Quickies part 2

[red750]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River.The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'

 

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

 

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

 

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

 

'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra.

 

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.

 

'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

 

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase

[red750]

An Average looking man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him; the woman asks the man:

“How would you like to get out of here?” and the man is stunned.

He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees.

They both get into his car and drive really far.
He stops at a Cliff with the view of the whole City.

Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish.
They both put their Clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly.

The woman speaks up and says:
“I’m a prostitute and it's going to be 100 dollars for my service.”

The Man is stunned and saddened that she didn’t really like him.
He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly.

The Woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies:
“I’m a Uber driver and it's going to be 150 Dollars for the ride here and back.

[onetrack]

A drunken Irishman is stumbling through the woods, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing a group of people in the river.

The Irishman joins the queue, thinking there's some free Church handout.

The preacher turns around and says to the drunk, "My friend, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk mumbles, "Yes, oi guess oi am."

So the preacher grabs him, and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back up, and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again - but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end, and dunks the drunk again - but this time holds him down for much longer, before he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, coughs and splutters, wipes his eyes, catches his breath, and says to the preacher....

"Shure an' begorrah - are you sure this is where he fell in"?

[red750]

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

    When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.  But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

    The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.."

 

[Marty_d]

An oldie but a goodie Peter!

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 19, 2021 by Marty_d

[old man emu]

A quick Maths problem:

 

If 666 is the Number of the Beast, solve for X.

[red750]

25.8069758011

[old man emu]

30 minutes ago, red750 said:

25.8069758011

It's a joke, Joyce.

 

Think again.

[old man emu]

On 03/03/2021 at 1:23 PM, old man emu said:

A quick Maths problem:

 

If 666 is the Number of the Beast, solve for X.

No takers?

 

The joke involves the reference to "the Beast" and an American way of expressing mathematical operations.

 

The Beast is usually taken to mean the Devil, although biblical scholars will tell you that people have misunderstood the reference. Nevertheless, let's accept that the Devil is all Evil.

 

Where we say that the tick-like symbol in mathematics as "square root of ...", the Americans say, "root of ..."

 

So, if 666 is the Devil's number, then in this case, X = The root of all Evil.

 

[Jerry_Atrick]

As one who has had nowt a religious education - I like it!

Edited March 4, 2021 by Jerry_Atrick

[Cosmick]

I was wondering how to Square Root the Devil 

 

[Marty_d]

You can't put a square peg in a round hole.

[old man emu]

But you can circle left and circle right in a Square Dance.

 

 

[Marty_d]

Square = square dance

horizontal dance = root

 

So the square root of 666 is to dance with the devil?

[red750]

Jim was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives.

The best call was from a brave chap who called his wife,

 "Harvey Norman".

The host asked him why that name?

He replied,

 "Absolutely no interest for 36 months!!!."

[red750]

Joe was out walking through  the park one night when a mysterious woman approached out of the dark, and said, "Thirty quid."

 

Joe had never been with a prostitute before, but thought, it's only thirty quid, why not.

 

In a few moments, they were entwined in the act when suddenly a bright light shined on them. It was the police.

 

"What's going on here?" asked the cop.

 

"I'm making love to my wife." said Joe.

 

"Oh! Sorry, I didn't realise." said the cop.

 

"Neither did I until you shined that torch in her face." said Joe.

[red750]

[red750]

Unfortunate Victorian registration plate seen recently:

 

             1AM 5HT

 

At first glance it looks like something else.

[Marty_d]

If it was on a BMW, and had "driver" after it, it'd be appropriate!

 

[red750]

[red750]

How can this be?

 

99 is 88.

[Cosmick]

2 hours ago, red750 said:

How can this be?

 

99 is 88.

Cross dressing, but I thought it was 86

 

[red750]

Today is Barbara Feldon's 88th birthday. She played Agent 99 on the TV show Get Smart.

 

So, 99 is 88.

[ClintonB]

One of my favourite shows when a young fella.

 

[red750]

Wife:  "What would you do if I started smoking?"

 

Husband:  "Slow down and apply more lubricant."