Quickies part 2

[red750]

Farm Life in Australia

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

 

" Not yet, " said the little boy.

 

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

 

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

 

" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.

" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "

 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 

" You gonna tell him or should I ? "

[red750]

Subject: cork...........BOOMBOOM!!!

 

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork
in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

 

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a
lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing
out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish."

 

And I said, "No shit."

[red750]

Brad lives in Melbourne, he was sick of the World, of Covid-19, Chinese belligerence, Russian wars, global warming, species extinction, racial tension, and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his garage, selected his favourite radio station and left his car at a slow idle.

Two days later, his neighbour, realising she had seen no sign of Brad for a while, peered through the garage window to see Brad at the wheel of his car.  Immediately she phoned emergency services.

Police, fire and the ambulance arrived promptly.  

After pulling Brad from his car and giving him a sip of water, he seemed as good as gold.

Brad drives a Tesla. It now has a flat battery.

[red750]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS 
  
  
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.  Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' 

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' 
______________________________ _____________ 

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?' 

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine.' 
______________________________ _____________ 

Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'and every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself' 
______________________________ _____________ 

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'but she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' 
______________________________ _____________ 

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. 

The Wizard says, 'Well, maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' 

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' 
______________________________ _____________ 

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 

1. The DNAs all match. 

2. There are no dental records. 
______________________________ _____________ 

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' 

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up. 
______________________________ ___________ 

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 

'How was he killed?' asked one detective 

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 

'A golf gun!!!  What is a golf gun?' 

'I don't know for sure yet, but it really made a hole in Juan.' 

______________________________ _____________ 

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' 

Joe: 'Really?' 

Moe: 'Yeah.  Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.' 
______________________________ _____________ 

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 

'I'm OK, but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in 
Surgery,' he answered. 

'Oh, I'm sorry...what was it he said,' asked the nurse. 

'Oops!' 

______________________________ _____________ 

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 

'What do you think?' I asked. 'should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 

'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'you'd never get it all in one.' 

He's still in intensive care. 
______________________________ ____________ 

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. 
  
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she got there!'

 

[nomadpete]

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

[nomadpete]

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

____________________________

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

______________________________

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

_________________________________

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me.

[nomadpete]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

[red750]

Did you hear about the woman who was charged with dismembering a body?

 

Cost her an arm and a leg in legal fees.

 

(Thanks Rose Nyland, The Golden Girls)

[nomadpete]

I just discovered that the word "nothing" is a palindrome... Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.

[nomadpete]

Thinking of sleeping on my husband's side of the bed tonight. Apparently from that side, you don't hear the kids wake up at night.

[nomadpete]

I married my wife for her looks, but not the one she's giving me now.

[Marty_d]

12 hours ago, nomadpete said:

Thinking of sleeping on my husband's side of the bed tonight. Apparently from that side, you don't hear the kids wake up at night.

 

12 hours ago, nomadpete said:

I married my wife for her looks, but not the one she's giving me now.

 

Very confusing.  I've met your wife, Peter, but you haven't introduced your husband yet!

[nomadpete]

Where IS that 'smartass' emoticon when you need it?

[red750]

A mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married within a short space of time.

 

Mum was a bit worried about what their early experiences would be like. She therefore made them all promise to send a postcard from their honeymoon destinations, with a few words on how marital sex felt.

 

The 1st girl sent a card from Hawaii, two days after her wedding. The card said nothing but: ‘Nescafe.’

 

Mum was puzzled at first, but off she went to her kitchen to get out the Nescafe jar; it said ‘Good till the last drop.’ She blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

 

The 2nd girl sent a card from Atlanta, a week after her own wedding. The card read: ‘Rothmans.’

Mum dashed straight to her husband’s pack of cigarettes and she read from the pack: ‘Extra Long, King Size.’ She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

 

The 3rd girl was in Cape Town for her honeymoon. Nothing was heard from her until all of 30 days later. Mother had begun to entertain a measure of apprehension.

 

On the 31st day, her postcard finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: ‘South African Airways.’

 

Mum desperately rummaged through the waste bin for the ticket jacket her daughter had discarded before her departure.

 

Fearing the worst, she finally found the ad for South African Airways and read: ‘Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’

 

Mum fainted.

[red750]

And on the 8th day, God created Seniors. 

 

Seniors never get enough exercise.

In His wisdom, God decreed that a senior become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
 
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
 
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
 
So, if you find, as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
 
Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older
 
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
 
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
 
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 
#6 Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
 
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
  

 #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

 
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
 
#2 In the '60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
 
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
 

Please share this wisdom with others; I need to go to the bathroom.

