red750 Posted August 9, 2018 Author Posted August 9, 2018 It's a blonde joke - the two blondes saw the sign on the drive-in Closed for the Winter and thought it was a movie. Froze to death waiting for it to start.
Marty_d Posted August 9, 2018 Posted August 9, 2018 Yeah yeah, I get that bit. But I thought "Closed for the Winter" must also be the title of some old movie I'd never heard of, which would have added another dimension to the joke.
kgwilson Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" Exasperated she replied, "Oh, hell no, he is white just like you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce? " "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. He says he can't communicate with me."
David2ayo Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and, holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now ..... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell him you have a headache!"
Soleair Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2018 I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there. I was told my job was in Jeopardy. I said I didn't fancy working there, and they sacked me!! Bruce
Yenn Posted August 17, 2018 Posted August 17, 2018 I heard about the taxi driver who thought he had a good fare when he was asked to take a pasenger to Nowhere Else for $100. A long way to Tassie.
PA. Posted August 17, 2018 Posted August 17, 2018 Bought a dog off a blacksmith the other day. As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Marty_d Posted August 17, 2018 Posted August 17, 2018 I received a voicemail message telling me that I had won a competition. I could have $250 in cash, or tickets to an Elvis tribute act. The instructions were - Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.
Phil Perry Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 A caller on the phone today tried to sell me a coffin. I said "That's the last thing I need. . . "
Phil Perry Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 A Copt, a Serb, an Armenian, an Israeli, a Burmese, a Biafran and a Congolese walked into a bar. They had a useful chat.
Phil Perry Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 Bloke is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his girlfriend at the side ready to jump.. . . Screeches to a halt and runs over shouting "Babe. . ., what are you doing?" "I've just found out I'm pregnant and I'm going to end it all" "Jeez, mate, not only a good lay but a good sport as well"
Phil Perry Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 2 drunk mexicans in a bar, arguing, so they turn around and ask the gringo. "hey...gringo......wass one plus one?" the gringo answers "two" one mexican takes out his pistol and shoots him,. . . the shocked barmen asks him why he did that . . . "That gringo. . . . .he knew too much"
Phil Perry Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge,"I just can't take it anymore. Every night she's out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar." Judge asks, "What's she doing?" The guy answers, "Looking for me."
red750 Posted August 23, 2018 Author Posted August 23, 2018 Trump Parade in Washington..... A friend of Donald -- maybe a golfing buddy -- told him that he had a fantastic dream the other night: There was a really really big, huge parade in Washington celebrating Trump. Hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, lined the parade route, and cheered and cheered when Donald went past. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen. Really Huge! Donald was very impressed and said, "That's really great! The best! By the way, how did I look? Was my hair OK?" His friend said that he couldn't tell. The casket was closed.
hihosland Posted August 25, 2018 Posted August 25, 2018 BITCOIN A lot of monkeys lived near a village. One day a merchant came to the village to buy these monkeys! He announced that he will buy the monkeys @ $100 each. The villagers thought that this man is mad. They thought how can somebody buy stray monkeys at $100 each? Still, some people caught some monkeys and gave them to this merchant and he paid them $100 for each monkey. This news spread like wildfire and people caught monkeys and sold them to the merchant. After a few days, the merchant announced that he will buy monkeys @$200 each. The lazy villagers also ran around to catch the remaining monkeys! They sold the remaining monkeys @$200 each. Then the merchant announced that he will buy monkeys @$500 each! The villagers start to lose sleep! ... They caught six or seven monkeys, which was all that was left and got $500 each. The villagers were waiting anxiously for the next announcement. Then the merchant announced that he is going home for a week. And when he returns, he will buy monkeys @$1000 each! He asked his employee to take care of the monkeys he bought. He was alone taking care of all the monkeys in a cage. The merchant went home. The villagers were very sad as there were no more monkeys left for them to sell at $1000 each. Then the employee told them that he will secretly sell some of the monkeys @$700 each. This news spread like wildfire. Since the merchant now buys monkeys @$1000 each, there is a $300 profit for each monkey. The next day, villagers made a queue near the monkey cage. The employee sold all the monkeys at $700 each. The rich bought monkeys in big lots. The poor borrowed money from money lenders and also bought monkeys! The villagers took care of their monkeys & waited for the merchant to return. But nobody came! ... Then they ran to the employee but he had already left, too! The villagers then realized that they have bought the useless stray monkeys @ $700 each and are unable to sell them! BitCoin explained.  Â
Old Koreelah Posted August 26, 2018 Posted August 26, 2018 Those monkeys might come in handy one day...
spacesailor Posted August 26, 2018 Posted August 26, 2018 Agreed "Trunk Monkey " was a good laugh spacesailor
Phil Perry Posted August 26, 2018 Posted August 26, 2018 One day you might need some codes broken. . .who better than Crypto Monkeys ?
Phil Perry Posted August 30, 2018 Posted August 30, 2018 The violence in London really has to stop. Someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the local athletics track, Police believe it may be race related.
Marty_d Posted August 30, 2018 Posted August 30, 2018 Well if you absolutely HAVE to get shot, that's the best option.
old man emu Posted August 31, 2018 Posted August 31, 2018 Why do some religions condone polygamy? 'Cause they don't believe there's a Hell in the Afterlife.
red750 Posted August 31, 2018 Author Posted August 31, 2018 A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience ... seeing God she asked “Is my time up?” God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?" (You'll love this) God replied: "Sh1t! I didn't recognize you!”
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