Quickies part 2

[red750]

When I was young, I was extremely poor; however, after many years of hard work, I am no longer young.

[red750]

 "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" I asked my friend.
 
 "He wants to be a garbage man," he replied.
 
 "That's an unusual ambition to have at such a young age."
 
 "Not really. He thinks that garbage men work only on Tuesdays."

[nomadpete]

Putin visits a fortune teller and asks her what will happen in the near future.

She says: I see you driving in a limousine through the busy crowd, the people are happy, laughing and cheering and jumping for joy, hugging each other and have big smiles on their faces.

Putin asks her: ... do I wave to them?

No she says, ... the coffin is closed.

[red750]

[red750]

[red750]

A First grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?”

 

Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!”

 

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

 

Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Johnny: “9”.
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Johnny: “36”.

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade.

 

“The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Johnny, after a moment, “Legs.”
Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Johnny: “Pants”
Teacher: “What starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?”
Johnny: “Fire truck.”

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.

[red750]

DISMISSING SOMEONE !

 

All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.  

 

Finally, it was his turn to be summoned.    

 

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other six Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.

 

Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.  

 

The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked:   "Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?"

 

"Oh, no sir, positively not...!" Ted replied.  

 

"Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman.

 

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!"  

 

"You'd swear to that...?"  

 

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere.." insisted Ted.

 

"Good.  Then YOU fire her."

[red750]

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work – not aware that her 9-year-old son is hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

“Dark in here,” the boy whispers.
“Yes, it is,” the man replies awkwardly.
“I have a baseball. Want to buy it?”
“No, thanks.”
“My dad’s outside.”
“Okay, how much?”
“$250.”

A few weeks later, the same thing happens, and the boy and the mom’s lover find themselves in the closet together.

“Dark in here.”
“Yes, it is.”
“I have a baseball glove. Want to buy it?”
“No, thanks.”
“I’ll tell.”
“How much?”
“$750.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”

“I can’t,” the boy replies. “I sold them.”

“How much did you sell them for?” the dad asks.

“$1,000,” the boy proudly announces.

“That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that,” the father says, shocked. “That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

At church that Sunday, the father alerts the priest, makes his child sit in the confession booth, and closes the door.

“Dark in here,” the boy says.

The priest replies, “Don’t start that sh*t again.”

[facthunter]

An Olden but a golden. I often say' It's dark in here'. I wonder how many "get it?"  Nev

[red750]

5 Undeniable Facts of Life 

 

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. 

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes, but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is priceless. 

 4. Breaking News:  Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband 

 5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors and Budweiser. Men may state their preferences but will grab whatever is available. 

  

THE 5 ANSWERS YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR   

 

 1.  Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? 

A:  It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under'. 

  

2.  Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? 

 A:  Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear . 

  

 3.  Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES ORIGINALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? 

 A:  Because when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they go, they take your house and car with them. 

  

4.  Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? 

 A:  Because they don't have any balls to scratch. 

  

 BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER 

 

 Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment? 

 A:  Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose. 

  

Nominated as the world's best short joke: 

 

 A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 

“Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?" 

 "Not yet" she replied. 

  

[red750]

You've probably heard this one before.

 

 

Aussie trucker and the emu go into a diner.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, “A hamburger, chips and a Coke,” then turns to the emu to ask, “What’s yours?”

“Sounds great, I’ll have the same,” says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $10.40 please.”

The truckie reaches into his pocket, pulls out the exact change, and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, “A hamburger, chips and a Coke.” The emu says, “Sounds great, I’ll have the same.”

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.

“Same for me,” says the emu.

The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me mate, how do you manage to pull the exact change from your pocket every time?”

“Well, love,” says the truckie. “A few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and I found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant,” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, “So what’s with the bloody emu?”

The truckie pauses, sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall bird with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

[red750]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied, “Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”

The child thought about this for a moment then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

[red750]

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

[red750]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her six-year-old students.

After explaining the commandment to ‘Honour thy father and thy mother’, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

[red750]

A ship carrying treasure was returning to port when it was approached by a pirate ship.
“Captain, captain! What do we do?” asked the first mate.
“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin and bring me my red shirt.”
The first mate did so.
Wearing his red shirt, the captain and his crew fought off the pirates without any casualties.
A few days later the ship was approached by two pirate ships.
“Captain, captain! What do we do?” asked the first mate.
“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin and bring me my red shirt.”
The first mate did so.
The crew fought heroically and managed to defeat both pirate ships but lost many men in the process. As the crew celebrated, the first mate asked the captain why he insisted on wearing a red shirt to battle.
“It’s simple,” explained the captain. “If I am injured the blood will not show, so the crew continues to fight without fear.”
A week later the ship was approached by 12 pirate ships.
“Captain, captain! What do we do?” asked the first mate, looking expectantly at his captain.
Pale with fear, the captain replied, “First mate, bring me my brown pants!”

[red750]

[red750]

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She suspects that he’s preparing a surprise for her since today is their 20th wedding anniversary, so she puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “You haven’t been sitting here all night, have you!?”

The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.”

She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,” he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

“Yes, I do,” she replies.

The husband pauses… The words were not coming easily.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued, “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?”

“I remember that too,” she replied softly…

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”

[red750]

A preacher, arriving in a small town to be guest speaker at a local church, wanted to mail a letter to his family back home.

However, he didn’t know where the post office was. After looking around for a while, he stopped a young girl on a bike and asked her for directions.

The 7 year old girl replied, “I can show you the way, follow me.”

After they had arrived at the post office, the preacher turned to the little girl and said: “Thank you for your help. If you come to church this evening, I’ll tell you about Jesus and how to get to heaven.”

“Nah, I don’t think so,” answered the girl.

“Why not?” asked the surprised priest.

The girl replied, “You don’t even know your way to the post office!”

[red750]

[nomadpete]

That's a lot of really good reasons to stay away from churches.

Thanks.

[Marty_d]

There's a lot more interesting things to do on a Sunday, that's for sure!  (Or Saturday if your religion's calendar swings that way).

[red750]

[red750]

An old man asked his wife, “Martha, we’ve soon been married for 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you… Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening when I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that… You saved our home after all. But what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?

[nomadpete]

The wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks', and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

"The egg timer's broken."

[nomadpete]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down and says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "no use knocking, there's no paper on this side either."