Quickies part 2

[red750]

An Aussie and a Kiwi are having a beer on the deck one afternoon. After a while the Aussie asks the Kiwi: “If I snuck over to your house while you were at work, made passionate love to your wife and she had a baby, would that make us related?”

The Kiwi considers that for a moment, then replies: “Well, I’m not sure about related, but it would definitely make us even!”

[Jerry_Atrick]

A man and a woman who have never met before, but are both married to other people, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they are both very tired and fall asleep quickly. Him in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 am, the man leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.“
“I have a better idea,” she coos softly. “Just for tonight, let’s just pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaims.
“Good,” she replies. “Get your own bloody blanket.”

[Jerry_Atrick]

Actually, it reminded me of another..

 

A man and women, unknown to each other, were seated in an airline flight. About 1/2 way to the destination, the plane started a nosedive to the ground, and the pilot blurted something over the PA that it was the end...

 

The woman stands up next to the man, rips off her blouse and demands that he makes her feel like a woman again..

 

The man stands up in a masculine manner, rips off his shirt, exposing a well sculptured chest, throws the shirt at the woman and demands, "Hey, £!TCH.. Iron this!"

[red750]

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack

Using a Small Beretta Pistol

 

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against fierce predator.

 

Here's her story in her own words:

“While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in ‘The Villages’ with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.”

 

“If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!”

“Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a real big bonus!”

 

[red750]

Two blondes at a servo. First blonde says "I bet the price of this petrol will go up."

 

Second blonde says "Won't affect me, I always put in $10 worth."

[red750]

Copied from Faceook....

 

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday morning (June 26th) from Moorabbin Airport and will fly to Portsea where we will have breakfast and then lunch on a yacht. We will then do a flight along the coast to see the seals and dolphins, then returning to Portsea to go out for dinner, we then fly back to Moorabbin. If interested please PM me, preferably someone with a helicopter and a yacht, otherwise we can't go...

[red750]

[red750]

The NILE Virus, type C
We are still battling the COVID-19 and the next thing is here already.  Virologists have identified a new Nile virus - type C.  It appears to target those who were born between 1930 & 1970.
Symptoms: Causes you
1.       To send the same message twice.
2.       To send a blank message.
3.       To send a message to the wrong person.
4.       To send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5.       To forget to attach the attachment.
6.       To hit SEND before you've finished.
7.       To hit DELETE instead of SEND.
8.       To SEND when you should DELETE.
It is called the C-NILE virus!
And if you cannot admit to doing the above, you have obviously caught the mutated strain — the D-NILE virus.
 

[red750]

An Irish Miracle.
 
Murphy drops a slice buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up!
 
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
 
So he rushes round to the church to fetch Father Flanagan.
 
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen but he won't say what it is.
 
He asks Father Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Father Flanagan in...to the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
 
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
 
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy. "Oh my Lord," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
It must be miracle. Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc."
 
After 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

 
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe.
Yet the Holy Ones must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. "
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared that it is 'Not a Miracle'.

 
They think that Murphy probably buttered the toast on the wrong side.

 

[Jerry_Atrick]

Hey, fellas.. Look what I found on one of the last vestiges of the internet. Better take care. Thankfully, hasn't hit Somerset, yet:

 

 

 

 

 

5 hours ago, red750 said:

The NILE Virus, type C
We are still battling the COVID-19 and the next thing is here already.  Virologists have identified a new Nile virus - type C.  It appears to target those who were born between 1930 & 1970.
Symptoms: Causes you
1.       To send the same message twice.
2.       To send a blank message.
3.       To send a message to the wrong person.
4.       To send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5.       To forget to attach the attachment.
6.       To hit SEND before you've finished.
7.       To hit DELETE instead of SEND.
8.       To SEND when you should DELETE.
It is called the C-NILE virus!
And if you cannot admit to doing the above, you have obviously caught the mutated strain — the D-NILE virus.
 

 

[onetrack]

If Murphy had used this on his toast, instead of butter, it would've been a Miracle event!

 

https://www.campbells.com.au/convenience/fresh/dairy-&-eggs/butters-&-spreads/margarine-spread/0000990323_665

[pmccarthy]

I lie awake at night worrying that I am becoming obsessive.

[red750]

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.

After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying,
“When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”

The first woman continued, 

“When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.
Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”

The first woman went on,
“Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
”Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”

The first woman then asked, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Mount Isa lady.

