it's only thirty quid, why not.

 

In a few moments, they were entwined in the act when suddenly a bright light shined on them. It was the police.

 

"What's going on here?" asked the cop.

 

"I'm making love to my wife." said Joe.

 

"Oh! Sorry, I didn't realise." said the cop.

 

"Neither did I until you shined that torch in her face." said Joe.

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