Quickies part 2

[nomadpete]

Is 'toodlepip' taken, too?

[Jerry_Atrick]

1 hour ago, nomadpete said:

Alas, olde matey,

I believe you have missed the bus. Googall seems to have beaten you to it.

Alas, if by wealth alone, Bezos, Musk and Jobs (well, his estate) have already done that...

 

All empires eventually give way to new ones...

 

 

[Jerry_Atrick]

1 hour ago, nomadpete said:

Is 'toodlepip' taken, too?

Nice one..

Although Olde English...  too British!

 

http://toodlepip.com/

 

Also, looks like a Joomla (competitor to Wordpress) site.. Yuk!

 

Edited October 21, 2021 by Jerry_Atrick

[old man emu]

Humour in irony:

 

COVID lockdown eased significantly in Sydney recently. Since then I have noticed a very significant drop in the numbers of people jogging, or walking dogs past my house.

[nomadpete]

1 hour ago, Jerry_Atrick said:

All empires eventually give way to new ones...

Just tryin' ter help, old buddy.

You'll remember me well when you make it big. Wontcha, old mate???

[pmccarthy]

5 hours ago, Jerry_Atrick said:

Nice one..

Although Olde English...  too British!

 

http://toodlepip.com/

 

Also, looks like a Joomla (competitor to Wordpress) site.. Yuk!

 

How about Nahpoo? Or napoo. As ‘applied universally to anybody or anything’, deriving from il n’y a plus [or il n’y en a plus]

[old man emu]

2 hours ago, pmccarthy said:

il n’y en a plus

PMc, what's your take on the meaning of that? Translated it means "There is none left".

[Jerry_Atrick]

3 hours ago, pmccarthy said:

How about Nahpoo? Or napoo

No.. no.. no... no..no..

 

That is the point of the site.. there isn;t going to be nah poo.. there will be plenty of it!

 

🙂

 

 

[red750]

This one is so old, you probably haven't heard it before.

 

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of Americans tourist the top end.
 On there way to Kakadu, he was describing the abilities of the Aborigines to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.
 The Americans were incredulous.
 Then later that day, the tour rounded a bend in the road. Lying in the middle of the roads an Aboriginal. 
 He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. 
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostate Aboriginal. 
’Jacky,' said the tour guide 'what are you tracking and what are you listening for ?'
 The Aborigine replies, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's Red, the left front tyre is bald, the front end is out of whack, and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellers in the back, all drinking warm Sherry.
 There are three kangaroos strapped to the roof and six dogs on the front seat'. 
The American tourists move forward astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge
 'Goddammit man, how do you know all that?' asked one.
 The Aborigine replies,' Because I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago'.

[red750]

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a monkey came out of the bush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.” The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.

“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey nodded his head.

“Well, did you see this?”

The monkey nodded.

“What happened?”

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.

The monkey nodded.

“What else?” asked the officer.

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.

“They were smoking marijuana too?” said the officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

“What else?” queried the officer.

The monkey motioned with his fingers.

“Having sex! They were having sex, too!?” asked the astounded officer.

“Yes,” nodded the monkey.

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they crashed?”

“Yes,” the monkey nodded.

“What were you doing during all this?” asked the officer.

“Driving,” motioned the monkey.

[Marty_d]

4 hours ago, red750 said:

This one is so old, you probably haven't heard it before.

 

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of Americans tourist the top end.
 On there way to Kakadu, he was describing the abilities of the Aborigines to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.
 The Americans were incredulous.
 Then later that day, the tour rounded a bend in the road. Lying in the middle of the roads an Aboriginal. 
 He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. 
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostate Aboriginal. 
’Jacky,' said the tour guide 'what are you tracking and what are you listening for ?'
 The Aborigine replies, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's Red, the left front tyre is bald, the front end is out of whack, and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellers in the back, all drinking warm Sherry.
 There are three kangaroos strapped to the roof and six dogs on the front seat'. 
The American tourists move forward astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge
 'Goddammit man, how do you know all that?' asked one.
 The Aborigine replies,' Because I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago'.

You know the funny thing - I did that skit in a school play - would have been grade 3, so that's about 1980.

 

I was a native American instead of aborigine, and it was a stagecoach that had run over me - but the rest of it was the same.

[Jerry_Atrick]

Chrysler made stagecoaches?

Edited October 23, 2021 by Jerry_Atrick

[nomadpete]

No, Studebaker made stage coaches and conestoga waggons.

 

The english Rover company started out making wheelbarrows, and look where that led them!

[red750]

Subject:  Barracks door

 

 

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

 

A female checker walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

 

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

 

When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

 

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his "barracks door."

 

He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,

 

"When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

 

The girl thought for a moment and said:

 

"No, no I didn't....... but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."..

 

[red750]

Graphics gaffe.

 

I thought this was hilarious. I was watching Weekend Sunrise on 7 and they were doing film reviews, in particular for the film The Last Duel.

 

The graphic was meant to read "Jamie Comer is a Knockout in The Last Duel." However, the letter 'n' was left out, giving the graphic a whole new meaning.

[old man emu]

Do you think that the people who do those graphics often have a little joke, based on our naturally not reading every letter in a word? You know about that research that shows that as long as the letters for the major sounds in a word are in the correct place, we ignore the ones in the wrong place, like "reciept ".

[red750]

Yes. I konw aobut taht.

[old man emu]

33 minutes ago, red750 said:

Yes. I konw aobut taht.

Damn! Got the obvious one and missed the hidden one.

[red750]

A little Irish humour.

 

A guy goes into a Dublin hardware store. He picks up a can of flyspray, turns to the shopkeeper and says, "is this good for wasps?" 

 

The shopkeeper replies, "No. It kills them."

[red750]

Haircut 

 

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with  his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

 

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your  grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut".

 

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair".

 

 

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!) 

 

 

 

 

"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

 

[red750]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

 

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
A maybe.

 

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.

 

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

She had a photographic memory but never developed it.

 

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?

I don't know and don't really care.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
 

[old man emu]

Early in WWII, manufacturing demand rose rapidly in Australia, requiring workers to work at a faster pace for longer hours to meet demand. Employment demands also rose, so European refugees were taken on in large numbers. Then Western Europe fell under German control and the Enemy Aliens Act came into force. 

 

One summer's day, the police arrived at a small foundry seeking out these "enemy aliens". The Crown Sergeant asked a sweating, grimy foundry worker, "Do you have a Ruytenbrak here?" "Rootin' break!!? We don't even get a tea break."

[red750]

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

“If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.

 

In response to Bill’s comments, Ford issued a press release. Here is what it said:

 

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash – twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only 5 per cent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, “Are you sure?” before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You’d have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine off.

[red750]

I went into a book shop and asked the saleswoman where the help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

•••

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

•••

If a deaf child signs swear words does his mother wash his hands with soap?

•••

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves is it considered a hostage situation?

•••

Is there another word for synonym?

•••

Where do park rangers go to ‘get away from it all’?

•••

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

[onetrack]

Funnily enough, the Missus' 2012 Camry Atara is keyless, and we have one button to start it and stop it with - just like a computer!