Quickies part 2

[red750]

Garfield on the oil crisis!!



lots of folks can't understand how we  came To  have an oil shortage here in our  country.

~~~
Well,  there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody  bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We  just didn't know we were getting  low.
~~~
The  reason for that is purely  geographical.
~~~
Our  OIL is located in
~~~
Bass  Strait
~~~
East  Queensland Shale Fields
~~~
Canning  Basin
~~~
Perth  Basin
and
North-West  Continental Shelf
~~~

Our
DIPSTICKS
Are  located in
Canberra!!!

Any  Questions ???
NO?  I didn't Think So. 

 

 

[facthunter]

Well SOMEBODY elected them  so what's our excuse?  Too gullible or easily tricked? Some of them count on that. The MSM is an accessory before and after the fact . Nev

[red750]

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4 to 6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6 to 8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park …” then the electric power goes out.

Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

[old man emu]

I went out to shoot a few rabbits last night, but missed every time cause the rifle discharged early. When I got back home and checked the rifle, I found I had taken the wrong one for rabbits. The one I took had a hare trigger.

[Marty_d]

3 hours ago, old man emu said:

I went out to shoot a few rabbits last night, but missed every time cause the rifle discharged early. When I got back home and checked the rifle, I found I had taken the wrong one for rabbits. The one I took had a hare trigger.

We REALLY need a "groan" reaction...

[red750]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t never seed nobody do it.”

[red750]

Panties On A Plane

 

Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time.

 

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties be efo' I gets on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.

The first replied, 'Cuz, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.

' The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe res ant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cuz if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.'

'Wot? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girls, you hears me right. I ain't wearing no panties, cos, honey, dey always look for da Black Box first

[red750]

A mother brought her daughter to the doctor when the teen was experiencing some very specific symptoms.

 

The doctor asked, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”

 

The mother responded, “It’s my daughter, Darla — she keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

 

The doctor examined Darla before coming to his conclusion.

 

“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this but Darla is pregnant, about four months would be my guess,” the doctor said.

 

The mother was shocked.

 

“Pregnant? She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man,” the panicked mother says. “Have you, Darla?”

 

Darla tries to cover for herself, telling her mom, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

 

At that moment, the doctor quietly walked over to the window. He stared outside for a few minutes, not saying a word, until the mother finally decided she needed to know what he was doing.

 

“Is there something wrong out there doctor?” the mother asks.

 

“No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill,” he said. “I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

[red750]

A girl was trying on new shoes.

 

She said to the sales person, "They're too tight."

 

Salaesperson said, "Try with the tongue out"

 

Girl says, "No. Thtill thoo thight."

[onetrack]

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella, instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Puzzled, the old man replied, "No, what?"
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must of shot the bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

[onetrack]

I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.

 

A guy spots a young woman with perfect big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I play with your breasts for $500?"
She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse, and the guy just stares at her breasts for a couple of minutes.
Eventually the woman asks, "Aren't you gonna play with them?"
He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

 

I tried to get into a trendy nightclub last night.
The doorman said to me,
"Sorry mate, you've had too many".
I replied, "What, drinks?"
He said, "No, birthdays!"

 

My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.
I need to tell my bro to do a better job of hiding his porn.

 

Officer: "I'm arresting you for downloading the whole of Wikipedia."

Man: "No wait! I can explain everything!"

[red750]

My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started….

[red750]

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
And that’s when the fight started….

[red750]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s when the fight started….

[red750]

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started….

[red750]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” said my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And that’s when the fight started….

[red750]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”
And that’s when the fight started….

[red750]

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

[Marty_d]

11 hours ago, red750 said:

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Or dyspepsic.

[red750]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it  fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. 

 

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." 

 

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

[facthunter]

The Local Mower shop used to laugh when I ordered parts for my Wife's lawnmower.  Nev

[onetrack]

Believe it or not, my missus actually bought her own lawnmower, and loves it! She complained my Honda self-propelled HRU216 was too big and heavy and unwieldy for her - so she went and bought a little 12" cut Chinese electric mower off eBay. She loves it, and reckons it's exactly right for her.

The only problem with it is the height adjustment is pretty crude, the axles slip into serrated slots, and are simply held in position there by strong springs. She can't produce enough hand grip strength to stretch the springs to change the axle height position, so muggins gets called on to do that.

 

Edited June 23, 2022 by onetrack
correction...

[facthunter]

SHE now has a zero turn Toro and I'm only allowed on it to "test" it.  Nev

[Marty_d]

Wives can mow?  When did this start??

[facthunter]

Well I know of ONE other one.   Nev