“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “What on earth could they teach you?”

The Mount Isa lady responded, “Well as an example… Instead of saying,

‘Who gives a F*ck?’ I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”

 

[facthunter]

There must be something you can take for this. Nev

[red750]

 

Here's another of those viral emails I keep getting for you guys to pull apart.

 

"And so the cookie starts to crumble...

 

Daylight killers...

 

The masks begin to fall off!

 

"The Chinese biological laboratory in Wuhan is owned by Glaxosmithkline, which (accidentally) owns Pfizer!" (the one who makes the vaccine against the virus which was (accidentally) started at the Wuhan Biological Lab and which was (accidentally) funded by Dr. Fauci, who (accidentally) promotes the vaccine!

 

"GlaxoSmithKline is (accidentally) managed by the finance division of Black Rock, which (accidentally) manages the finances of the Open Foundation Company (Soros Foundation), which (accidentally) manages the French AXA!

 

"Soros (accidentally) owns the German company Winterthur , which (accidentally) built a Chinese laboratory in Wuhan and was bought by the German Allianz, which (coincidentally) has Vanguard as a shareholder, who (coincidentally) is a shareholder of Black Rock," which (coincidentally) controls central banks and manages about a third of global investment capital.

 

"Black Rock" is also (coincidentally) a major shareholder of MICROSOFT, owned by Bill Gates, who (coincidentally) is a shareholder of Pfizer (which - remember? Sells a miracle vaccine) and (coincidentally) is now the first sponsor of the 'WHO!’

Now you understand how a dead bat sold in a wet market in China has infected the WHOLE PLANET! "

 

(Edit:  Oops - wrong thread. Should be in Covid-19)

[octave]

It has the look of tin foil hat conspiratorial BS.    It calls upon the reader to accept each assertion without providing a shred of evidence.  If I were to put any effort into proving or disproving this, I would start with the first assertion.  Is the Wuhan lab owned by GlaxoSmithKline?   No it isn't.    

 

 

The reason I say this looks like conspiratorial BS is because it contains all the things that get the tin foil hat brigade all fired up.  China, Big Pharma,  A scientist (Fauci) Soros and Bill Gates.

 

For a fuller analysis       https://www.aap.com.au/glaxosmithkline-falsely-linked-to-wuhan-lab-pfizer-in-covid-19-contrivance/

 

 

 

I cant understand why people are so ready to believe these amazingly complex conspiracies rather than the simplest and most likely chain of events.    New diseases pop up all the time,  SARS, MERS. COVID1, AIDS etc. etc.     

 

We live in a time when we have at our disposal an enormous body of knowledge that we can tap into any time we like.  We can fact check, we can also look for corroborating evidence.

 

https://letmegooglethat.com/?q=does+glaxosmithkline+have+shares+in+pfizer 

[nomadpete]

Take Occam's razor to it, Red.

 

Complex conspiracies seldom outperform simple f- ups.

[Marty_d]

@red750, if you think these things are bullsh*t (which they are) - then why do you post them on here?

[nomadpete]

It's a joke thread Marty.

[Jerry_Atrick]

Yes, I was about to launch into a diatribe of rebuttals, but in the end, could only laugh...

[willedoo]

17 hours ago, octave said:

The reason I say this looks like conspiratorial BS is because it contains all the things that get the tin foil hat brigade all fired up.  China, Big Pharma,  A scientist (Fauci) Soros and Bill Gates.

How can it be a half decent conspiracy without the mandatory Russian hackers. This one just doesn't stack up.

[octave]

2 minutes ago, willedoo said:

How can it be a half decent conspiracy without the mandatory Russian hackers. This one just doesn't stack up.

 

It is missing 5G

[onetrack]

Where's the Illuminati and the New World Order?? Can't have a decent conspiracy tale without the New World Order and the Illuminati, and all those leaders who are/have been, in the Illuminati.

[willedoo]

This is getting to be one bloated conspiracy theory.

[red750]

Weather Forecaster

The Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. 

 Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

 
 Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

 
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.

 

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?' 

 The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.' 

 So, the elder went back to his tribe and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. 

 

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yep, it's going to be a very cold winter.' 

 The elder went back to his tribe and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. 

 

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. Hey, 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’

  'Absolutely,' the guy replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 

 

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked. 

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'