Quickies part 2

[Marty_d]

1 hour ago, nomadpete said:

The wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks', and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

"The egg timer's broken."

Jeez, she must like them under-done!

[red750]

How to impress during an interview
Interviewer: “So, it says here you are extremely quick at maths.”

Interviewee: “That’s right. I am.”

Interviewer: “Okay, what’s 14 x 27?”

Interviewee: “49.”

Interviewer: “That’s not even close!”

Interviewee: “Yeah, but it was fast, right?”

[red750]

Boss shares an honest moment with employee
My boss pulled up to work in a fantastic red Mustang convertible this morning and I complimented her on it.

She stepped out of the car and as she passed by, put her hand on my shoulder and replied, “Well Jack, if you just work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.”

[red750]

[red750]

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....
The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.
24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ‘I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? 
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
'Yesterday we were campaigning -

Today you voted’.

[onetrack]

Luigi and Maria are having regular major disagreements, so they go to a marriage counsellor. Maria goes in first, and the counsellor asks her about her concerns.

"Luigi is a good-a husband," says Maria. "But .... there are just three theengs about heem, that really gets-a to me."

"Tell me, says the counsellor."

"The first theeng," says Maria, "is that he's a workaholic. He works-a so much, he has very leetle time left for me and da kids."

"The second theeng..." says Maria "... and I hate-a this ... but he's always peecking his nose. Peecking! ... peecking! ... peecking! .... I get so-o annoyed about-a dis."

"And what's the third thing?" asks the counsellor.

"Well," says Maria, "This is a leetle personal ... but when we have-a sex, he neva, eva, lets-a me get on top. Neva, eva. I'd like-a just for once, to get on top of heem."

So the counsellor sends Maria out, and asks Luigi to come in.

"How is everything with your marriage?" asks the counsellor.

"It's-a good," says Luigi.

"No complaints?"

"No complaints."

"Well, Maria had a few things she wanted me to discuss with you. First, she says you are a workaholic. Second, she says you pick your nose quite a bit in public. Third... and this is a little delicate... she says you never let her get on top when you are having sex."

And Luigi says, "Well, it's-a like-a this. When I comma to this country, my father sees me off at da wharf, and he tells me three important things. Three things, he tells me, to make good in Australia."

"First", he says: "You worka hard." So I worka hard. Second, he says: "Make-a sure, you keep-a your nose clean!" So I keepa my nose clean. And third, he says: "Don't you ever, ever, fuck up!!"

[red750]

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?   

[red750]

Of course I talk to myself.  Sometimes I need expert advice.  

[spacesailor]

And  ! If a married woman, she can only speak to herself. As hubby seldom listens. 

from , spacesailor,s wife. LoL

[red750]

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Sure do,” the dog replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The dog looks up and begins telling his story, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.”

“Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

The owner says, “Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Cause he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff!”

[red750]

One day a man decided to retire...

 

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

 

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

 

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

 

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

 

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.  Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"
  
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,

"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

 

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
  
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

 

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

scroll down

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You've built a Harley?”

[red750]

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”

A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish’?”

The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”

The pastor buys a couple of fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. Surprised, the wife responds, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”

He explains to her why they are called dam fish. Later, at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. His son responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f**king potatoes!”

[red750]

[red750]

On the first day, God created the first dog and said:

“Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the first monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the first cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a lifespan of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

“Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But man said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “you asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[red750]

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

[facthunter]

A Golden  Oldie. Nev

[old man emu]

Not making fun of the tragedy reported here, but you have to be a uniformed policeman to be amused by the last paragraph. Detectives doing a not-suspicious death???!!!??

 

[onetrack]

I guess they have to check for any possibility of a reason for someone wanting the person deceased, and any signs of interference with the aircraft.

When my house burnt down, the first thing I got was a visit from the local policeman and an interview about my financial position at the the time (which also happened to be horrendous, only adding greatly to my stress). The local copper was very good, he was just sussing out if there was any possibility of arson.

The fact that the cause of the fire was rapidly determined, and the fact that I was over 100 kms away at the time the fire started, did help.

[old man emu]

You don't understand Detectives.  A death involving an aircraft is treated the same way as a road fatality. It's the uniform guys who have to do it. I know. Been there, done that. And by doing it, I mean coordinating the investigation - getting plans and reports from Crime Scene and trying to get something worthwhile from the ATSB or RAAus technical examination. The the uniform guys have to put the Brief together and hand it to the Coroner. At the same time, they have to attend to the other calls such as domestics, shoplifters and trouble at watering holes. Meanwhile the detectives are swanning about and if you ask what they are doing, they can't tell you otherwise they would have to kill you. Their work is all hush-hush.

[onetrack]

SWMBO has a detective nephew, and her brother reached Temporary Inspector before he retired as Snr Sgt. I do know the detective nephew has been right into breaking up the drug cartels - the W.A. police actually sent him to the U.S. for several months to work in with the DEA. I suspect he was right in on the ANOM phone app deal, as they cranked it up. I think they're all clinking champagne glasses over the outstanding success of the ANOM app. They're still nailing the main drug crims, and hundreds of the "motorcycling brotherhood businesses" fraternity.

He did mention they had extreme difficulty trying to pursue the "Mr Bigs" in overseas jurisdictions (such as HK and numerous other Asian countries), where they tended to have their investigations "stonewalled".

But he doesn't do a lot of that now, and I suspect he might be on a hit list. He spends a lot of time in Curtin House (WAPOL HQ), doing "stuff", but I couldn't even guess at what that involves.

[Old Koreelah]

[red750]

My youngest brother, who retired from Victoria Police as a Detective Superintendent once said

'I could tell you what I do but I'd have to kill you". He worked in the drug squad, was a leader in Homicide and won an AO for his work in victim identification after the Bali bombing, and Aceh after the tsunami. His Homicide team captured the murderer Peter Dupas.

[red750]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband
and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the
wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. 
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a
sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband
watched - with a raised eyebrow. 
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband
and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3
times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday
…………..but I go fishing on Fridays."

[red750]

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.

“Oh, come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?"

[red750]