Quickies part 2

[red750]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo

"Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.

"Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the Son of Athens points out with a note of finality:

"Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"

"Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved"

[pmccarthy]

The archaeologist overcame his dyslexia and got a degree, but spent the last three years digging up a Viking shit burial.

[red750]

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during  a dinner.      

 

Catholic: "I have a large fortune... I am going to buy Citibank!"

 

Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"

 

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince... I intend to purchase Microsoft.

 

They then all wait for the Jew to speak.

 

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon  neatly on the table, takes a  sip of his  coffee, looks  at them and casually says:           

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

       

 

 

       

 

"I'm not  selling!!"

 

[red750]

[onetrack]

Donald Trump was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo.  Suddenly, a donkey jumped out onto the road, and they hit it full on, and the car came to a stop.

 

Trump said to the chauffeur: '’You get out and check, you were driving.’’  The chauffeur got out, checked, and reported that the animal was dead.

 

"You were driving; go and tell the farmer," said Trump.  Hours later, the chauffeur returned totally plastered, hair ruffled, and with a big grin on his face.

 

"My God, what happened to you?" asked Trump. The chauffeur replied: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal, and the daughter took me upstairs to her bedroom, and screwed me senseless."

 

"What on earth did you say to them?" asked Trump.

"I knocked on the door, and when they answered it, I said to them, "I'm Donald Trump's chauffeur, and I've just killed the jackass."

[onetrack]

My Grand-daughter believes that the bigger a man's feet, the bigger his willy.

 

You wouldn't believe some of the clowns she brings home.

 

 

"Paddy, how good was that Faith Healer at the Religious Meeting last night?"

"Mick, he was absolute shite.  Even the fella in the Wheelchair got up and walked out."

[red750]

THE UMBRELLA - A TOUCHING STORY 

 
On a rainy afternoon in Edmonton recently a group of protesters were gathered outside  a hospital handing out pamphlets on the  "evils"  of  vaccines and vaccine passports. They said it violated their rights ???I politely declined to take one as I entered the hospital.      
 
There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester  who offered her a pamphlet, which she, too, politely declined.      
 
The young protester gently put her hand on the old woman's shoulder and in a patronizing voice said, "Don't you care about freedoms and rights" ?

 

The old woman looked  up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France during  World War II protecting our rights and freedoms. I lost my husband to Covid, and now my daughter has it "So how can a naive, privileged, ignorant, self-centred  bimbo like you have  the right to stand here, talk about rights and freedoms, badmouth our health-care workers, protest in front of hospitals where the health-care system is overwhelmed by this pandemic and sadly does not care about our health and safety ? If you touch me again,  I'll shove this umbrella up your ass and open it."

[old man emu]

[red750]

[red750]

A  father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the  son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching  movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy  Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching  porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The  robot slaps the father.
Mum laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot  slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

[red750]

An Irish farmer named Paddy had an accident. He and his cow were hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company .

He sued for damages and grievous injuries.  

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot lawyer was questioning Paddy:

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'    asked the company's lawyer.

Paddy responded:   'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '    

'I didn't ask for any details',   the lawyer interrupted.  'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'       

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,   'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.  Now several weeks after the accident, he is in court suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '    

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the lawyer:  'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie. He may answer.'

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. It were a terrible crash!

I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move at all. And I could hear poor old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.  

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorcycle turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.  Kilt her dead!

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fook would you say?

[Marty_d]

How to speak Irish in one simple lesson:

 

Say the following words, out loud, with no pause between them:

 

WHALE  OIL  BEEF  HOOKED

[red750]

"How was that faith healing meeting last night"

 

"It was terrible. Even a guy in a wheelcahair got up and walked out."

 

 

 

[old man emu]

What do you call an itinerant cave-man?

 

 

A meanderthal.

[old man emu]

My dog is so lazy, I have to give him Valium as a stimulant.