[red750]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theater, as people were taking their seats for the show. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

 

The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.

 

“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

 

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher, who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

 

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

 

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “Alright buddy, what’s your name?”

 

“Sam,” the man moaned.

 

“Where ya from, Sam?”

 

With pain in his voice, Sam replied “… the balcony.”

[red750]

Did you know there are a couple of dozen Facebook accounts named Dixie Normous or variations thereof?

[red750]

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a grade 4 student.

 A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human

beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.  A little girl

raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

 The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,

asked the girl to describe the incident.

 "Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the

Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew

it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

 "It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went

'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!,' but before she could say 'Fuck!,' the

Rottweiler ate her!"

 The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[onetrack]

22 hours ago, red750 said:

Did you know there are a couple of dozen Facebook accounts named Dixie Normous or variations thereof?

Must be the pilots gathering on Farcebook.

[red750]

An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”

“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”

The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”

[red750]

Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time, and St. Peter comes out to greet them.

 

“Sorry about this, guys,” says St. Peter, “God didn’t realize just how many people would get into Heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it’s sad or interesting enough, I’ll let you in.”

 

He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bookish sort in a bad business suit and says, “Tell me your story.”

 

“Okay,” says the man. “I thought I had a wonderful life. I had a beautiful wife and we had a lovely place on the 34th floor of an apartment building. I came home from work early today, and I saw my beautiful wife sleeping naked in bed. Then I saw another man’s clothes on the floor! So of course I started looking for the bastard who slept with my wife.”

 

The man continues, “Like I said, I lived in an apartment. There weren’t that many places to hide, but I couldn’t find him anywhere! Just when I was about to go confront my wife, I see him. The bastard was hiding outside the window, holding on to the windowsill. I go up to him and started stomping on his hands over and over again, but he wouldn’t let go. I finally kicked him in the face and he fell.

 

Unfortunately, he landed on a bush and bounced to safety. In my anger, I grabbed my refrigerator and threw it out after him. However, the cord from the refrigerator wrapped around my leg and pulled me to my death.”

 

St. Peter nods and says, “Your story is acceptable. Welcome to Heaven.”

 

He goes to the second man, a brawny working-man type, and says, “What’s your story?”

 

“I’m a window cleaner,” says the man, “I’ve been a window cleaner for over 20 years. Well today, I’m cleaning the windows of the 35th floor of this apartment building when my scaffolding breaks. I thought I was going to die, but I manage to catch myself on the windowsill of the story below.”

 

The man continues, “All of a sudden this maniac comes out and starts mashing my fingers. I try my best to hold on, but he kicks me in the face and I fall. Once again, I thought I was going to die, but I land on this hedge and bounce away, no worse for the wear. I look up and BOOM. Dead. Last thing I saw was a refrigerator.”

 

St. Peter holds back a chuckle and lets him into Heaven. He goes to the third man, a ridiculously handsome fellow with sandy-blonde hair, and asks, “What’s your story?”

 

“Alright,” says the third man, “Imagine me naked… in a refrigerator.”

 

[red750]

HEADLINES  FROM THE YEAR 2050.....

 

Ozone  created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Little China, formerly known as Australia.

 

Tasmania  executes last remaining Greenie.

 

Minorities still trying to have English recognised as Australia's third language.

 

Children from two parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance  urged.

 

Gay marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice.

 

Japan  announces its population will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet is unemployed. Australian Government has told the Japanese that cane toads taste like whale meat.

 

Australia  now has 10 Universities of Political Correctness.  Professor Goldman of ANU says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

 

Australian  Deficit $10 trillion dollars and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister claims increased growth through more immigration secret to success. 

 

Baby  conceived naturally!  Scientists stumped.

 

Iran  still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

 

Cuban cigars can now be imported legally into the USA, but US President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

 

Jose  Manuel Rodriguez Bush says he will run for second term as Cuban President in 2032.

 

Australia  Post raises price of stamps to $18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

 

After  a 10-year, $75.8 billion study: Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

 

Average  weight of an Australian drops to 115 kgs.

 

Global  cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year. 

 

Japanese  scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

 

Supreme  Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

 

Average  height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

 

New  federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

 

Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

 

[Yenn]

Red. You're reading an optimistic newspaper.

[old man emu]

2050 and journos still can't get Subject/Verb agreement correct: Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

[red750]

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

 

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

 

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.  I get home ... and guess what I found?  

 

Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!  This is unforgivable!  The end of our marriage.  I'm done.  I'm leaving forever!"

 

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here.  Jean would never do such a   thing!  There must be a simple explanation.  I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

 

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

 

"Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation.............. She never got your email!"