Quickies part 2

[red750]

A mature woman from Auckland who was a tree hugger, Greens supporter, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of bushland near Coromandel.

There was a large Kauri tree on one of the highest points on the block. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a mynah bird that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

 

In considerable pain, she hurried to Thames Hospital to see a doctor.  She told him she was an environmentalist, a Greenie, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

 

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

 

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Department of Conservation, Resource Management Act, County Council, Regional Authority and Iwi before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

 

 Don't you love it  !

[red750]

The Girl Lodger
A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath,although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

 

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

 

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

 

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.

 

Then the girl went to bed and the husband came in; the wife asked: "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't"...

[Marty_d]

How does a joke become a Dad joke?

 

It becomes apparent...

[red750]

At St. Anthony's Catholic Church in Hawthorn, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary,  to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

 

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

 

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

 

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

[red750]

LUCK OF THE IRISH

 

DEAR MR MURPHY,

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous.

It was lipstick.

 

We deeply regret the amputation.

[red750]

They say mirrors don't lie.

 

I'm just glad they don't laugh.

[red750]

Whoopee! Restrictions lifted. Gotta get a haircut. Vaccinations can wait. I want to be the best looking corpse in the morgue. 

[Old Koreelah]

Old, but gold:

 

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. 
Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. 
"You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. 
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[red750]

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. 
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.   
He turns to the astonished patrons. 
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. 
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.   
Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. 
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' 
The crowd murmured their approval. 
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, 
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. 
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. 
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer  bottle and smacked the 
crocodile really, really hard on the top of  its head .
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. 
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. 
The man stood up again and made another offer...
'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' 
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. 
A blonde woman timidly spoke up...........
 'I'll try it -  just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'
 

[red750]

One for you golfers....

 

Do you  know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's  heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the  knees, and he begins to think  irrationally. 

 

Ever wonder  why?

 

It's because she  smells like a new golf bag !!!!

[red750]

You can't make this stuff up....

 

Snake bite.

[ClintonB]

wifey found this on FB, fairly accurate for children.

[Old Koreelah]

As an ex-chalkie, I also found it accurate!

[ClintonB]

12 minutes ago, Old Koreelah said:

As an ex-chalkie, I also found it accurate!

My wife is one of your old students.

probably shouldn’t use”old” or I will get smacked in the head.

[Marty_d]

9 minutes ago, ClintonB said:

My wife is one of your old students.

probably shouldn’t use”old” or I will get smacked in the head.

With a duster.

[red750]

 I've received many remarkable nature photographs over the years but this photo of a nesting Falcon is perhaps the most remarkable Nature shot that I've ever  seen. 

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.  Nature is truly remarkable!

I've sent this to most of my older friends.  The younger ones probably have never seen a Falcon and wouldn't recognize it. http://i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg

[Old Koreelah]

[red750]

[red750]

[red750]

[red750]

Subject: Re: Easing restrictions

What a brain to think this all up. 🤣🤣



Medical experts in London were asked today if it is time to ease the COVID lockdowns. 

 

Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

 

Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government lacked the nerve.

 

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

 

Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

 

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.

 

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and Pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.

 

Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

 

Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off by the whole idea.

 

Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

 

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes.

 

[red750]

Remember, this is the Funnies forum.

 

 

The Pope and Dan Andrews were on the stage together outside parliament in front of a huge crowd.

 

The Pope leans towards Dan and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?  This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

 

Dan replied, "I seriously doubt that!  With one little wave of your hand? …. Show me!"

 

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage and down the stairs!

 

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

 

[red750]

SEX IN THE SHOWER

 

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter".

 

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

 

In the survey, 86% of Chicago 's inner city residents say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

 

The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison yet.

 

Sort of brings a tear to your eye ……😅

 

[onetrack]

REMOTE JOKES ....

 

Got offered a television for $50 with a broken volume control & no remote. I couldn’t turn it down.

 

The local TV controller museum has had almost no visitors. People are not even remotely interested.

 

I used to get really angry and aggressive when I wanted to watch a different channel - then I got a new remote control. It’s really helped me change.

 

First time I saw a universal remote control, I thought to myself, “this changes everything”.

 

Bought a new television remote control with fifty buttons. I was quite surprised they allowed me to pay with buttons.

 

Used the remote control for my new interactive TV to find out about an old Elvis gig. I had to press one for the money, two for the show…

 

Flicking through the channels with my remote control, I spotted the World Origami Championships, but it was paper view.

 

Saw a 70's television programme about two detectives who solve crimes just using a TV remote control. Star Key and Hash.

[onetrack]

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one, and immediately crashes it, killing several people....
At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders, and sentenced to death.

 

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him.

The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

 

There's never been a failure before. But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free.

 

Within a week's time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one. He doesn't care that he can't drive it, or that he failed catastrophically before; he's obsessed with trains and his only desire is to drive one.

As before, he crashes it, and kills several people. Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train.

His last meal request is a single banana.

 

When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He goes free again.

 

The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it.

His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death. They ask him what he'd like for his last meal.

"A single banana," he says.

 

"Oh, no you don't, you son of a bitch! We're on to you, now! We know all about your little banana trick, and you're not escaping this time!"

The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and apple pie.

 

The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

 

"Did you give him the banana?" demands the head guard.

 

"No, sir! He asked for the banana but we didn't give it to him, we swear!" says one of the guards.

 

Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. He was just a really bad conductor.