[pmccarthy]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

The presenter said, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

 

"Sticks!" Paddy replied

[Jerry_Atrick]

Not really a quickie, but this seems the most appropriate place to put it. I did a search of olde English words to try and find a domain name for a new website I am building and this came up at https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/24-old-english-terms-you-should-start-using-again.html:

 

20. Trumpery

Things that look good but are basically worthless. I said THINGS, not people.

 

[edit]

 

And this:

24. Cockalorum

A small man with a big opinion of himself.

Edited October 20, 2021 by Jerry_Atrick

[pmccarthy]

A slang term that I like is toodleoo. It is a mis-hearing of the French À tout à l'heure ! meaning "see you soon".  I can't think where to use it in a website though.

[old man emu]

3 hours ago, Jerry_Atrick said:

to try and find a domain name for a new website

If you tell us what the website is about, we will find you ye olde worde to use.

 

“Thorn” is a letter which looks a lot like the letter “P.”
 

“Thorn” represented “th.”

You know those signs that say Ye Olde <something> Shoppe?

It’s actually not “Ye” at all but “Thee.” German and Italian printers didn’t have the “Thorn” character, so they substituted the closest thing they could find—Y. Even I can see that a “Y” doesn’t much resemble the P-looking “Thorn.” But in an older script it does.
 

 

[onetrack]

Trumpery would be an excellent name for a Donald Trump website. Maybe someone should suggest it to him, without telling him the meaning of the world. He wouldn't know it anyway, because he doesn't read, and he'd be sure to think that Trumpery is an outstanding accomplishment description of his politics.

 

Jerry, I'm intrigued as regards your website origins and aims, particularly seeing as it's making you look up words like Trumpery and Cockalorum. Are you starting up a political website? 

 

Edited October 21, 2021 by onetrack

[old man emu]

Now here's a word for a politician's outpouring: ultracrepidarian

 

 An ultracrepidarian is someone who is in the habit of giving advice on matters he himself knows nothing about — like a politician.

[onetrack]

Sounds like a lot of forum contributors. Handing out electrical and legal advice on forums without the necessary qualifications, is pretty common. However, I must say I enjoy doing it. 

[spacesailor]

QUALIFICATIONS 

Just those Bureaucratic money grubbing 'tests ' that only test, how good at test,s you are.

I could have been a ' professional ' welder, if l could read those test questions correctly.

Using words not in normal workday, merly university trained people would understand.

Like the under the harbour,s redhead,s " misongic " word  !.

That had many people dusting off their old dictionary.

spacesailor

[Jerry_Atrick]

20 hours ago, old man emu said:

If you tell us what the website is about, we will find you ye olde worde to use.

 

16 hours ago, onetrack said:

Jerry, I'm intrigued as regards your website origins and aims, particularly seeing as it's making you look up words like Trumpery and Cockalorum. Are you starting up a political website? 

 Well, that would be telling, wouldn't it?

 

It's going to be a demo of what to a consumer, will look like ye olde standarde eCommerce site. It's what happens behind the scenes that will be different, and all part of my plot for world domination.

 

Actually, am teaching myself PHP (programming language) at the moment, as the demo will be done in Wordpress, so, OME, better get your son to be wary - very wary 😉

 

The reason for looking for olde wordes is that virtually every dictionary word has been reserved in the .com domain (I am not interested in .com.au, or .co.uk or .biz, etc). A lot of olde wordes have also been reserved - with some for sale prices that would allow me to easily enjoy 70 virgins without the dying bit (reference to the later posts on the COVID thread).I don't want the site name to be aligned to anything in particular, but just a brand name.

 

20 hours ago, pmccarthy said:

A slang term that I like is toodleoo.

By jove, ol' chap, I thought you bought the ol' place, but, alas: http://toodleoo.com/

[nomadpete]

3 hours ago, Jerry_Atrick said:

, and all part of my plot for world domination.

 

Alas, olde matey,

I believe you have missed the bus. Googall seems to have beaten you to it.