Quickies part 2

[facthunter]

User Pays.  Nev

[red750]

A little old lady gets pulled over for speeding…
The officer walks up to the car and after a quick greeting takes the documentation she has ready for him.
He notices a license to conceal carry a pistol and he asks,
“Ma’am do you have a firearm in the vehicle?”
She replies,
“Well yes sir, I do.”
The officer smiles a little as this lady was no more than 5’ tall and 90 lbs. and had to be 90 years old.
“Ma’am, may I ask what type of firearm you have?”
“Well yes sir,” she replies,
“I’ve got a 9mm in my purse, and I keep a .45 in the center console here, and I’ve also got a magnum in the glove compartment.”
The officer is taken back a little,
“Is that it?” He asks half kidding.
“Well no, I do have a pistol grip shot gun in the trunk as well.”
The officer is really raising his eye brows at this point, and he asks,
“Ma’am, what are you afraid of?”
The little old lady replies,
“Not a f*cking thing.”

[nomadpete]

Typical little old (American) lady........ Just ducking down to seven eleven for a quart of milk.

[Jerry_Atrick]

Soiunds like she was preparing not to pay for the milk..

[nomadpete]

Talk peace and carry a big stick.......

 

USA foreign policy, as applied to going shopping

Edited October 5, 2022 by nomadpete

[red750]

Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck.
“I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”
The next day, Mrs Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
“Am I speaking to Mrs Wilson?”
“Yes. Speaking.”
AEC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!”
“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.
“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy.
“What are you saying? It’s in your files. HOW?”
“Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”
“GOD! This is too much.”
“Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.”
“I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.”
That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
“What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.
“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC,
“It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”
“PAY you? And if I refuse?”
“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”
“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.
“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.”

[red750]

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One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married.
He was a man of the world.
She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding, they left for their honeymoon.
While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having s*x.
The new bride asks, “What are them cows up to honey?”
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, “Why can’t you see? Them cows, they’re roping!”
She replies, “Oh, I see!”
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having s*x.
Again the bride asks, “What are them horses doing honey?”
The husband answers again, “Them horses, they’re roping!”
She replies, “Oh, I see!”
Finally, they arrive at their hotel.
The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed.
When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other’s bodies.
Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband’s pen!s.
“Oh my!” she cries: “What is that?”
“Well, darlin’,” he says, “That’s ma’ rope!”
She slides her hands down further and gasps,
“Oh my goodness!
What are those?” she asks.
“Honey, those’re my knots!” he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love.
After several minutes the bride says,
“Stop honey, wait a minute!”
Her husband, panting a little, asks:
“What’s the matter honey, am I hurting you?”
“No,” the bride replies, “undo them damn knots, I need more rope!”

[red750]

[facthunter]

A ggod story, but....   Not  likely  really.   Nev

[spacesailor]

" Not Likely " 

I wanted to buy a " student made "  ' Jaberu ' brand new .!. Here in Sydney, built by aeronautical university. 

And so cheap! .

spacesailor

[Jerry_Atrick]

Yeah - but the fella in the photo was their teacher - better to have steered clear 😉

 

[red750]

 Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
>
> With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
> appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
> small penis.
>
> After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed
> him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
>
> The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
> stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
>
> “Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”
>
> “Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
>

 

[red750]

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Little Johnny:”Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Little Johnny: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter”
Father: “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later Son:
“Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Little Johnny: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”
Father: “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that.Angela is also your sister.”
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Little Johnny:”Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
“My love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him He isn’t your father.”

[Rastus]

1 hour ago, red750 said:

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Little Johnny:”Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Little Johnny: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter”
Father: “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later Son:
“Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Little Johnny: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”
Father: “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that.Angela is also your sister.”
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Little Johnny:”Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
“My love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him He isn’t your father.”

There is a song about that 🤪

 

 

[red750]

Brilliant in its simplicity.....

 

A.      Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

 

B.      Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

 

C.      In three generations, there will be no Greens.

 

Such an unfair world:

 

 Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.

 

 Wife to husband:        You told me you'd spend your whole life trying to make me happy.

Husband to wife:        I didn't expect to live this long!

 

As I grow older.... My mind doesn't just wander... Sometimes it buggers off completely.

 

 As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everybody is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

 

 Isn't it weird that in Australia our flag and culture offends so many people, yet our benefits don’t.

[red750]

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
“Don’t you love him anymore,” asked the lawyer?
“Oh, I still love him,” the woman replied.
“But, all he ever wants is s**, I can’t take it.”
“Instead of divorcing him why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband started in on her.
“Not so fast,” she replied.
“From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”
“Well, then,” he said.
“Here’s $50.”
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
“Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand.
“That’ll be five times in the kitchen!”

[red750]

The beauty of live TV. If this had been recorded, it would have been bleeped.

 

On Sunrise, weatherman Sam Mac was reporting from Broome, where he took a camel ride.

 

One comment was: "The most camel toe seen on TV."

[red750]

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their love lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ‘Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.
He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!’
The engaged woman giggled and said, ‘That’s pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.
He was so turned on that we not only had s*x all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!’
The married woman put her glass down and said, ‘I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s.
I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, – ‘Hey Batman what’s for dinner?

[red750]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is
marked 'NO REFILLS'.."

[red750]

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

[red750]

Ageing:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
This is so true.
I love to hear them say "you don't look that old."

 

 

(BTW: I turned 78 yesterday.)

[red750]

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

[red750]

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper... 

 

it's worse when you forget to pull it down.

[red750]

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around BigW when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

 

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom..wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?'

 

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

[facthunter]

Happy 78th young Fella. Nev