Quickies part 2

[old man emu]

It's a shame that 2-Stroke mowers are not allowed any more. Using one of those was the only time a wife could accept that a bloke didn't hear her.

[Old Koreelah]

2 hours ago, Marty_d said:

Wives can mow?  When did this start??

Mine does all the mowing and enjoys it. Keeps her fit, but not as much as it used to, now that she has a mower with an engine. 

[spacesailor]

Mine has her own ' self propelled ' mower.

I got the old one for the back lawn !.

spacesailor

 

[nomadpete]

Something about zero turn mowers...... My wife can even reverse a trailer with her zero turn mower. I'm allowed occassionally to drive it, too. But only to test it after I service it.

[willedoo]

7 hours ago, Marty_d said:

Wives can mow?  When did this start??

Marty, you need to get that whip cracking. You don't want to spoil them.

[red750]

Today I spent an hour on the treadmill.

 

Tomorrow I intend to turn it on.

[red750]

My next door neighbours wife has occasionally mowed my lawn. So there!

[nomadpete]

1 hour ago, red750 said:

Today I spent an hour on the treadmill.

 

Tomorrow I intend to turn it on.

Don't do it Peter.

If you turn it on, I'm pretty sure you'll have trouble keeping your recliner balanced on it.

[red750]

2 minutes ago, nomadpete said:

you'll have trouble keeping your recliner balanced on it.

It's the walking stick I'm worried about.

[nomadpete]

Just now, red750 said:

It's the walking stick I'm worried about.

I'm not getting a walking stick yet. I'm waiting for them to market a rechargeable autonomous electric one that knows its way to the Bottle Shop.

[Old Koreelah]

We might need a thread just devoted to the divergence of modern humans from their roots. Over half of us now live in cities, many having no contact whatsoever with the soil.

My wife was just out attacking our lawn with her old push mower (while I try to repair the engine on her powered one). No doubt impressed by her efforts, her Apple Watch sent her a loud alert congratulating her for excellent rowing exercises!

[nomadpete]

1 hour ago, Old Koreelah said:

Over half of us now live in cities, many having no contact whatsoever with the soil.

Too true OK.

I seem to recall that back in the great 1930's depression, the majority of city folk had a rellie living in the country. There was a fall back to subsistence survival for many. And those lucky enough to have a back yard could grow some veggies. 

 

I wonder what would happen nowadays, to the millions who live in our concrete high rise human feedlots if there is a supply chain/food failure?

[facthunter]

Most would die of shock. Survival instincts about zero. Nev

[spacesailor]

We ' would ' have pets come over for dinner !.

Chicken curry, meow. 

Red dog casserole,  

Pigeon pie.

Lots of choice before  !

Sorlent green.

spacesailor

[nomadpete]

Yeah, I know this isn't the silly pictures thread, but Spacey left me speechless.....

 

[facthunter]

It's in Leviticus to eat your children. I wouldn't be reading that bit to them at bedtime.  Oh don't you just love the "absolute word of god" ? Nev

[old man emu]

3 hours ago, facthunter said:

It's in Leviticus to eat your children

Leviticus, (Latin: “of the Levites”) , Hebrew Wayiqraʾ, third book of the Latin Vulgate Bible, the name of which designates its contents as a book (or manual) primarily concerned with priests (members of the priestly tribe of Levi) and their duties.

 

The idea that Leviticus 26:29 is a command to eat your children is completely wrong, and proposing  that it does probably comes from the medieval anti-Semitism of Christian Europe. You have to put Lev 26:29 in context with the preceding two verses, Lev 26: 27-29. Here's all three together.

 

And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me, but walk contrary unto me; Then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins. And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.

 

Leviticus 26 is all about Yahweh's promise of blessing for worshipping (h)im and retribution if you turn away. Paraphrasing basically what it reports, Yahweh as saying is, "If you don't worship me, shit's gunna hit the fan, big time."

 

Notice the use of the magic number, 7. The number seven has greatly symbolic associations in religion, mythology, superstition and philosophy.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symbolism_of_the_number_7#:~:text=The number seven forms a,Abel (Genesis 4%3A15)

[spacesailor]

One of the ' burger ' outlets served up cat food paties! .

Straight out of the can, but cooked just like a ' beef pattie ' .

WHO KNEW !?

spacesailor

[red750]

Dearest Son,

 

I’m writing this slow ’cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won’t be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

 

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven’t seen ’em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn’t make the final payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.

 

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don’t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

 

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn’t get the tail gate down.

 

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don’t get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

 

Love, Ma

[red750]

DEAR ABBY  ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS AS HOW TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:

 

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

 

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

 

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

 

Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

 

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

 

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

 

Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

 

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short-tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

 

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

 

Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

 

 

 

[onetrack]

My Grandpa died and left me a violin and an oil painting in his will. When I took them to be valued, I was told they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius.

 

It's a bit of a shame that Van Gogh was crap at making violins, and Stradivarius was a God-awful painter.

[onetrack]

Dreaming of raising thoroughbred horses, a farmer invests a huge chunk of his savings into buying one thoroughbred horse with a fine pedigree.

As luck would have it, the horse became extremely ill within a month, and laid down and wouldn't get up.

 

The farmer calls in the best Vet he can find, and after the Vet examines him, he says.....

"The horse is infected with a very bad virus, I'm going to give you some strong medicine for him - that you need to administer to him, twice a day for 3 days.
If the horse doesn't recover and get to his feet in that period of time, I will have to return, and put him down".

 

All this was overheard by a little piglet who was free to roam around the farm.
He went over to the horse and said, "My friend, please try to get up!" The horse didn't respond.

 

Day 2, the little piglet returned, and said to the horse, "Please get up, or they'll come and kill you!"

 

Day 3 comes, and the horse is still lying there on the ground. The piglet goes over to the horse and says, "Please, please, get up my friend! If you don't get up today, the vet will be here to kill you!!" 

 

The horse doesn't reply or move. The farmer comes and checks on him and calls the Vet.

The Vet walks in and checks the horse and says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like the virus is too strong, I've got no choice now, but to put him down".

 

Overhearing this, the little piglet races over to the horse and yells at him, "Get up!! Get up!! You have no time left! It's now or never, or you're dead!!"

 

At that, the horse struggles to its feet and runs out of the stable. Both the farmer and the Vet are amazed.

The farmer jumps for joy, and says to the Vet and the farmhands; "Hallelujah! This is an outright miracle!! Let's have a big celebration!!............

 

 

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Edited July 9, 2022 by onetrack

[red750]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

 

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began pestering him. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

 

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

 

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

 

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

 

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

 

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

 

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

[red750]

IT IS PROBABLY ONLY AUSTRALIANS WHO CAN WRITE POETRY ABOUT AUSTRALIAN
ICONS THAT CAN BE UNDERSTOOD BY AUSTRALIANS.

 

Poor old Grandad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook, gone before his time.
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet.

The doctor said his heart was good, fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest, of snakebite without trace,
Of red-backs quietly creeping and death from outer space.

NO-ONE HAD A CLUE AT ALL, THE JUDGE WAS IN SOME DOUBT,
WHEN DAD WAS CALLED TO HAVE HIS SAY AS TO HOW IT CAME ABOUT.
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story, but it could explain his death.

This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil.

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste.
So I moved the dunny over it, real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again, I'd never be 'caught short'.

 

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night.
Now I reckon what has happened, poor Granddad didn't know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

 

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash,
Well, he always used to hold his breath, until he heard the splash!'

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

[red750]

O.....M.....G!!!

 

Bunnings have lifted the price of their sausage sizzle from $2.50 to........$3.50.

 

 

The end is nigh!