Quickies part 2

[old man emu]

What sort of cheese to you use to get a bear out of a cave?

 

 

 

Camembert.

[Jerry_Atrick]

 

11 hours ago, Lucy Jackson said:

Hey guys, just doing a social experiment: please follow Megan Birot on Instagram! 

 

Why?

 

[Marty_d]

Maybe Lucy Jackson IS Megan Birot.

Sorry Lucy / Megan, I don't do Instagram.

[Jerry_Atrick]

Nor instascam...

[red750]

Another bleeding spammer. F off.

[old man emu]

10 hours ago, red750 said:

Another bleeding spammer. F off.

Original spammer's post deleted

[red750]

Father Sean and Father Patrick
Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/South Ireland border, and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, pounding a sign into the ground, which says:

Ta end is near!
Turn yerself arount afor it is too late!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, “Leave people alone you Oirish religious nutters! We don’t need your lectures.”

From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says, “Dat’s da terd one dis mornin.”

“Yaa,” Father Sean agrees, then asks, “Do ya tink maybe da sign should say, Bridge Out?”

[red750]

[red750]

A couple of boys from the bush go up to the big smoke and decide to go to a restaurant for dinner.

 

They sit down at a table and start to read the menu. An attractive young waitress comes to take their order. Dave looks up from the menu, smiles at her and says, "I'd like a quickie."

 

The girl blushes and rushes back to the kitchen.

 

Max leans over and says, "Err, Dave, I think it's pronounced 'Keesh' ".

 

 

 

[red750]

A little girl comes home and says to her mother "On the bus, Daddy said I should give my seat to a lady."

 

Her mother replied, "That's good, dear. It's good manners."

 

"But Mum, I was sitting on his knee." 

[Old Koreelah]

 

 

[red750]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
 

[red750]

[red750]

Occasionally, a gem of a joke comes along

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.      Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.   Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.   They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.     Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical sexual relationship.   'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.   'I would like it infrequently' she replied.   The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered – "Is that one word or two"

[red750]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.  She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.  Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.  "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.  She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.  I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.  Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.  My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!".

 

Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word or political. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words,  "And May God Bless"with a big smile on his face.

[red750]

This may have been posted before, but I can't be bothered looking for it.

 

A Russian Jew named Jacob was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel. At the Moscow airport, a customs inspector found a statue of Lenin in his luggage. "What is this?" Jacob replied, "Wrong question, comrade. You should have asked 'Who is this?' This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of Socialism and created the future prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero."  The Russian customs official sent him on his way. At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs official also asked "What is this?" "Wrong question, sir. You should be asking 'Who is this?' This, my friend, is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue as a reminder to curse him every day." The Israeli official sent him on his way. When he settled in his new home, Jacob placed the statue on a table. The following evening, he invited friends and relatives to dinner. Spotting the statue, one of his cousins asked, "Who is this?" Jacob replied, "Wrong question. You should have asked 'What is this?' This is five kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me from Russia without having to pay any customs duty or tax." The Moral: "Politics is when you can tell the same shit in different ways to fool different people and come out smelling like a rose!"

[red750]

A rags to riches story...

 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoeshine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?" 

The CEO answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?" 

The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market." 

"What is your name?" asked the executive. 

"John H. Smith," was the reply. 

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Service Department, "Do we have a client named John H. Smith?"

"Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager. "He is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account." 

The CEO comes out, approaches the shoe shiner and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our Board meeting and to tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience." 

At the Board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the Board members: "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him. 

Mr. Smith began his story: "I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.  Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. 

"I did not spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved, penny by penny, and after a while I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved, penny by penny. 

"After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. 

"A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. 

"Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."

[red750]

Crypto ....

 

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
A businessman bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The businessman now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city for a few days, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rolled up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
 

 

[red750]

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

 

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likeness.

 

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

 

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit flustered, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

 

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he conferred with Mary, his wife.

 

It was hard to make the decision, but finally his wife agreed.

“T’would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus,” he said. “The wife says it’s okay. I’ll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.”

[red750]

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said,

"Irving, I need a favour - I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. 

Can you hold him in temple for an hour after services for me?"

  

Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

  

After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.

  

After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked,

" Irving what are you really up to with all this?"

  

Irving , filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi

"I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."

  

The rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving 's shoulder, said 

" Irving I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago."

[red750]

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. 
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage” meant. 
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. 
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. 
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. 
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. 
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia , New Zealand , and Canada everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
 

[red750]

[red750]

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine….
(5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine….
(😎 The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘her day off.’ And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women…
ENJOY YOUR BBQ THIS WEEKEND IF YOU'RE ARE HAVING ONE!

[Yenn]

Red I didn't know you had been to my place.

[red750]

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile.

Someone out there Must be "deadly" at Scrabble.

(Wait till you see the last one)! 

PRESBYTERIAN: 
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER 

ASTRONOMER: 
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER 

DESPERATION: 
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT 

THE EYES: 
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE 

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE 

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: 
HERE COME DOTS 

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM 

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME 

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters: 
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
ALAS !  NO MORE Z'S 

A DECIMAL POINT: 
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE 

THE EARTHQUAKES: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
THAT QUEER SHAKE 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
TWELVE PLUS ONE 

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: 
WOMAN HITLER