Quickies part 2

[red750]

We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over: they promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
John Quinton, American actor/writer

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."

I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them".
Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
Texas Guinan, 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
Charles de Gaulle, French general & president

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
Doug Larson, English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924
Olympic Games

What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown? That is solution. 

I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two are lawyers and three or more are the government.
John Adams (1735 - 1826)

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Government. But then I repeat myself.
Mark Twain (1835- 1910)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the Government and report the facts!
Will Rogers (1879- 1935)

I contend that for a nation to try and tax itself into prosperity, is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always depend on the support of Paul!
Will Rogers (1879- 1935)

The problem we face today is that the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.
George Bernard Shaw (1856- 1950)

I don't like political jokes, but a lot of them get elected.

[red750]

[red750]

This joke won't please Willie...

 

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is some time for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions:

Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"

Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go for lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions so another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says,

"I have four questions. My Questions are:

Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?

Why did the bell go 20 minutes early for lunch? And where is Sasha?"
 

[red750]

You have to hand it to a RAAF Officer for this sort of attitude...........CLASSIC???

 

 

There is attitude and then there is positive attitude!

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is.

The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."

 

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the RAAF fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.

He was in a hospital in a lot of pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask,

wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him looking worried.

It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

 

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes.

Knowing he was a fighter pilot, she spoke to him softly and slowly,

enunciating each word:

"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

 

Somehow, he managed to mumble in reply,

"Can I feel your tits, then?"

 

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.

 

[red750]

I was watching a video clip off comedian Jeremy Hotz at the Montreall Comedy Festival. He was poking fun at Saskatchewan.

 

"Saskatchewan. Have you ever been there? It's a horrible place. My buddy lives there, poor bastard. His wife left him. He could see her walking away for five days."

 

This is why. It's the same 360 deg. Not a hill in sight.

 

[onetrack]

Look like a lot of inland Qld!

[Marty_d]

I could only wish for more spots like that in southern Tas.  We've got hills on our hills.

[pmccarthy]

A troop train pulled up at a platform in the middle of the night and a soldier asked the porter where they were. 'Saskatoon, Saskatchewan' he said. The soldier replied 'Does anyone here speak English?'.

[red750]

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150. His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”

 

“I bought it today,” he says.

 

“With what money?” says his mother.

 

They knew what a new F150 cost.

 

“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”

 

The father looks at him like he’s crazy.

 

“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says.

 

“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy. “I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.

 

“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother. “Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.”

 

So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.

 

He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.

 

“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”

 

“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says. “But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?”

 

“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”

[Old Koreelah]

[old man emu]

From Greek diarrhoia (coined by Hippocrates), literally a flowing through.

[red750]

Bartender vs. Psychiatrist...I'll drink to this.

 

 

A bit of common sense !!

 

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.  So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody  under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.”

 

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

 

“How much do you charge”?

 

"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.

 

"I'll sleep on it", I said.

 

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

 

"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480.00.  A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a  new “Land Cruiser.”

 

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

 

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!”

 

FORGET THE SHRINKS, HAVE A DRINK AND TALK TO A BARTENDER!

 

IT’S ALWAYS  BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!

 

Why is it, that the people who best know how to run the country, are too busy serving drinks, driving a taxi or cutting hair??!!

 

[nomadpete]

Because unlike politicians (and their 'advisors'), our barbers, bartenders and taxi drivers are constantly in touch with public opinion.

[nomadpete]

BTW, that joke must be old. Nowadays it would take ten years ov psychiatrist treatment to pay for a new Landcruiser.

Nevertheless, most psychiatrists would keep you coming back until they could afford the Cruiser.

[red750]

Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, “Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5 I’d take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!”

“You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5 note.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

“What happened?” asked her waiting friend.

“Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement.”

[red750]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

  

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $30.00 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad , and next year, have him tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl was quiet for a few moments, then looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there, Officer. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:

'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!

[red750]

MAN RULES.

 

This one came to me as a Word document, so I will post it as an attachment. Sorry if your device won't display Word documents.

 

MAN RULES.doc

[red750]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
 

[red750]

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

[red750]

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."

[red750]

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Steve, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a pair of pliers from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "21 feet," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and l au ghed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Parliament.

[red750]

 BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

 

 FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard
Bites! 

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. 

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

 

**** And the WINNER is... ****

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. 

Statement of the Century 
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" 

[red750]

Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[red750]

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him “very quick.”

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”

Man: “YA, YA, acre and half and nice little home.”

Lawyer: “No,” I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

Man: “It made of concrete.”

Lawyer: “Does either of you have a real grudge?”

Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”

Lawyer: “I mean, what are your relations like?”

Man: “All my relations still in Poland.”

Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

Man: “Ya, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player.”

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?”

Man: “No, I always up before her.”

Lawyer: “WHY do you want this divorce?”

Man: “She going to kill me.”

Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”

Man: “I got proof.

Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”

Man: “She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says, “Polish Remover.”

[red750]

Night Classes

Further Education

Mick: I've been going to Night Classes every night for 5 months now.
Paddy: oh!

Mick: For example, do you know who Alexander Graham Bell is?
Paddy: No
Mick: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876;
If you took night classes you'd know this.
 

The next day,
 

Mick: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Paddy: No
Mick: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers".
If you took night classes, you'd know this.
 

The next day, once again:
 

Mick: And do you know who Jean-Jacques Rousseau is?
Paddy: No
Mick: He's the author of The Confessions"
If you took night classes,  you'd know this.
 

This time, Paddy got irritated and said:
And you Mick ... Do you know who Sean Reilly is?
Mick: No
Paddy: He's the fellow who's bonking your wife?
If you stopped going to night classes, you'd know this!